Reading for thought.
So many of the posts here I think of in term of a set of books by a psychologist, one Susan Forward. Toxic Parents, In-laws. I would highly recommend reading these books. Very highly recommend.
So many here are caught in situations with completely toxic family dynamics. How many could just leave for their own health and sanity is unknown: however, there have to be limits and a line somewhere. It is one thing also to realize that other family members are toxic, almost lethally so. It is also another to have the courage to state (as one part of the serenity prayer) 'I cannot change this, I will not let myself be consumed by toxic relatives and the elderly who caused much of the toxicity, exonerate it, make excuses, abuse the one seemingly decent individual in the picture, etc. Take a step back and look at yourself: you probably are continuing the dynamic of 'why won't they like me, love me, accept me, why is what I do not sufficient.' All the actions, undeserved self criticism all because a sh**ty parent (or parents)is/are a piece of excrement. And the siblings are likewise: kissing butt gives them power. Many of these situations I think the poster is best off walking away even if it means living in a car, tent, etc. which I have done in the past to survive. The peace I had was the best reward.
some back story, some current events
I faced a long time ago (although my mom was only about 55 at the time) the decision to leave for my own health and sanity which was finally slipping under the barrage of 'moomies' range of problems. I have no idea what to label her actions other than to say it ranged from paranoia to uber-control of my life, passive-aggressive manipulation to get her own way or to get me to do what she wants. (Narcissist is the closest appellation). I walked out as i could definitely feel my sanity flying away. Best decision I ever made. It took a long while for the cobwebs to clear. The damage done by b....d parent was difficult to circumvent, overcome. I don't think I have ever ever completely become 'normal' or recovered. I still react the same as I did in my teens. I finally realized mom was a nasty, vicious, controlling, paranoid sob on wheels. The maddening aspect to this all is the fact that most of the time she behaved ok. My little stunt of leaving did more to take the gas out of her bag than anything else. What she did in response was unforgivable and I was unable to circumvent it. The b**ch took all the cats to the shelter (or so she said). The last time I spoke with her on the phone she said this with total pride and self satisfaction. Unfortunately, I wasn't recovered enough to tell her to go to hell or similar. Just remained silent so she did not get the satisfaction of a negative reaction.
I am back with now 92 year old mom and I think she has never forgotten that lesson I dealt her back in 1977, always at the back of her mind is the thought that I could walk out again. and let her deal with her own garbage. I also have gotten better at getting in her face and telling her where to go. Like the true coward she always was, she shrivels, shrinks, starts whining and crying, sniveling, and 'oh my heart, I can't take this.' Doesn't happen often but I have established the boundaries as far as that kind of behaviour. She doesn't dare. When I returned in 1998, I said something that displeased her and she got up and leaned across the table with her hand raised. Before 1977 I would have cowered back. THIS time, I looked her square in the eye and stated 'you hit me, and I'll hit you right back.' She sat back down, said nothing, and continued as if nothing had happened. First time I realized the power was now in my court. I just make sure it stays that way.
I don't abuse her, I just don't let her abuse me. anymore. ever.
Now, if I was more ambitious, more successful the fact remains is I would not be here at all. I would never have come back, she would have been left alone to cope as best she could. (She has sufficient income where she probably could be in a good facility somewhere.) I am sure some here would and do not like my attitude or behavior. Mom is taken care of as best I can, I do not let her engage in the past destructive behaviors (I tell her off or walk off). Works very well as it is now.
But again, read the 'Toxic' series. It may help shed light on other situations here.
Best of luck all. Sometimes thankless positions we're in.