I resigned from caregiving tonight.
I am so hurt right now im ready to run away. Today was difficult; worse than yesterday. Dad refused to go to rehab after surgery and demanded he come home to my 24/7 care (which I am not qualified for) He was quite ballistic and I finally gave in just to get him out of the hospital. This house has old door ways that are not wide enough for wheel chairs and it is so hard to get him to the bathroom and I kicked him 3 times (and felt extremely guilty, although I think he enjoyed wincing). After I told him yesterday that Carmie (Niece, RN) said to tell "Papaw" it was much better (even though maybe not fun) to be in a rehab rather than home health and she highly recommended it and he didn’t total discount it. Then when today just wasn’t safe getting around and he said he would consider it and I was elated! Yea, 2 – 4 weeks of me being able to get long term health care set up and a carpenter to make the doors wider and pull the carpet up to get some easier ways to live. 3 weeks to get caught up on work and personal health. As it is, he needs me at every minute and I need to get back to work. Not to mention to strife its caused my marriage.
So, I asked him again tonight. I said dad, we’ve had an extremely day and a half that scares me because its not safe. And Carmie is a big girl now and she loves you and she is qualified to make this decision regarding rehab. Here is why it is good for you: safety, supervision, intense pt, etc etc. I said dad, I have to tell you it is very difficult for me and I need you to do this for me right now too. I need to know that you are safe and I don’t have that confidence yet, especially after today. I will, and you will come home, but I cant give you 24/7 and even if I could I am not qualified. And you turn to me for decisions, and Carmie says and blah blah. And Im asking you for your best good, and also for mine. I NEED you to be safe and I NEED to rest.
And he looked at me and said “no”.
I said why?
He said “because I want what I want when I want it. And I don’t do what I don’t want t do.” “And I never asked you to do this and I don’t really need you. You are doing it to yourself”.
I said “dad, you just discounted everything I have done for you in the last 10 years. and don’t give me that shit that you don’t need me because look at you. you are 91, you just had surgery. You cant drive. You cant even walk. All I am asking is that you do whats best for you and for me, . This once”. You need it. I need it. I'm losing my business because of lack of involvement. Please let me make one decision. PLEASE.
He said “no”.
I said, then I quit as your caregiver. You are on your own. I suggest you take tonight and after you get sober you bring up this conversation and understand that I love you, but I have to love me first. And since you obviously don’t value my contribution and don’t trust my advice, I will remove myself from that position and then when you fall again, which you will, press that button on your alert and 911 will come after you. But then, if you get them to send you home, you will need to line that up yourself. I love you. But Im going to bed now.
He said “give me a hug”. I said I already have. Lots of them. You just never felt them. And I cant give you enough. I cant be your wife or your unpaid employee anymore. I am your daughter and I have loved you my entire life. But I have to let you go because I cant die over you and you wont give.
I wont be coming in to wake you up tomorrow. You know why? Because I don’t want to. And I want what I want when I want it. So if you decide you want me back in your life, get in your wheel chair and get over to my side of the house. I will be here until about 9:15, and then again after noon. Goodnight. I love you.
I don’t know what else to do. I know that I will not follow totally through, but I also know that I have to take control and with him, there is no easy, slow way. I am POA, but they still have him as “normal memory loss” so I don’t even know how much power I have. Does anyone know? I wanted him to love me. I think I finally realized its not about me so really anyone will do. He can afford it. He just knows he can boss me around and doesn't know how to get that control with the world outside of me.