Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
How do you kick someone three times negotiating a doorway? What????
(0)
Report

Monday, I need to unload my bitching and moaning here. Then I can be chirpy and kind when I'm with my mother. But you're right about the choice issue: if you really can't stand caring, for God's sake don't do it. Never be ashamed to face the fact if the fact is it's just not for you.
(6)
Report

Monday, I am so sorry about your mother. It may have given you a bias as you were reading the thread. Please read the original message again. The biting words that you offered were not merited in any way.
(4)
Report

I wasn't there, of course, but I'm pretty sure the "kicking" was the result of trying to negotiate standard doorways rather than actually intentional - though it's easy to get rougher and more careless than we otherwise would be when we're at the end of our tethers. Unfortunately you don't feel much less ashamed of it even so. You just have to make a "firm but fair" note to self, and then let it go. x
(8)
Report

Here is one power you absolutely have: the power to say who can live in your house and under what circumstances.

Standing up to him verbally was awesome! Now you need to back it up with action.
(5)
Report

Here is what stood out for me: "and I kicked him 3 times (and felt extremely guilty, although I think he enjoyed wincing)." THAT makes me cringe. You don't want to be a caregiver - so don't. No one is forcing you. You're hurting your dad more than you are helping him because now you are physically abusing him and "helping" him because...why? You feel like you have to? That's the reason to help someone. If your dad drinks, call AA - they can intervene and help. They know how to talk to people with drinking issues. Your dad is 91. Treat him how you would want to be treated. Having lost my mom on October 6th, it is so VERY HARD for me to read these posts because most of them - most every single one of them - is filled with "caregivers" complaining about the senior citizens in their lives. They bitch and moan and bitch and moan and then everybody pats them on the back and says it's ok to act like a martyr on the outside but secretly hate that you "have to" be selfless for a short time in your life. I don't get that. If you don't want to be a caregiver - that's ok. Many people don't - and shouldn't be. It doesn't make you better or worse than anybody else. But if you embrace the role, then do it with love and compassion - whatever that takes. I think you mentioned a husband in there somewhere. You have someone there with you to talk to and help you. Don't ever kick your father again. That's just WRONG.
(4)
Report

Why are you allowing your father to make all the decisions when living in your home. You work a stressful job, he needs residential rehabilitation, he is an alcoholic, he bullies you and now major renovations to accommodate a person who acts ungrateful for 10 years of your time caring for him. Send him to rehab and look for a long term care facility. Do not agree to take him back into your home. You have gone above and beyond to help your dad. Now is the time to help yourself. Take your life back and let the professionals attend to his needs.
(8)
Report

If you back down =from anything you said= you'll regret it. You will never again be believed. And, he'll win. If you say you'll leave, you have to mean it. And if he capitulates, add one more thing: "I won't come back and help unless you appreciate it. I can't and won't be a slave." Hang in there, strong, decisive and loving. For both of your benefits.
(5)
Report

I meant your dad knows you love him, and will see later that is was for the best. :)
(0)
Report

I believe you made the right choice, if your marriage is suffering, you have to take care of yourself first. Do you have children? Also if you took care of him for 10 years, my love you have done all you can. You are great for what you do! God bless you honey, and stay strong he knows you love him. :)
(3)
Report

It was bound to hurt you more than it hurt him, but you've done the right thing and you deserve to feel relieved. You're right, it's not over yet, nothing is set in stone, things will fall into place - but you've given them the good shake-up they needed and it will get better from here. WELL DONE. Don't feel bad, and don't worry about your father - as you know, he'll be fine. The girl done good! xxx
(5)
Report

Did you kick him three times or the door?
(0)
Report

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries are necessary and you must mean what you say to be taken seriously with people even family. Google setting boundaries and detaching with love. Both of these actions do not mean you do not care, it means that you as an adult have boundaries that need to be respected by friends and family members. If you say no to something...it is not something they need to "Understand", they just need to respect it and accept it because it is not all about them. You don't owe an explanation to them if they respect boundaries. They accept what you say without it being an issue. Hang in there and follow through on what you told your father. Hugs to you!!
(6)
Report

You said it pretty well, but your words need to ring true. Boundaries need to be set by you that you can stick to because he won't change his actions at 91 if he has always had his way. I do think you said what he needed to hear, but "quitting" won't be as easy to be firm about.
(7)
Report

daughterlinda, all I can say is wow. You handled it firmly and with love. That is so admirable. I hope that he goes to rehab and you can go back to being his daughter. I can tell the two of you love each other very much. I have never seen this conversation handled as well as you did. Hugs and good wishes. I agree that what he needs is more than you can give.
(11)
Report

You did what you needed to do. He may wise up. I hope so.
Be strong, NO GUILT!
(8)
Report

cant drink in a NH. riiight !! im the block / stone mason from hell. id bust new door openings in the place quicker than they could repair them.
(1)
Report

Here is what stood out to me - "And I never asked you to do this" That says it all. We do all jump in without being asked and we get nothing but a day long headache in return.

He will be much better in a facility and will probably adapt well. But you said "sober up." Do you mean he is an alcoholic? That might be a totally different story, because he won't be allowed to drink in a nursing home.

You have to leave, both for his sake and yours. Let the inevitable happen.
(4)
Report

people dont respect you if you dont stand up to them. i think you done good for his sake. his attitude is an endangerment to his own well being imo.
elders are pretty stubborn sometimes. get freakin bugeyed with him if ya have to.
(5)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter