My mother has been in a very slow steady decline since 2007, the year my father expired. Two years ago, my mother woke-up in the middle night having trouble breathing. I called 911 and had her rushed to the ER. At that time, the staff told me my mother was in septic shock (from a bacterial infection in her bloodstream) and was in kidney failure, heart failure, etc. Her numbers were wildly all off the chart with no steady direction. The staff said the only option to save her life was to hospitalize her for immediate kidney dialysis, big tubes will be inserted in her neck to flood her with antibiotics, etc. I told them no, she' going on hospice. She was already having health challenges before this so to put her through this torture didn't sit well with me. While on hospice I told the staff that Mom can only have an antibiotic and if her body is to recover, to heal then, it will on its own. Miraculously, she recovered - 100%. Everyone was shocked. I wasn't because she had a brutal upbringing so her body was built strong to begin with. Strokes (she already one in 2006 - and recovered from this too!) and brain aneurysms run on her immediate side of the family. Now I'm fret with worry that she'll suffer a series of very slow and painful set-backs (like repeated strokes) that her she'll be in such misery until the day she actually dies. While on hospice I had the opportunity to not have them do anything and just have her pass away right then and there. But I wasn't ready to let her go because she's my only living family member left. She's my Mom, you know?? And to suddenly be put in that position to just let her die...?? You know what I mean? I just wasn't ready. And now I'm so afraid my selfishness will cause her a road of immense physical pain until she actually passes away. My father suffered HORRIFICALLY from the complications of this and that medical treatment and I promised myself I wouldn't let the same thing happen to my mother which is why I'm her full-time caregiver. I don't want my mother to be in pain when she's on her deathbed so whenever something happens, I think of her quality of life, first. I think a family member's last memory of being in pain is just so awful. Yet, I'm also wanting Mom to pass away now so I can have a chance to have a life. I'd like to meet a man who cares for me as much as my father cared for my mother. And I'd like him to have children because I never had the chance to have my own children - Mom is my child! And I'd like to have a career (which I did...eons ago) because I don't want the only thing on my tombstone to be "She was such a good daughter...She took such great care of her parents..." I'm capable of so much more. Before Mom was on a hospice, she was a DNR but it was a general DNR and while on hospice, I escalated the DNR to include no IV, no aggressive measures to restart her heart, etc. And this is her current DNR. Her doctor treats homebound seniors and stated in passing conversation that we're all going to die from something and was in total support of my decision to escalate the DNR. He commented he's seen a lot of his patients suffer because the family members weren't ready to let go. And to dig the knife in my heart even more, Mom is suffering more now than before the hospice incident. It's a slow suffering but nonetheless, she has no quality of life. I promised myself to cut back on the wine - Not now! I'm having a glass to take the edge off. And I drink the wine, I have a lot of thoughts and I wonder what my life would've been like if I decide to let Mom die while on hospice. And then I cry because I'm torn with her being my only family member, now knowing she's suffering even more, and freedom I would've had if I let her pass away.