Running Away.

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Every once in a while, like yesterday I have a very hard day. My husband who has dementia and cancer was agitated more of the day. Then when I went to care for my Mother she was all depressed and in a mood. My teen son wanted attention to and wanted me to go shopping with him and he never asks for much. I was not able to take him in the condition my husband and Mother was in. This morning I woke up at 5:30 am and the first thought in my mind was, " I should just get in the car and drive away and never be heard from again. I did not do it of course but that made me think I must be getting depressed. I feel tired all the time and not just physically. Many times in the past few months I've gotten up thinking I'll stay another day. I get tired of people saying do it One Day at a Time, or Things will get Better. They seem to be getting worst. Anyway I am going to a group support meeting tomorrow maybe I will find something there to encourage me. Thank you for listening to me rant.
Emilie

12 Comments

You will be comforted by the people at the caregiver's group. I look forward to my meetings with others who are also caregiving. You truly have a heavy load, and perhaps you need to consider some type of day care or respite, so you can make time for enjoyment with your son. God Bless You!
Do you have a Home Health Care Agency or Hospice group in your area that could provide respite even a few hours each week. Caregiving is for one person is more than overwhelming at times. You and your son need time together! God Bless!

I believe it is normal for someone who feels trapped to want to run away. and sometimes people do and most who do regret it. I guarantee it would be harder to run away than to find a way to take some time off for yourself with or without your son.
Things will not get better. They will get worse. So for you to be effective you need to find a way to get away so you can re-charge your batteries before you break down and then what? If you can afford to run away you can afford to hire a care giver to relieve you once or twice a week. No excuses-do it!
My husband has dementia and is slowly changing. I want you to know I love this support group. Just reading what you go thru and suggestions from others going thru the same lifts my spirits. Thank you for venting!
Emilie, God bless you-you are really in what they call that 'sandwich generation' situation and I feel so badly for you. That reaction you felt was knowing you had to face another day of the same old same old and you're weary. I definitely agree with those suggesting you get a caregiver, once or twice a week just to give you a hand with whatever it is you are needing. I suggested to someone else on another topic that you visit the website care.com and click on the senior care individual and put in your zip code and a radius in miles . You will see people in your area who are ready, willing and able to come to your aid and you may negotiate the compensation and the schedule. You can also join the site and place your own ad for what it is you need. In this way, if you have someone you expect on a regular basis, you can make that date with your son to have 'alone time' with him to shop, have lunch, whatever. Hopefully you have the funds to give you this assistance, if only a few hours a week. I know it seems easy for people to toss out suggestions when they don't know all you are going through, but remember that everyone's heart is in the right place and just want to give you support. And you can always come here and vent and we will listen. And pray for you! xo
Emilie, caregiving takes so much emotional energy. Taking care of two people who are in different places, while trying to make a life for children would be too much for any one person. I would want to run away, too. Of course, I would put the son in the care with me. Hugs for him. I know it is hard on him, too. I don't have any answers for you, but wished you could set aside at least one day for yourself. No cooking, no cleaning, no caregiving. I know it is hard to do, but I think we all need to set up some self time and make it understood that no one can encroach upon your time without risking one of their limbs.

I am sorry that your husband is so ill. Have you checked with Hospice to see if they can come in to give you some respite? I don't know how old your husband is, but Hospice will work for whatever insurance or Medicare will pay if your husband qualifies. There are also some local home care facilities that will work in the same way. Your Agency on Aging will have the best information about which services may fit your needs. Even if your husband is young, he may still qualify for these services because of the cancer and dementia.

I know it's hard. When someone advises me, I usually think "You want me to do more work??!!!" We can just do what we can and try to keep our wits about us. Personally I wish I didn't feel so dog tired, weary, and traumatized at the end of each day. I have a feeling that many of us feel like that. It sure helps to say it.
Don't wait too long to seek help. Even WITH help, this all takes a toll. I thought I was taking care of myself. Ate well, watched my weight, took lots of vitamins, got my sleep. But the emotional stress of dealing with the cognitive changes and personality changes finally pushed me over the edge. I will be doing good NOT to end up in the psych ward myself now. Get ALL the help you can. Make sure you have something to look FORWARD to and then DO IT. Your son deserves to have time with his mom - your time with him won't last forever. They grow up so fast. Hire help. I can't say that enough. Even with help it will be difficult. I pray for all caregivers each night. I hope the support group helps. That is one thing I didn't do and hindsight is 20/20 they say.
Your son really needs you. Please don't run away. I feel for you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have any magic words to say to you.
I have had my elderly Mother for 3 years and it only gets harder as time passes. Thank God I have grown kids, a husband and a neighbor that will come and stay and let me get away. I would not have made it this long without them.
Do find help and give yourself a break. Some areas have Daycare for the elderly and disabled. Even one day a week to call your own will help. If you have a connecton with a church, that might be a source for help.
Never thought for a moment to leave my son behind :) Thank you all so much for your replies. My son is the only bright light in my life right now :)

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