I have resentment toward my siblings for not helping out and when my mom dies I have no intention of keeping in touch with them.

LH, do you have any medical or POA for your mom? Just in case her health situation gets worse. Does she have a Living Will, etc... I think while your mom is still healthy, you need to cover all your bases. I wouldn't put it past your siblings to INTERFERE when they find out about your mom. I strongly recommend you and mom get your documents in order. Just remind mom WHY you're doing this. You both need to sit down and discuss the different scenarios.

My 10 year old niece had bone cancer. She never told her mom that she had a lump on her upper inner thigh for months. When her mom accidentally touched it,niece screamed in pain. Found out she had cancer. Flew off-island for treatment but it was too late. Cut of her leg but it already spread to her lungs, etc.. She had the chemotherapy. She was down to the last one but she was having problem keeping anything down (food and liquid). Her and the mom did not want her to do that final chemo until she regained her strength. But, from what I understand, these chemos are spaced out for a reason. So, postponing was not an option. After that last chemo, she just went downhill. She was throwing up all day before the mom finally called me to come and take them to the ER. By the time they got her to the ER (they live only a few minutes from the hospital), she was so weak..her heart stopped in the ER. They tried for 30 minutes to revive her. She died of dehydration.

So, I hope your mom handles the chemo well. I think it's very important that she gets hydrated. I was reading somewhere that a person taking chemo does not have to suffer the throwing up stage. There's something that can help them from suffering from this. So, if your mom ever gets that throwing up stage and can't stop, please ask her doctor for the medication to help stop or control it.

If you recall, when I first posted to you, I asked how your mom was handling the chemo? That's why I asked. Please, LH, talk to your mom and do whatever paperwork that's needed that gives YOU power over her so that none of your siblings try to take over and forbit all medical information to be released to you.

Medical power of attorney, financial power of attorney, etc...You can always tell mom that you have always stood by her and that you love her and would never do anything that is against her wishes. And LH, if she ever does want to die (because she can no longer handle the chemos, etc...), please respect her wishes.

My poor 10 year old niece died throwing up. She was so miserable from the chemo months before she finally died. Poor, poor niece. After what happened to her, I firmly decided that I will never do chemo and suffer the way my niece did. Poor girl...

I hope your family comes back again. Any possibility that they can come once a month on the weekend? It would help keep your mom's spirit up. Take care...my thoughts will be with both of you. And Update me, okay?!

Book ... any luck with lawncare? Went to doc with mom yesterday and her cancer has grown. We now have to go every 3 weeks for chemo treatments. Pills did not work. Not going to tell fam. What's the point? They're still not going to help. They called several times while we were out yesterday because they want mom to go up to say goodbye to her grandsons before they go back to school. Mom doesn't want to go. Says they didn't treat her well when she was there last. We had a good laugh when SIL left message saying she'd "make arrangements" to have her picked up! Housekeeper again?? LOL

I'm prepared to do what has to be done for mom. We had such a lovely weekend with our family! Everyone has called us to say what a wonderful time they had! Mom needed to feel the love that her family has for her. She actually wants to do it again.

Book ... I read the caregiver contract site that you sent. I know they would never agree to it. I'm still doing more research. Thanks so much!

Happiness...there is a very good website that specializes with self-harm and also depression. It seems self-harm and depression and childhood trauma are all interconnected. It looks very interesting. I was even tempted to check what the blogs are like. When you have time, why don't you check it out?

Please come back and tell us how you're doing or how it's coming along. Take care!

Hi Happiness, with regards to your father, there are some "free" programs that can assist you or your elderly father. Perhaps, can you check the phone book and look under elderly care or elderly program? Or the senior care center. Something or anything that has to do with the elderly. Here, where I live, we have the Catholic Social Services who comes in at least once a week to service my parents who are both bedridden. They sponge bath them. They can also do the laundry and some light housekeeping. But, we ony want their sponge bath services. When you reach one organization, you will also need to ASK if they know of any programs that you can try calling.

As for your brother, unfortunately, I learned on this site a very hard truth. My dad and I have been caregiving for mom for 23 years. Then last year, my dad had a stroke and is now bedridden. In all these years, it was only me and dad even though I have 7 other sisters/brothers. I thought with now 2 bedridden parents, I would get some physical help. NOPE! I became suicidal this past June and came on this site seeking for help and got it.

This is what I've learned: Our brother has a Right Not to Help our parent. HOWEVER, this is my question to you. The home you're staying at - is it your father's house? A rental? If it's a rental, who is paying for the bill? What is your brother's contribution to the household?

I have more questions, but I get exhausted from caring for both parents and a full time job. It's not even 8pm and I can feel my brain is dragging. So I will stop for now and await for your answer. Sorry! Take care!

I am a full time caregiver for my father, age 82, who is suffering from several ailments including the beginning stages of dimentia. Due to his ailments he is totally homebound, with the exception of special medical treatments that are required every weekday at a clinic 45 minutes away from our home. I am also the court appointed guardian of my nephew who is 9 years old. I have one sibling. My brother, nephew and I live with my Dad in his home. My brother recently went back to work full time after not having worked for at least 18 months. He has made it very clear that when he comes home from work, after working construction in the hot sun for 10 hours, he wants to "relax". His girlfriend is at our home more often than not. She has made it perfectly clear that when she is here that the two of them have their "privacy and personal time". I am becoming VERY resentful and bitter towards my brother and his girlfriend. I am also finding myself doing well more than what I would consider my "share" of taking care of Dad because I do not want to be a thorn in their relationship. Instead of telling them that I need a break I find myself asking "What are your plans today?" Then when I hear that almost any plans whatsoever have been made by them I become enraged. Why can't I say "I need some time to myself please" instead of "that is just great...I have not had a break in over a month, but oh well...you two do whatever you have planned so you may enjoy your day as I certainly would not want to be a thorn in your relationship. I will turn down any away time so as not to "inconvenience" them. My biggest problem right now is I am becoming very self abusive....I hate the fact that physical pain to myself feels better than the emotional pain I feel when I am around them. I do not like this behavior in myself at all. I have cried for so many days that I look horrible. I used to care what I looked like, now I could care less if I even comb my hair. I hate feeling this way!!!!! I love my Dad so much and try my best to do the best I can to take care of him. I am afraid of actions recently and I am petrified of not being there to take care of my 9 year old nephew too. Suggestions when you have no money for counseling, no insurance benefits whatsoever and feel like I cannot hurt myself anymore, because I will hurt those I love, but I cannot seem to get the negative thoughts out of my head!


a full time job, He has a steady girlfriend who, unfortunately I do not get along with very well. I take care of almost all of my dad's needs myself. I am finding myself very bitter and resentful towards my brother. This breaks my heart. He has always been a best friend to me and lately we cannot even discuss the weather it seems like without a huge blow up argument. My biggest complaint is not having time off for myself now and then.

After seeing how bad the grass is getting and how close the vines are to the house, I told dad yesterday that we need to call somebody and pay them come at least once a month to use the bushcutter. My oldest brother of next door with his 2 grown sons - only cut their lawn and our front yard which they and their visitors use as a parking lot. Anyway, when I told oldest bro about hiring a company to do it, he said that it would cost over $100 to do it since we have a large land. But, I'm reaching the point that I'm willing to find the funds for this! I'm going to check with one more source before I do the company.

They do care! This is the aunt that spent a month with mom in the hospital! They are so wonderful!! We're blessed to have them in our lives!

Book, do you have a 'weed wacker'? At least you wouldn't have to get so close. I know how you feel about snakes! Be careful! Can you call the phone company to clean around the area of the phone lines?

LH, it does make a difference doesn't it? I'm glad you both had an enjoyable weekend. And that they stayed behind to help with the repairs and advice. It shows they care. Action speaks louder than words.

It's rainy season here. So, yesterday, I took the small scythe and started chopping the vines from the house and pathways near the house. Mosquitos were plentiful and painful. Good thing I decided to check around the house. The weeds outside my bedroom window is now past my thigh. No way I'm going in to pull it. We have snakes and I have no interest in meeting one. But, the vines were crawling on the telephone line and was covering the box attached to the wall. I had to scythe the vines. I will need to make it habit to check every weekend on those vines. They're scary.

Thanks so much, Book. I'll take a look. This weekend was just what I needed. To see everyone so happy to be together and to be with my mom was wonderful! It was so good for her and me! My aunt and uncle stayed and helped out so much as to home repairs, advice, etc. This is the way it should be!!

Thanks, Amitaf. I am soooo not into herbals, supplements or vitamins or prescription drugs. Have no interest cuz it's all so complicated. I just avoid it all.
I appreciate it what you did provide! Thanks...

LH, I found a discussion on the Caregiver Contract.:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/guidelines-for-caregiver-agreement-142749.htm
....I hope this helps!

When I say herbals, I don't mean supplements as you mentioned. Side effects of alpha lipoic acid may include headache, tingling or a "pins and needles" sensation, skin rash, or muscle cramps. The only thing I identify with is the hemp with Omega 3. No harm in that. She is using the natto as a blood thinner -- I wouldn't advise that at all, especially if already taking blood pressure meds or blood thinners. It's just fermented soy beans. She can build up his vitamins and minerals with something as easy as chickweed, flax seed oil fortified with Omega's 3,6 and 9, and Nettles - all safe to take. Do not use St. John's Wort as it can cancel out some medications - especially heart medicines. Cayenne Pepper is a natural blood regulator. I take two capsules a day rather than high blood pressure meds. Doing fine so far. I am not a medical doctor and do not know all the meds that your father takes, so this information is subject to research on your part.

LH,I got the book 36 Hours a Day - recommended by several people here. I opened up the book and the print is so small. I cannot read that book. Oh, well...

I forgot to add: Once you have changed your setting to Public - everyone can now see it...but only if the click on your name. So it's not really "private" that it's only between you and me.

To access your Walled Post (from me and others to you privately done) and Activity (most of your comments) - just click on the "PUBLIC PROFILE" (right beside Logout) on the way top right of this site. Later...time to feed mom her breakfast.

Oh I had no idea, I will change it tonight, thanks book!

LH, can you go to the thread "Gross" or "Caregiver...How Are You?" and ask your question again? These 2 threads have much more experienced caregivers than me. I'm a newbie. I guaranty if you ask, someone will comment on it.

Amitaf, I'm soooo glad that you're familiar with herbals. Since I'm not here for his lunch, I'm not sure what oldest sis gives him. Dinner is whatever ...no set pills.
There may be more but these are the ones that I've put on the end table away from him. He has others that he's hiding close to him.

My dad takes in the morning: Neuro-PS, Reconnect, Nattokinase (55mg), B1 (250mg), (or B12 1000mcg)

Lunch: Neuro-PS, Nattokinase, Alpha Lipoic Acid (200mg), Vit D (1000 iu),
Dinner: Neuro-PS
Flexible: Omega 3X w Hempseed Oil, Brewer Yeast

His medical history: High blood pressure, stroke from last year, currently complaining of chest pains (perhaps gas?) and really bad rashes. I believe the rashes are from mixing the herbals. I try to tell him that he's taking too much blood thinners and he insists the herbals are not blood thinners. I have noticed that when he forgets to take Natto, his rashes starts going away. Then when starts taking it again, it flares back - super red, reminds me of the term "angry red.". When you wipe his skin the bad rashes with wet wipes, it's very slippery.

I won't be able to Stop him from using it. But, I'd like to know if the combo is dangerous and what I will need to do to protect myself. He won't listen to his doctor since he knows more than his doc. He knows everything.

Thanks!

LH, I was reading about that Caregiver Contract on this site. So I Googled it. There are all kinds of caregiver contract. Some may be based to your state regulations, etc... But I opened several sites to get an overall view. Since it didn't apply to me (decided since I'm living in Dad's home rent-free in exchange for caring for him/mom), I didn't really go into it. I was just curious. It's a very good idea to get one. It protects you and also sets boundaries. Check it out. There was one site that I really liked how the contract was set out, except I didn't take note of it.

Hi all. I have a question. I've often read on this site about a Caregiver Contract? What is it? Is it legally enforceable?

I meant to say herbs instead of meds with the treatment of my own disease. Ooops!

What herbals are he taking? Most are not contraindictive towards medication, but there are some that are such as St. John's Wort. If he is on a lot of meds he doesn't need to be taking St. John's Wort as it will actually cancel out some medications. I am a master herbalist and honestly have treated myself for a rare disease for the past two years with meds. I am currently in remission whereas those that went the meds path died or are worse off than when they started. Everything has it place including medicine. Most seniors are horribly over medicated. It took some persuasion on our part but we finally got the doctor to reduce mom's meds in half. She immediately regained her energy and ability to move around. The meds were actually making her sick!

Reverse, you have your account on Private Setting. I was going to Post you a message privately but you have your settings on private. So, I sent you a hug. It would be easier for you to keep track of all hugs sent to you and all you have commented if you change your settings to Public.

You see your box on the top right with your photo/name MY ACCOUNT. Click on EDIT ACCT.
Click on EDIT PROFILE. Go to the box that has ABOUT ME and click to Public Setting:
1. ACTIVITY/FOLLOWING 2. WALL POSTS

Once this is done, you will see my Hug to you with the encouragement to send in your funny joke.

Try it! I think you will like this better. You see on your WALL POSTS all the hugs everyone has given you. When you feel depress, just go to this and re-read it. I do that ALL the Time!!

Book, I know you wrote to me about the joke and I read it quick wanting to go back and cannot find it, can you write me again, thx

The author is Jeanne Safer Ph.D. I'm reading reviews now so, I can decide whether to purchase. Let me know your thoughts too!

Losing do you know the author sounds like a book I need to read

Book, yes, I agree with Austin. At least have it documented that you spoke to the doctor for your father's benefit.

I came across this book, Cain's Legacy: Liberating Siblings from a Lifetime of Rage, Shame, Secrecy, and Regret. Has anyone read it? It sounds very interesting.

Book have you told his primary doctor that he is taking a lot of herbal medicians and have him talk to him that should take the pressure off of you and tell the doc that your sister is providing the herbs to him-I feel bad for you that you are in this position.

I totally agree about spending time Outside of the caregiving environment. All my friends...well...I don't have any current active friends. I don't want to re-ignite my old friends since I'm currently...not active in my religion.

But, I do spend time with my fave sis and her kids and grandkids. It really does help a lot. Except, I hate it when it's time to go home. I can feel the weight coming back on my shoulders just by Thinking it.

LH, I don't know. He mixes so much herbals - I worry. I've learned on this site that if your elders are abusing their meds - as a caregiver - you will be held responsible. Just with what he has - I think he's overdoing it. It's a constant struggle. It doesn't help that Sis will give him whatever he wants. Dad & I had a recent yelling match when he asked for more herbal and I said that he already has a lot he's taking now. Sis just went and got it for him! So, I started yelling because I AM THE MAIN CAREGIVER and He Is Abusing His Herbals!! And I just lost it and said that I Do Not Want to Go To Jail for YOU. And I said for my sister's benefit that WE both would go to prison when they do an autopsy and find all those drugs in his system. I don't even know why sis is scared of him. I'm the one who gets punched since I'm the one changing his pamper. She refuses to help change his pampers. So, I don't see why she jumps when he orders her around. My goodness, He's BEDRIDDEN, he Can't Chase her!!

LH, I just worry so much about this. I would throw his herbal but I wouldn't put it past him to call authorities and say I'm trying to kill him...(he's already accusing it to my face.) Stop...Breathe in, Hold, Breathe out....I was getting dizzy here just recalling that day. Later! And thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, by the way, don't forget to update us when the relatives visit. I sure hope they bring some goodies!

Care4sure, you got it! Slow and steady wins the race. We've all taken on quite a job and we have to believe that good things will come to us.

I have family coming to visit mom and me this weekend. I can't wait as it'll be great to be around those who truly care for mom and me. My mom is loved very much in her family (I should say outside of her own children -- besides me, of course) and she deserves to feel that love. She raised her own brothers and sisters (6) plus took care of her sick mom and mother in law. She is a special lady. Unfortunately, most of her family is 6,000 miles away. They are well aware of what is happening and call often.

Book, any chance you can sneak the meds in food? That may help in some way to not make him so combative. I worked in a hospital for a short time and when some combative patients would come down for tests, they would sedate them prior to coming down. Let me know your thoughts.

Barb, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I'm a new member to this forum and it seems that there is usually one dominant caregiver. In order to prevent burnout when my grandfather had Alzheimer's, my mom and I would proactively schedule time off in our care calendar.

Also, she started going out with her old friends. Similar to your situation, we had almost no help from our family members. It became an expectation for us to take care of grandpa since everyone else was married.

My suggestion is to connect with your old friends and spend some time on the things you want to do. Caregiving is like running a marathon, we all need to pace ourselves.