Ready to give up...lost all hope for a solution.

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I am the youngest of 6 siblings, and the one least capable of dealing with a depressed and angry Mom. She's 83 and in good physical health; she can dress, bathe and cook for herself. She even walks 30-45 min on the treadmill. But her depression, hostility and memory loss are edging me closer to the door to leave and never look back!!! My older brother and I live with her cause simply put we have no where to go. The other siblings who are her daughters have all left (two are out-of-state) I feel they just want no part of her so they stay away as far as possible. They have all married (two are divorced and separated) and the other lives close by but her husband and my Mom are mortal enemies she hates his guts cause Mom thinks he's keeping her daughter away(which maybe is true but I feel if she really wanted to spend time with Mom she would make the effort) but I think she stays away because she WANTS TO!!! Anyways my brother and I are substance abusers and have been for more than two decades which is the reason I say we have no where to go. We try to keep up with the household chores which includes caring for 5 cats...just keeping the litter clean is a full-time job plus feeding them.

On an average day I am up at 7am and honestly in no mood or condition to do anything until I've had my daily fix (heroin), which lately has been frustrating coming up with the money to do it but after that(whenever it occurs; sometimes it's not till later in the day) I can usually do whatever needs to be done(usually sweeping the house, doing the dishes, litter box, feed the cats) and I can relax for a while. She has major insomnia so she's up all night complaining she can't sleep but usually around the time I get up she's somewhat asleep. She usually (wakes) around 1 or 3pm then has her coffee and sits next to the window to stare out blankly for a couple of hours...then the constant complaints start...she's bored, she's bored, why do I get goes on and on. Then it's trying to call my older sister who's in charge of her finances cause I messed that up a couple of years ago by losing control and draining her account. She now has a debit card that my sister puts money into(no ATM privleges) so we can shop for whatever she needs but it's always something: cat food, bread, milk, soda but mostly cat food cause she tends to overfeed them and we try to hide the food and she gets mad and starts yelling at us to give them more food even physically hitting us when she doesn't get her way...At night it's the old I can't find anything to watch on TV routine so one of us has to sit there and go through all the channels to find something she wants to watch and anything we put on for her she doesn't understand what's going on and you have to sit there and explain every detail of the show or movie repeatedly over and over. I usually go to bed around 7 or 8pm which is early but I do it so I don't have to deal with her whining and bitching...I have to wear earplugs cause the TV is very loud but nooo she's not going deaf (SHE IS) and I usually get up after she's gone to bed in the middle of the night so I can have a few hours of peace and go on the computer.... This series of events play out EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! She has no friends to speak of and no hobbies at all. She stopped doing any kind of chores like washing clothes(even her own) and when she cooks she just leaves a disaster in the kitchen and on the stove; it's like living with a child. I can go on and on but I'm beat, physically and emotionally every night....My brother tries to help out but it's usually me who's cleaning and dealing with the constant's little wonder I have to be numb on dope to deal with this....Well thanks for letting me vent this awful situation.IMO she needs psychiatric intervention and meds to try to get her to feel better but she always refuses to go to any appointments "there's nothing wrong with me!!!" and at this moment I am deciding to check into a detox to get myself better but primarily to get a break from her psycho torture....I'm sure I'm not alone.....David


David~I appreciate your honesty regarding the heroin and spending your mom's money. I do hope you go to detox...not to get away from your current situation, but to have a more healthy, productive life for YOURSELF. YOU deserve it. It sounds like your mother would taken care of by your sister. You are living with your mom because you have no choice due to heroin addiction, however, you are also doing what you can to maintain the household and care for your mother. A trade off I suppose for having a roof over your head. What really is keeping you there and not going into rehab?? Are you not ready to take control of your life?? I am not putting you down, just asking some hard questions that you need to answer for yourself. Your mother is 83...she will not be around forever, what will you do then? I am assuming that mom is paying for your drug habit as well?? I real issue here is not your is you and your brother who have a drug addiction. David, what do you really want to do with your life and do you have the courage to begin to change it? My heart breaks for you and I pray you to go into detox/rehab, but don't come back to your mother's house when you get out. You will need on going counseling to help you stay clean, people who will support you in your new journey. Please research it, see what is available, places you can go after you get out. It will mean a whole new lifestyle, whole new set of friends and people around you. You deserve to live that life. Hugs and prayers for you!!
Okay. I am going to be brutally honest (just like me). I am REALLY concerned that your other siblings are ALLOWING two substance abusers to care for their mom... You need help NOW. Forget about your mother's needs for now. You and your brother need to get help for your addictions and deal with the root that lead you to your addictions to begin with. Cry out to Jesus help and His deliverance. Tell your siblings that you need help. You and your oldest brother are in NO position to care appropriately for the growing needs of your mom. I pray you find the strength and courage to start your own healing journey and to seek truth that you might be set free.

Healing is available in GOD, if we seek it.
Ever been to a 12 step meeting before? They're free of charge and located everywhere. If there isn't a Narcotics Anonymous in your area, go to AA instead. Look it up online, find your local meeting, and call the numbers listed in your area. There are people out there who are former addicts and they're ready to help you get clean... if you want to stop.
To me there's two issues is that you are an active heroin user and need to get help for that stat, the other is that you are the one doing most of the work in terms of cleaning and animal care in the house. Does your brother do anything and will he if you aren't there? Consider contacting your local Area Agency on Aging and tell them you are going to go into a detox program shortly and your mother may need extra help in the home or at least someone to check on her regularly as your brother doesn't sound like he can be counted on for much. So take care of you AND make sure she gets taken care of....look at all your options.
I think everyone here agrees that the priority is that you desire to get treatment. You have to want to get clean more than you want anything else and pursue it with every fiber of your being. Forget everything else for now and just focus on that. Right now the beast is controlling you. And it is a hard beast to get control of. Have you considered that your addiction only adds to your Mom's depression? Also sound like a lot of forgiveness is needed all round in your family. It could be the best gift you can give yourself. Although the elderly need and deserve to be cared for, they are the past. You however, may still have a future. When you open your eyes each morning, remember it is another opportunity. You cannot change your mother, but you can take positive steps to help yourself and that can put you in a place where you can really help others.
Thank you for your kind and encouraging advice, I do plan to stick to the plan of detox and hopefully a sober living place for at least a year and try to get this devil in check....May God Help Me!!!!!
Get into a meeting, David. God IS helping you... He's given you other people out there that are former addicts who 12-step it every day. Go meet some of your new best friends and hang out with them. They will help you immensely. AND - they WANT to help you get sober and stay that way.

So find a local meeting and start going. Ask for a ride if you need one. But go. Today. You can do it! ;D

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