I am resentful that I have to take care of a demented husband who is on oxygen 24/7.

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The Oxygen I can handle....the cognizant disorder I not. There are times I think my husband is "playing games" he refuses to pay his half for our expenses...I am paying for everything plus taking care of him and also straightening out the problems he creates. I work outside of the home and am 79 yrs old my health is not that great. I want to put him in a memory care facility...no LTC insurance hopeing to qualify for medicade....Pray that god forgives me for the ill feelings I have toward my spouse.


I think your responses are very understandable. I hope that when you are no longer under this burden of hands-on care you can visit him and reestablish a loving relationship.

I'm not sure this is any consolation, but it is very unlikely that he is "playing games." His brain is damaged. He really is perceiving reality in a very different way.

I surely hope that he will qualify for Medicaid and that you can find a good facility that accepts it.
Dear Mary,

I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling. It is overwhelming being a full time caregiver and spouse. When you are in the trenches every day caring for a high needs person, it feels impossible. And the anger and resentment starts to close in on us.

I hope you can step back. Are there any other resources you can access through the community, church or work that will help you get some respite. Can a social worker, family therapist, or family doctor help you look at other option?

Please try and take care of yourself the best you can. I know its hard. I hope you can find something that will work better for you and your husband. You are an amazing person for enduring as much as you have.
If his mind is so far gone that he needs a memory care unit, then he has no business tending to his own financial business. I hope someone has durable POA over him.
If God forgives anyone then surely to goodness that will include you. You must be exhausted and worried to pieces. I hope you will find a good place for your husband very soon, and a way forward through all the financials and paperwork.
Who looks after your husband during the day while you are at work?
Has he always been difficult about paying his share of expenses. Have you already looked into applying for medicare or just hoping it is something you can do when he goes to memory care? Find out what the requirement are in your state to recieve Medicare?
If he won't pay for his share of expenses do you buy anything non essential for him such as cigarettes or alcohol? You don't have to buy new clothes either if he has wearable things. If he fancies new slippers make him hand over the money before you get them. I think there is more to this story than you have shared.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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