Same old stuff but I need to rant.

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Today Mom told me she called the case worker to cancel the homemaker service that was set up for her and Dad. Mom said they don't want strangers coming in the house and seeing their stuff. The case worker convinced Mom to at least have the homemaker do their grocery shopping and clean the bathroom. Mom said OK. I'll believe it when it happens.

Our biggest concern is Mom going up and down stairs with laundry, it's a real falling hazard. I tried before to get her to wait until one of us were there to do laundry.One of us siblings is at the house at least once a week usually more often, but she gets impatient. I was hoping that having the homemaker in twice a week would take care of this. Guess not. Mom is finding a reason to refuse any help unless it's from one of us.

As long as my parents are deemed competent and refuse to make changes I am choosing to back off and so is my brother. I will continue to check in by phone throughout the week and call the caseworker to let her know how it's going and I will visit every week or two but anything else is just spinning my wheels. Our sister on the other hand has gone full throttle. She is determined that they will do as she wills, her frantic efforts make me think of the saying "arranging deck chairs on the Titanic". I let her know I was done trying to force something to happen before it's time. She cut off communication and has gone solo.

I guess the drama is now non stop with her and my folks. According to Mom one minute she is their savior, the next she is a demon in the flesh. Mom keeps trying to draw me into the circus but I am working hard at keeping out of it. I hate that my sister can't step back, it's making things worse and it has to be taking a toll on her. But it's her choice. I can't stop her and she can't stop my parents from making terrible choices.


Good for you for backing off, or else you become their Home Entertainment Center, nonstop. Good you got a caseworker and you keep in touch. Falls are inevitable, that is what finally landed mom in an ER with brain bleeding. She is now living in an ALF.
Trying, this is the worst part, waiting for the inevitable. Don't nag your sister, she'll only try harder. (((((Hugs))))))!
How smart of you to see that this is not your circus, not your monkey. I'm sorry your sister is trying to run the three rings, but that is not your circus, either.

This is very hard, backing off when you fear disaster. But it is what you have to do.

Rant away!
Tryingmybest, I completely understand! It is a weird feeling, mixed feeling of emotions your going through, as I am. Your doing the right thing. pamstegma and Babalou are right, sometimes, we just cant do anything and your sister and parents will do as she/they want. This is your time to get some rest, ( try) and hang in there. Hugs
jeannegibbs is also right, they all have told me the same they are telling you, its hard but Im at home, not grandpas again. In fact, my dad should go lock the door and check the heat, because, I already said I cant. Not my problem as I told them he and others have to figure it out. Im not neglecting him , as your not neglecting your parents, as I learned from here and few others something. They are competent, so leave it! They need to get more help in and accept it, we can do so much. If I go now, then the cycle will start all over.
I would see if they would both wear Life Alert or similar. What you describe doesn't sound good. What is the plan, if one of them passes away?
Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support. I will do as advised and not nag my sister.
Chicago, we have talked to them about a personal alert system but they are not interested. I'm sure it has to do with not wanting to spend money. They have the means but that's another story.

There is no plan if one passes away. That is something they absolutely will not talk about. The only thing they have ever told us is they want full resuscitation and life support measures taken if something happens.

My parents truly believe that Dad is going to get all better and they are going to have their old life again including resuming their business. Dad is 87, he survived sepsis and an aortal aneurysm but the damage left him quite frail and showing signs of cognitive decline, not enough to be declared incompetent though. I did once suggest to Mom that there is a real possibility that Dad will not get better, that this might be his new reality. She got angry and acted like I was terrible for saying such a thing. I should have known better.
My sister called this morning and I took your advice Babalou. I did not try to talk her into backing off instead I gave her my report and she gave me hers. I listened and held my tongue when I felt myself wanting to nag. She has very high hopes for her efforts but there were a couple of times she voiced discouragement with our parents lack of cooperation and their deceit. I told her I was not surprised at their behavior but I did not say I told you so. In the end it was a good conversation. I made a few jokes about the situation and it was nice to have a laugh with someone who understands.

My sister was in a good mood today so that helped. Like my Mom she cycles between normal/nice and aggressive hostility. When she is like that it's best not to talk to her at all because she is looking to fight and she is good at baiting. When her mood swings over to the dark side (and it will) it will be harder to deal but thats not today.

Thanks for listening. It really helps to write this stuff down and share.
Trying, with certain people, I have to remind myself that if they are "madding at me" it takes two to make a fight. I write down a list of neutral responses ( really! That's interesting, I'll have to write that down, I'll keep that in mind) and use them as often as I have to.

Some people use aggression as a cover when they are scared/unsure/hopeless.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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