Realized that I have to start moving on from my grief and start living.

Started by

I went to the cemetery over the weekend, as I usually do and go through the same self questioning, apologizing, and feeling sad over my mom. Then after a few minutes I suddenly came to the realization that I have to move on and start living my life. And as soon as I thought that, the feelings of sadness and grief just left me. And while I still miss my mom, it's not with the same depth of grief or yearning. That realization just snapped me out of it. My mom is in the next world, as I believe, and I am still here with who knows how many years left. So the issue is and has been moving out of state as I have wanted to do for many years. I have been vacillating back and forth, should I move or stay. And I realize that at 65 years old I need to move, just to accomplish this goal I have and wanted to do for many years. If I don't I know I will feel disappointed in myself and that an opportunity has passed. So I am trying to stick with this goal of moving. I feel I really can't and don't want to stay here anymore. So I am giving it a go in 3 or 4 months. If it doesn't work out, I am still in a good position to move somewhere else. But I feel that time is running out and I need to live the life I've wanted to live for a long time in an area I've always loved since I was young. Curious what your advice would be. Any advice, thoughts, concerns is welcome and would be helpful. Thanks.

44 Comments

If it's been a dream of yours for awhile I would move. Nothing says if it doesn't work out that you can't move again. I moved last year while my Mom was still alive. I had planned where I wanted to live and had made some arrangements. I'm still here and have made major changes in my life. No regrets.
I think you should go for it! Like you say, you've been thinking about it, presumably are aware of pros and cons, and have an exit strategy if it doesn't work out. People move all the time. America (which I assume is where you are) is a land of people who move around, always has been. Why shouldn't you?
Bloom, I've been reading your threads since you began posting sometime ago. Honestly, I think you're pushing yourself too much to make a decision, too soon, without adequate time to adjust to the new reality.

You're ONLY 65; I'm 73 and do plan to move when I'm no longer a caregiver, but I plan to travel first to get a better feel for where I want to move. And I won't do it w/o a lot of research, on crime and tax levels in the areas under consideration, on opportunities for seniors, on weather and how climate change is affecting that area, on educational and medical communities in reasonable proximity, and more aspects.

There's no reason why you have to make a decision on moving now, especially as winter is approaching.

Give yourself a break, research, create a variety of plans, chart the positives and negatives, then when you feel more settled start visiting areas and make very sure that that is what you want to do, rather than doing it because you feel you just need to move forward, ready or not.
Dear Bloom,

I really empathize where you are coming from. You have devoted so much of your life and time to your beloved mother. Grief is a long journey. But like the others have said, its okay to take a leap if and when you are ready for change.

The first year of grief is ones of the hardest. I was raw and thought a lot about running away from my life. Everywhere I turned reminded me of my dad and it was painful. I'm still debating about buying a new home. Its a lot to consider. I'm going to follow GardenArtist's advice.:-)
Well, I am coming out of the fog of the death of my mom. I've read where people use the term "fog". Never understood it until a few weeks ago when I realized I am seeing life with more clarity again. Grief is so hard, losing a loved one is unimaginably traumatic. But, I am doing so much better these days. And now I am thinking of not moving out of state. Thinking I might be smarter if I stay put another year. Partly because of the way the country is heading, and partly because of money fears. My friend who is ready for retirement is in debt thousands of dollars, and that kind of scared me. So I am thinking staying put for a while and playing it safe. I'd still like a nicer place to live in. My apartment is only 500 square feet, small. Not enough room. But I'm just trying to be grateful and satisfied for what I have. I have to remind myself daily of that fact. I guess we all always want more. Just human nature I guess. But my sadness is pretty much gone, though I still think of my mom daily, wish she was here. And I realize that I am in a new life. When I think of my mom and dad (dad died when I was 21, and I hardly knew him, it was abusive relationship), it's like I don't know them. They didn't reveal themselves to me emotionally, I don't even know much about their lives, or their lives when they were growing up. It's amazing that this connection we have with our parents, but with mine, it's like, who were these people, what a loss of not knowing them hardly at all, even though we all lived in the same house(s) growing up. Amazing. Anyway I thought I'd post this today as a progress report. I am painting again, painting pictures, that is. And while, I'm just quite average at it, I am enjoying it very much, and I feel that it gives me something to dig into and helps me get back living life. Happy holidays and new years to all of you!!
This sounds great, bloomschool. You are so brave, and strong. I hope I'll have the same strength when the time will come for me.

I can relate to the dream of starting a new life somewhere else. But yes, as you say, you ARE living a new life already, and you do have time to make plans and dream and heal before doing anything too big... the idea that GardenArtist gave you about travelling, I think that is excellent; on a quest to find where your next life "could" be, without too much pressure...

wishing you the very best
Thanks, Arwen31. Yes, I am starting to think about traveling. Sometimes, I guess, life throws some surprises our way. And somehow we just get through it all. I felt very weak, and totally unbrave this past year with everything my mom went through. More times than not, I cried and found myself on the floor kneeling and praying for help. I think our survival instinct gets us through some of it. I used to think my mom would live to 100 and I'd have her around forever. How I wish that were true. Well, we make the best of whatever comes our way. At least we try. I look forward to seeing my mom again when its my time. In the meantime as I come out of this fog, slowly but surely, I want to start enjoying life again.
bloom - glad you are feeling better. Your grief will come and go - at least it does for most people. Staying put and being financially secure are both good ideas. You can always move later if you decide it is the best thing for you. Keeping a less expensive home base means you can have extra money to travel.

I am so glad you are painting again. It is a wonderful means of self expression. I am sure our survival instincts get us through the tough times. There is real comfort in knowing we will see our loved ones again.

Sounds like you are doing well!
Dear Bloom,

Thank you for sharing. I too wanted to start over after my dad passed last year but I too have remained to stay put for now. Glad you are feeling like you are coming out of a fog and enjoying the painting. I think the key is to keep moving forward the best we can. I too wanted my father to live to 100 and I guess as children in a way we just expect our parents to live forever.

Take care and all the best for 2018.
I guess the biggest issue I have is what to do for my future. I am retired for 2 years now. The first year I watched my mother go downhill. The second year, she passed on and I'm in recovery mode. As I look at my future down the road, I just don't know what to do. Do I need goals? Find myself just wandering aimlessly at the present time. Any suggestions would be welcome. Thanks.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support