A rant, not a question.

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I have written before about my Narcissistic mom and her manipulation. She is in Palliative care now at home. She is being taken care of by myself and a caregiver who has been with our family for years. I have had to cancel visits to my grandchildren who live out of state. Recently, mom called me and ask that I not travel because "she had a feeling". Again my trip is canceled. Spoke today to her about it and told her I will not be going. I also explained that I will be missing my grandchilds graduation for pre-school to kindergarten. "well you will have plenty of time to spend with them but not with me". Again, I fell for it.


So, if your mom died while you were on a trip, how would you feel?

My brothers and I have this thing. Whenever each of us goes on vacation, we call the one who will be "on duty". " So, what do you do if omg dies while I'm away?". " Keep her on ice til you get back".

It keeps us all sane. Re-book your trip.

I may get pelted with cyber-rocks here but I gotta say I agree with your mom up to a point.

Graduation from preschool to kindergarten- seriously? Chances are as they get older they'll never even remember the occasion. On the other hand you would remember. Maybe I'm a cold-hearted b*tch but I truely don't get the point of watch a bunch of four year olds participating in a ceremony they don't understand and will likely that about 15 minutes. This verses spending time with a dying parent.

I do get the whole picture of a manipulative, self-centered, narcissistic parent - and the importance of having boundaries and drawing a line in the sand. My mom was very much the same. I just think that perhaps the value of a preschool graduation is not the issue but yet once again being expected to change your plans, your needs, your life is what's really at the heart of this. And I totally get that and feel for you.
Not that I have to explain. I have been more then here for her and it has always been her first. Just once before she goes looking for a non narcissistic action. I am entitled.
I agree about Preschool graduations, Rainmom.

What I'm getting at is that I've got a whole bunch of older than I am friends who tell me how much they regret how much time they didn't spend with their grandchildren while they were young, because they were fussing over nonessential stuff having to do with elderly parents.

My brother often reminds me that we are powerless to change the trajectory of my mom's dementia and other physical ills, any of which can carry her off at any time. We spend quality time with her and know each visit might be the last.

But we don't miss important events in our kids and grandkids lives and we don't neglect our marriages, our jobs or our healthcare.
Ms, if your mom is a narc, she's not going to change her stripes now.
So true BarbBrooklyn.   
If it's not too late, pack a bag and get going. You know there's no changing your mother - but you can change you.
If you know that she is manipulative, then I would already be prepared with an answer if she tries to control what you do. Granted, if a family member is really ill, I wouldn't leave them for a pre-school graduation, but, if she's not imminently ill, I'd continue with my plan. However, if you are the kind of person who is guilt ridden for absolutely no reason, then, it's probably better to not leave. There are a lot of people who post here about incredible guilt, no matter how dutiful they are. So, it's hard to make the right decision in that case.

The above was my rant of 1 month ago. Yes, it helped me getting those feelings out there. Looking back it was not important. Mom passed on June 7th, 1 month shy of her 99th birthday. Something about being helpless when your mom is struggling to breathe. Hang in there, ask for help, make memories and have no regrets.
I just saw your post about the loss of your mother. I'm sorry for your loss. Your words are wise. Life is too short and even at age 98, it seems as if it's not long enough. Thanks for the update.

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