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So many of you have been so helpful here, thank you! So many of you have taken the time to explain your situations so that I could relate and feel better. I can't thank you enough! I think about you guys, and I send you good wishes through the airwaves, not that it helps but I just wanted you to know that you're well thought of. I am so angry about some things, and one of the people here suggested that I come here to get angry and get it out. So that's what I'm doing here. I don't know that I could be of any help or anything else, and please excuse me because I don't have a question, this is just for me. I guess for selfish reasons I am writing it here instead of just writing it to myself where no one else can see it. I am so damn angry! I'm angry at everything and everybody! Things are nowhere near as bad for me as they are for everybody else here, but for some reason I just have to say this. I'm so angry that my amazing mother has been reduced to repetitive behaviors and frustration and sadness. I am so insanely angry with myself for not being able to remember that this is not her fault. So many of the things she says and does are similar to things that have been issues for us before. Now, however, she can't fix any of this and she can't understand it and I keep expecting things to be better like an idiot!! I don't like being stupid! I'm defensive about it, and I think my mother probably said something when I was a kid like I could do better because I was smart or whatever because it's such a big issue with me. She has an oppositional style of conversation or communication, and that's something that I had to work on myself to correct so that I didn't do that as much to other people. I'm trying to be more assertive and less passive aggressive, but she can't improve, she doesn't even understand it, and, I'm just so upset. Thank you for letting me get that out and giving me a place to do it and for suggesting it. I hope I have haven't bothered anybody.

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My apology for the name changes. If I log out I cant get back in, have to sign in all over again. No way can i give up this forum and contact with you wonderful good people so easy.
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joanne27, your post is very touching and real especially the part where you mention your amazing mother. That's how I felt when I first noted my mother was deteriorating. Regardless of our relationship issues. It hurt and I cried... alot.

Golden put it in a nutshell. And Carla, you were right on point with realizing we dont have control.

Joanne you have come to the right place, so vent on and on. It has saved my sanity and brokeness to be able to expresss myself openly and not feel foolish or selfish.

There is a great wealth of info coming from some awesome folk as you have seen. Each one reaching out to help and support. you reach out and someone is there. I
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joanne27, this has been really tough work. Just think about it, if we went to an employment agency would we take a job being a caregiver? Nope, never, nada.

So here we are, being a caregiver with no job experience, no pay, no employment benefits, and everyone expects us to be Mary Poppins... Hazel... June Cleaver... Dr Quinn Medicine Woman... Dr. Joyce Brothers..., a member of CSI.... and Supernanny.

I know there were times when I wanted to go running screaming into the night.
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Joanne - I feel for you. Caregiving for a parent can stir up a witches' brew of toxic emotions - anger, resentment, guilt, frustration, loneliness, despair, you name it! Whatever relationship issues existed in the past can be magnified by the parent's aging process and their dependency. You're not the only one who gets upset with their parent for things that they know the parent can't really help. We've probably all done it at some time or another. And the truth is, it's probably impossible to know for sure what they could do differently if they tried and what is truly beyond their capacity to change or understand.

Nobody likes to have their life taken out of their control. This goes for you as well as her. It's her illness and disability, but you are as much a hostage to it as she is. You can't walk away any more than she can. And that's especially infuriating because you still have a life to live.

Feel free to vent if it helps. You need to do whatever you can do to make yourself feel better. And please, have some compassion for yourself. You're in an awful situation. It's natural to be angry. And you're not alone, even if it feels like it. You have support here. We're on your side. Be good to yourself, please.
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This is definitely a good place to vent and it's good to be able to get feedback too. It's ok to be pissed off.few people in our shoes understand just being flat out pissed off.

I'm pissed off at the world for totally destroying my life. Oh sure, I'm alive as others tell me. But the two people that my life revolved around are not available to be. So I'm basically alone and so damn angry over what has become. I'd rather stay alone than be with others smiling over their perfect lives. Believe me, I feel you.
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You need to step back, temporarily isolate yourself from the whole situation, and regain your perspective. You have a good sense of analysis and see the situation for what it is, now treat yourself to some respite for your own welfare. Even if you don't do anything except listen to music, read, walk, watch good tv (not politics, obviously!), put some distance between the issues and yourself so you can approach it from a fresh perspective.

If it's any consolation, I suspect that caregivers of those with cancer, muscle degenerative issues, other aging relates issues are facing similar challenges. If you can find a support group, that also could help.

And, you're not alone. Aging well is a challenge for anyone.

Right now, just treat yourself to some activity that isn't age or care related.
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Big ((((((((hugs))))))). One of the purposes of this site is to vent, so vent away. I hope you feel better for getting it out, Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs on the planet in my view, As you mentioned, it brings up things from the past that challenged us then and do again. We grieve seeing our loved one lose who they were and turn into someone else and we have trouble adapting to that. We are hard on ourselves when we cannot make it better, or even do as good a job as we think we should. You care and you are doing the best you can in a very difficult situation. Please in all of this do some good things for yourself and don't let the caregiving and changing relationship with your mum define who you are. Learn to detach a bit and care for you too - and come back and vent any time!
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