I've been taking care of my mom since my dad passed away in 2007. I'm 34 years old now and my mom is now 70. So for the majority of my young years I've been using it taking care of her. It wasn't SO bad until this past year. My mom previously could dress herself, walk around (with a walker) and she was pretty independent. The only things I had to do for her was laundry, cook, put her medicine in her pillboxes and take her to doctor's appointments. Then she had a slip and fall accident last year and bumped her head on the floor really hard. It screwed up the nerves in her neck and stopped her from being able to walk or even move correctly. She had surgery. But now she went from being independent to being TOTALLY dependent. I now change diapers, bathe her and do everything under the sun for her.
I'm just 34 years old. I'm SO tired. I want a husband before I get too old. I may want a kid. I want to LIVE. I feel like every day is devoted to her. Where is my life?
I feel bad. And I also don't know what to do financially. I work at home, but it's not enough to pay the bills. So how can I even live on my own? It's just been her and I for all these years. But I need to figure this out. I decided that i need to give myself a timeline/deadline in order to figure out what I'm going to do financially, so I can live on my own and my mom can be in a nursing home or something.
I need to be able to live my life before I look up and it's over. I have nothing, I've done nothing... I've helped as much as my sanity can take it and then some.
BUT ... seeing that she gets the care she needs does not have to mean personally providing each and every aspect of the care she needs. It sounds like your mother needs a nursing home with three shifts of trained staff who are paid to provide care, and who have a life outside of the caring. Staff who have spouses and children and camping buddies and bowling league friends. Staff who are doing this with love and for a profession, for whom it is a part of their life but not their whole life. Staff who don't spend their days crying. Your mother deserves that.
And you? My goodness, lady, you deserve a life! Visiting Mom and advocating for her and ensuring she has what she needs can and should be a part of that life, but giving up your life for hers -- what kind of sense does that make?
Maybe instead of or in addition to therapy right now you ought to focus on talking to people who can help you get Mother placed in a good care center. At the same time, move forward making plans to support yourself in a more fulfilling way. You have not been freeloading! You've more than earned any reliance you've had on your mother's finances. But now it is time for Mom's care to be provided by professionals, freeing you up to plan and live your own life.
You can do this!
Get out now while you can. You won't be abandoning your mom. You'll still be in her life, a part of her care, but her care won't rest solely on your shoulders anymore.
Start your planning! You deserve....you NEED....your own life!
Do you know if your Mom had a brain bleed on that serious fall? My Mom [98] had a fall like that which placed her into long-term-care with accelerated dementia. One week she was pretty sharp for her age, the next week she didn't know where she was, couldn't walk or stand, and her memory a mess.
See if your Mom can qualify for Medicaid. Or if she can self-pay for awhile, then use medicaid to help pay for a continuing care facility. Like others above had mentioned, your Mom now need 3 full-time shifts of caregivers.
Note that 30-40% of in family caregivers who do all the work themselves pass leaving behind their love one. Then what? You need to get out into the world, find paid employment and start building up your retirement, while in the mean time meeting the right person.
Her instability (use of a walker) made her fall. After years of using a walker, her shoulders started to give out, so it was hard for her to hold onto the walker some times. She walked into the kitchen one day and fell backward and hit her head... ever since then, it was a fast decline.
Thanks all for your suggestions and your encouragement. It's what I needed to hear. I really will start working on this... I have to start living my life. Not to sound callous, but my mom has lived a full life. I hear stories of her life all the time... but me, I have no stories really. The only thing I get to say is that I took care of my mom... and even though I have people telling me that I'm such a good daughter, they have no idea how much I want to scream, how much I need help, how much I want to be free.
If your mother were young and healthier, she would want the same for you. She is so vulnerable, but as they say, you don't have to be the one to give her physical care. You can love her and ensure that she is well taken care of, and begin to find your own path.