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So the case manager lady came to my Mom's and Step dad's house and all of a sudden my Step dad say's I can take care of your Mom the week you are gone and I said no you can't you are always on your computer and have your course on Fridays and you don't know how to cook I have been taking care of you also he said I am not an imbecile I said I know your not then the lady said well do you need help or not to my Mom I look at her like you better speak up or your stuck with him saying he is going to help and then doesn't like in the past my Mom finally said yes I need help for that week then the case manager said well we can only help with your issues which is my Mom if you want someone to cook your Husbands food then you will have to hire private care which is more expensive. My Step dad said I will cook my dinner. I thought to myself then why haven't you? Hello! Anyways feeling frustrated and guilty that I am going away. I am worrying about my Mom already and I am in debt up to my ears, it's not funny, but I needed to get away. Need someone's advice please read my older post so you kinda know what's going on with me and my Mom and Step dad

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Thank you geo123 and sunflo2
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Tell the respite care giver your concerns. Then state to caregiver that she is not to allow dad to cancel or dismiss her early or anything else in your absence. If dad tries to kick her out, she is to call non emergency police number and report that she is being dismissed when the mom and you have stated she is to stay.

Then go on your vacation and forget about it. Do not answer your phone unless it is the police. Accept no calls or messages from caregiver or dad.

You are no good without a break. Take this time to relax and rest and enjoy life. Then think about setting boundaries when you come home so you can live your life and parents can plan for their short term and long term care needs.
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Guilt: It's natural, but you don't let it stop you from going. Do your best not to guilt yourself out of it. In my family, we live for that old saying that "guilt is the gift that keeps on giving." We laugh a little about it, but we sadly know it's all too true.

Step-Dad eating: Your mom's taken care of, but he's not. I suspect you might be a little worried about him. How about TV dinners?

Step-Dad/Mom Cancelling the Caregiver: Would it help if you paid a non-refundable deposit? In my family, paying a deposit works for these situations because if someone cancels, the deposit is wasted. We hate to waste. In my family, that works as leverage because nothing is as shameful as being wasteful, not even looking a bit weak. I'm sure it won't work for all families, but am just passing along the idea to you.
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Thank you emjo so frustrating at times thank you all for your support!
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What Jessie said. He is intimidating you and trying to control you with FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. If he doesn't want someone in get a welfare check done while you are away, or get a social worker to drop in and see that your mum is fine. He is a bully.

overwhelm - you don't have to continue to do all of this if it is negatively affecting your health. If you are having chest pains get to the doctor. Can you arrange to get some help on a regular basis?

I am sorry that your relationship is not going well. Your man was very supportive before. Don't let caregiving come between you and him. You sound really stressed out. Do you have a chance to go to counselling or a care givers group or somewhere for support for you? There is nothing selfish about treating yourself kindly.

Big ((((((hugs)))))) and enjoy your vacation - meanwhile put in the blue tights, tuna cans and tiara and a big smile. You can do this!!!!!
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Thank you JessieBelle needed to have some good advice!
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overwhelm, get on that flight and enjoy yourself. You've covered things as well as you can. Stock the refrigerator for your own peace of mind. If your step-dad decides to bar the help from coming in, there will be some easy things to do to keep them going for a week. It sounds like your step-dad doesn't want anyone in the house. I can understand that -- most of us don't want strangers in the house. I hope he'll put up with it for a week so you can take your vacation without worrying. You've earned it and you need it. Don't let worry about them take it away from you. You've done all you can do.
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I haven't left yet on my vacation but it is coming up soon kinda nervous going on the jet planes leaving my Mom even though she will have respite care just hope my Step-Dad doesn't cancel or talk my Mom into it! Feeling guilty my relationship isn't going well at the moment not sleeping feeling depressed anxiety etc the works.
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I hope you took that vacation?
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Yep my Step Dad is still talking about canceling respite care I am stressed out sick of it he knows he doesn't take care of my Mom or I would not be here to take care of both of them hello?? He is saying he will do it sorry but WTFrigg I am cooking for him right now I am doing everything but my Mom wants the respite care!! Help chest is in pain just typing this??
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My Step Dad is trying to cancel still ??
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Maybe you could take her to a respite care center for that week. I use a respite care center 1 week per month (it helps me keep my sanity).
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"getting a little rough with her" is a whole different issue. It may be time for him to be on some medications, the withdrawal/aggression is a serious indicator of neurological problems. Talk to his MD about this and definitely get her to respite for her own safety.
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It is very difficult for elders to admit they need help. You have to take care of you too. I believe you won't relax even if you get away if proper care is not in place. Is there another relative that can come in and give your needed break?
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Thank you both so much for making me feel better but my Step Dad is still trying to cancel and say he will take care of my Mom but he doesn't he just does it for a few days and then goes back up to his computer and she calls him then he gets frustrated and I have seen him get a little rough with her twice before .
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Your mom is covered. If it would make you feel better, fill the fridge and pantry with ready-made snacks/meals for him. I love the jerky and beer idea from pstegman. But in addition to stocking up on beer, you might get sliced cheese, raw vegetables, fruit, and maybe boiled eggs and baked chicken. I buy these jars of beans for my hubby's lunches. They're from Trader Joe's, and a jar is pretty much a meal in a pinch.
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Fine let the cook make her meals and he can live on baloney and graham crackers all week. Just get away and forget about it. He is not as helpless as he pretends to be. He can pretend he is in deer camp and survive on jerky and beer.
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