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I know this is specific to caregivers, but what I am about to ask is more understood this way I apologize if this offends it's not meant to be that way. My sister and I are caring for my grandmother, but she's played favorites for years and I am the one she picks on. I told her is she aware of how unfair it is for me to not have a break from taking care of her and she said these two things which made me see she could careless about my burning out "You'll have a break when I am dead" and "If you want to live longer you'll be nice to me". Now she's always been a verbally abrasive an abusive person, but since my grandfather and mother have passed away she's gotten way nastier to people because it's not because she's old when she does not get her way she is verbally abusive to others and even more she'll use religious rhetoric to guilt trip and manipulate. My grandmother is also physically abusive and was this way when I was growing up and now that I am an adult she's tried to stab me and even punching me and hitting me with her cane. I still remember getting hit so hard with one of my grandfathers belts leaving painful welts on my legs that sometimes bled. Now that I am in my early 40s I get people who say I should overlook the abuse and attribute it to her being old when the abuse has been happening for years since I was a child and has gotten worse since I was older. My grandmother actually told me to forget about having children and getting married since nobody wants to marry an old maid. How do you go about maintaining your sanity listening to this kind of nonsense. I also noticed that in the community people turn a blind eye to abuse and mistreatment especially if it's seniors who are the abusers and people just sweep it under the rug saying they're just old when age has nothing to do with abusing people because you're a selfish and self centered jerk. People don't take me seriously when I say I am burning out and to them I am just a lazy, and no good person when I go to work as a caregiver and I have been cursed out and called racial slurs and then I have to come home to the same mess too. Some people have no idea as to how this job can take its toll on you mentally, physically, and financially.

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Wow, and I thought I had it bad. Please get out. You deserve better. Speak your mind and if they don't like it too bad.
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QueenB1 it is easier said than done. If you were able to walk away, I'm sure you would have done it long ago. Losing your mother plays a role in your desire to stay and make a difference.
I agree with CarlaCB. I must set boundaries. And you MUST realize that you hold the power. Make it a practice to walk away. Call 911 if a knife is pulled or she physically abuses you. You don't have to press charges, but letting her know there is a new Queen B in town will go a long way to ending the abuse.
My mother used to try the verbal abuse and bible stuff on me, but I flipped the script. To statements of "...when she's dead and gone." I would ask her if she wanted today to be the day. To the bible bashing, well there is enough in there to bash both ways. Usually I would just respond with, "you are supposed to be a church mother" or my favorite is the scripture that says it is better to dwell on the rooftop than with a complaining woman.
You must realize that if you are not happy and at peace, it will be difficult to do a good job at work or home. Another line I use is from the Hulk, "...don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry". I had to set boundaries and make it clear I was not going to be abused. Over time things changed for the better.
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It sounds like your grandmother has been mentally ill your entire life! You did nothing to cause her to be this way! She is blessed that you have stuck around to help her amid her continued abuse. Sweetie, dont get me wrong, I am a Christian and believe in caring for family, but you need to love yourself. If your grandmother was your spouse, everyone would tell you to leave. Some may take offense, but I say start making a okan for her care and most importantly YOURS! You deserve to be happy and healthy and peaceful. Your grandmother has chosen to be a bully, but you dont have to continue to be her punching bag. I don't know you, but I am praying for you to break free and live the good life your Heavenly Father wants for you. He cherishes you and loves you!
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Get out,,take care of you. No one deserves abuse.
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Yake
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Listen to Garden Artist, the voice of calm reasoning.
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The attitude and physical demeanor of a long time victim of abuse is readily apparent, imo, especially to abusers who seek you out as their victim.
Without therapy and help, you may leave the abusive circumstances and jump into any relationship that has all the signs and red flags of another abuser who has found you.

On your way out to see your therapist, and leave forever, stand up straight, wash your face, put on a confident smile, and slam the door shut behind you.

If your day job is as an abused caregiver, get another career, even if you have to flip hamburgers.

You can do it, and leave any guilt behind. As for your sister, save yourself first, clue her in and maybe save a room or couch for her in your new place.

Now, shoulders back, head held high, no regrets-you did not fail.
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As others have said, step away from your caregiving role, but continue to be there for your sister, as soon, the tides may change and she will begin to abuse her! It sounds as if your Grandmother has Narcissistic tendencies as well as being physically abusive, as she is attempting to control you by using F.O.G, Fear, Obligation and Guilt! Just a break from her will not solve your problems in the long haul, you need to have a very frank conversation with your sister, and tell her why you need to step away from GM! She may need additional help from others, but she may also be feeling the exact same way. Perhaps you both need to step away, if only to save your sisterly relationship, which to me, is more important! But maybe that's just me, as I Love and need my sisters!
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How can I put it?

I know.

Your grandmother is really horrible to you. Why not leave her care in the hands of her favoured granddaughter, your sister, and go your own way? You owe nothing to a person who has been consistently abusive to you lifelong. And be sure of this: as long as you stay within range, you will continue to be her target. Step away.
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I agree with everyone who answered. Your situation is out of control, and by remaining in this situation, you are putting yourself in physical danger. Since you are the one who gets picked on and threatened, and abused, you are the one who needs to leave. Go as far away as possible. If you're out of the will, so be it. You cannot help this situation and to remain in it is punishing yourself. Get up your courage and say good-bye. Easier said than done, I understand. But your life depends on it.
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You don't have to take care of her. You believe you have to, but you don't. If you decide to continue taking care of her, you can and should set boundaries. Tell her that you will do what she's asking when she asks nicely. Walk away when she becomes nasty and tell her you'll return when she apologizes. She thinks she has the power here but she's dead wrong. You have it. You have the power to determine whether you will take care of her or not, and if so, exactly what you will and will not do. You may need to make that clear to her to end the abuse.

You are looking to her for empathy and understanding, but you're not getting it. Don't count on ever getting it. Decide for yourself what you're willing to do and not do, what you're willing to accept or not, and carry on accordingly.

And don't, I mean don't, give up your chances at happiness for someone who treats you so poorly and who shows so little appreciation. If you do, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
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Your statement "How do you go about maintaining your sanity listening to this kind of nonsense" is indicative of an ingrained approach.

First, it isn't nonsense. It's abuse, and the physical abuse is grounds for criminal charges. Second, you can't maintain your sanity and most certainly not your self respect in this situation. You need to get out of it.

You plan a life for yourself, you take action, leave and don't look back. If you have any legal obligation such as proxy pursuant to a DPOA/POA or Living Will, relinquish those responsibilities in writing and move on.

You must be in your 40's or so? You've had enough poor and abusive treatment.

If you need support and encouragement, find a group for battered women.

What are your skills? What have you done when you were working? If you need refresher courses, or need to pursue a different career, speak with financial aid reps at local community colleges to see if you can get tuition support or grants.

I haven't been in this situation, so it's easy for me to tell you to move on. It's much harder when you've grown up with abuse, and may even believe it's a normal way of life. It's not.

That's one of the reasons it would help to find support through a battered women's group, so you learn to recognize that your grandmother is abusive and isn't going to change, and that you need to remove yourself from the situation.
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So sorry that you are going through this yes in our community we believe in honoring our parents and elders. But you do not have to take the abuse!!! You should look into some adult daycare for her!!! Being a caregiver myself I know how easy it is get burned out! And when she speak mean and nasty to you tell her that you don't have to care for her but you choose to because you love her!
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