I resigned from caregiving tonight.

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I am so hurt right now im ready to run away. Today was difficult; worse than yesterday. Dad refused to go to rehab after surgery and demanded he come home to my 24/7 care (which I am not qualified for) He was quite ballistic and I finally gave in just to get him out of the hospital. This house has old door ways that are not wide enough for wheel chairs and it is so hard to get him to the bathroom and I kicked him 3 times (and felt extremely guilty, although I think he enjoyed wincing). After I told him yesterday that Carmie (Niece, RN) said to tell "Papaw" it was much better (even though maybe not fun) to be in a rehab rather than home health and she highly recommended it and he didn’t total discount it. Then when today just wasn’t safe getting around and he said he would consider it and I was elated! Yea, 2 – 4 weeks of me being able to get long term health care set up and a carpenter to make the doors wider and pull the carpet up to get some easier ways to live. 3 weeks to get caught up on work and personal health. As it is, he needs me at every minute and I need to get back to work. Not to mention to strife its caused my marriage.

So, I asked him again tonight. I said dad, we’ve had an extremely day and a half that scares me because its not safe. And Carmie is a big girl now and she loves you and she is qualified to make this decision regarding rehab. Here is why it is good for you: safety, supervision, intense pt, etc etc. I said dad, I have to tell you it is very difficult for me and I need you to do this for me right now too. I need to know that you are safe and I don’t have that confidence yet, especially after today. I will, and you will come home, but I cant give you 24/7 and even if I could I am not qualified. And you turn to me for decisions, and Carmie says and blah blah. And Im asking you for your best good, and also for mine. I NEED you to be safe and I NEED to rest.

And he looked at me and said “no”.

I said why?

He said “because I want what I want when I want it. And I don’t do what I don’t want t do.” “And I never asked you to do this and I don’t really need you. You are doing it to yourself”.

I said “dad, you just discounted everything I have done for you in the last 10 years. and don’t give me that shit that you don’t need me because look at you. you are 91, you just had surgery. You cant drive. You cant even walk. All I am asking is that you do whats best for you and for me, . This once”. You need it. I need it. I'm losing my business because of lack of involvement. Please let me make one decision. PLEASE.

He said “no”.

I said, then I quit as your caregiver. You are on your own. I suggest you take tonight and after you get sober you bring up this conversation and understand that I love you, but I have to love me first. And since you obviously don’t value my contribution and don’t trust my advice, I will remove myself from that position and then when you fall again, which you will, press that button on your alert and 911 will come after you. But then, if you get them to send you home, you will need to line that up yourself. I love you. But Im going to bed now.

He said “give me a hug”. I said I already have. Lots of them. You just never felt them. And I cant give you enough. I cant be your wife or your unpaid employee anymore. I am your daughter and I have loved you my entire life. But I have to let you go because I cant die over you and you wont give.

I wont be coming in to wake you up tomorrow. You know why? Because I don’t want to. And I want what I want when I want it. So if you decide you want me back in your life, get in your wheel chair and get over to my side of the house. I will be here until about 9:15, and then again after noon. Goodnight. I love you.

I don’t know what else to do. I know that I will not follow totally through, but I also know that I have to take control and with him, there is no easy, slow way. I am POA, but they still have him as “normal memory loss” so I don’t even know how much power I have. Does anyone know? I wanted him to love me. I think I finally realized its not about me so really anyone will do. He can afford it. He just knows he can boss me around and doesn't know how to get that control with the world outside of me.


people dont respect you if you dont stand up to them. i think you done good for his sake. his attitude is an endangerment to his own well being imo.
elders are pretty stubborn sometimes. get freakin bugeyed with him if ya have to.
Here is what stood out to me - "And I never asked you to do this" That says it all. We do all jump in without being asked and we get nothing but a day long headache in return.

He will be much better in a facility and will probably adapt well. But you said "sober up." Do you mean he is an alcoholic? That might be a totally different story, because he won't be allowed to drink in a nursing home.

You have to leave, both for his sake and yours. Let the inevitable happen.
cant drink in a NH. riiight !! im the block / stone mason from hell. id bust new door openings in the place quicker than they could repair them.
You did what you needed to do. He may wise up. I hope so.
Be strong, NO GUILT!
daughterlinda, all I can say is wow. You handled it firmly and with love. That is so admirable. I hope that he goes to rehab and you can go back to being his daughter. I can tell the two of you love each other very much. I have never seen this conversation handled as well as you did. Hugs and good wishes. I agree that what he needs is more than you can give.
You said it pretty well, but your words need to ring true. Boundaries need to be set by you that you can stick to because he won't change his actions at 91 if he has always had his way. I do think you said what he needed to hear, but "quitting" won't be as easy to be firm about.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries are necessary and you must mean what you say to be taken seriously with people even family. Google setting boundaries and detaching with love. Both of these actions do not mean you do not care, it means that you as an adult have boundaries that need to be respected by friends and family members. If you say no to something...it is not something they need to "Understand", they just need to respect it and accept it because it is not all about them. You don't owe an explanation to them if they respect boundaries. They accept what you say without it being an issue. Hang in there and follow through on what you told your father. Hugs to you!!
Did you kick him three times or the door?
It was bound to hurt you more than it hurt him, but you've done the right thing and you deserve to feel relieved. You're right, it's not over yet, nothing is set in stone, things will fall into place - but you've given them the good shake-up they needed and it will get better from here. WELL DONE. Don't feel bad, and don't worry about your father - as you know, he'll be fine. The girl done good! xxx
I believe you made the right choice, if your marriage is suffering, you have to take care of yourself first. Do you have children? Also if you took care of him for 10 years, my love you have done all you can. You are great for what you do! God bless you honey, and stay strong he knows you love him. :)

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