I am a scapegoat child living with and caring for my parents while being emotionally abused by them and siblings who refuse to help.

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OK need support. I have a npd father & dry drunk alcoholic mother. Dad is enabler. So my sistter and father hired home health sitter for my mother who has dementia - recent MI & stroke & not supposed to be left alone. Sitter comes in 3 days a wk so my father can run out in the car and go to meetings and all the things he wants to. Well - he has been cancelling the sitter claiming he wants to use her judiciously and he pays for her but - going into a home is more $$$$$. Despite the constant dialogue that I am telling him I cannot do it all he insists he will take my mom when he goes out (BAD IDEA!!!!!!!! HE Can barely walk much less can she!) yet leaves here here alone. He will ask me last minute to stay with her while he goes off to a full day meeting for whatever activity and never comes back on time. If I explain it is interfering with my job or own life he gets pissed off. He has the money to pay for the sitter. He has also cut down the house cleaner from once a wk to every other wk and let me tell you the man craps in the bed and pisses on the floor and refuses to wear accident underwear or sit on the loo. He has always peed on the floor even when not elderly. He is an extreme unfeeling narcissist and he and my one mentally ill sister have upped the smear campaign against me. My mom wants me to stay but I am done. I have to get a FT job far away and never look back. My father is a FOOL. He says he does not want to go into AL and I have said whatever they want to do is fine by me. But then he has extreme mood swings (always has) and he will tell me all about my failings and how I should feel. I have HAD ENOUGH. My question is - as I get my life ready to get out - my dad is claiming to have care for my mom and will take her if he goes out but DOES NOT. He still asks me last minute to care for her and its not fair to her if I say NO. She had an MI the last time her did this and I was at work. He tried to take her to the EYE doctor when she had a stroke and lost her vision. UGH! He did it again today after swearing he would take her with him so I went to therapy and when I got back she was home alone. The man is MISERABLE and moody. There is NO TALKING to him. I was NOT selected as power of attny. MY SISTER IS and she does NOTHING to help.


Make your plans to leave. Once you're ready, write to your sister with a situation report on both parents and remind her of her responsibilities. Copy it to their doctor, if you like. Then leave, and don't look back.
Just leave. If you don't have POA; you have no obligations.

Save your own life, please!
Your situation is special and extreme. Give notice in writing, sent certified mail to copy all concerned. Resign as a caregiver or helper due to health concerns.
I agree with the others, you need to save your own life first.

If you need help wording it, making it brief, just ask.

Godspeed no longer scared!
This situation will NOT get better. Your mother's dementia will get worse. Your father will always have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You will always be the scapegoat. Nothing you can do will change this. It is Not Your Fault.

So I think you have made the right decision. Start looking for full-time work some distance away. Figure out your housing there. Then LEAVE. It would be courteous to give them a couple weeks' notice so they can start making other arrangements, but if you think that will make those weeks especially traumatic for you, tell them on your way out the door.

You have grown up in an extremely dysfunctional family. But you seem to have your head screwed on right. You know what you have to do. My best wishes to you as you do it!
Thank you all. It can be hard when being part of the dysfunction merely in staying! Difficult to believe in myself while being emotionally torn up by the very family I am serving.

Such good advice. My father is a rage a holic and resistant to any sense of logic - especially when shame and guilting his own kids overrides a family of his own design. SHEESH.

It's crazy making - gaslighting - and the mask has slipped while he denies the weirdness of his insistence. I imagine aging at his stage must be scary. Depressing. I certainly do not want to be angry, bitter and cruel at his age. I hope I am mindful enough not to hurt others the way he and my mom have. At least my mom has tried. But it gets maddening with his mood swings and her pretending to cry when I have to do things that do not involve waiting on them hand and foot. Gotta love guilt inducing childish and UNHEALTHY behaviors.

At this point I am either working on job apps, a business I am trying to start & yoga, therapy & speaker meetings to stay sane in the land of OZ.

Even with all my hocus pocus positive coping go-to's, the damage these two have on my esteem is penetrating. I hate how I feel around them and I am trying to change my perspective but its no longer enough.
Why do so many elderly parents refuse outside help and fire them? I hear of this too often.
I am glad to hear you are going to therapy. You deserve all the help you can get to overcome your upbringing.

Post here often to report your progress. The folks here understand and are on your side!
Answer: Because they can get away with it.
Can you leave early, sit in a starbucks posting a few hours on AC, sending out resumes? Then Dad cannot make you stay with Mom.
If he leaves her alone, knowing you are not there and not expected to return, and does not call a sitter, that is criminal neglect.
My father refused outside help because he believed they would mess with his medication, steal from him, mess up his organization, etc.

He had some experience with a in home aide that actually pull that stuff on him and Mom once, so it wasn't just his paranoia.

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