Last night I read someone's question that asked if they were the only one who wished their Mom would just die.

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No they're not; It may sound cruel or blunt but when you've watched your elderly parents suffer for so long, that's a different story. My dad is 82, not really sick, lives alone, still pretty much independent-driving too, which makes me nervous- I do whatever for him, although he has other kids, he always calls me, and he wouldn't have it any other way. My mom is 78, I call her Ninny Nitpicker. She's diabetic, has congestive heart failure, gout, high blood pressure, arthritis, on several medications, has a UTI she can't get rid of, and losing her mind, etc. I'm 33, a single mother of very active 9yr old twin girls, and a 6 month old son who is teething and trying to walk. After one of my mother's many visits to the hospital, and spending some time at her sisters', she decided she wanted to be home. After her 1st night home, I went to check on her and haven't left. In a couple weeks, it will be 3 months, that my kids & I have sacrificed our beds to stay with my mom in her 1 bdrm apt. I have great girls, they don't really complain- grandma has cable, we don't, and they love their grandma to death, though she is driving them crazy too. I've made it as comfortable as possible; there's just enough space for the blow-up I sleep on with the baby, and the girls sleep on the couches. I'm not up for trying to put her in a nursing home, though I am wrapping my brain around the fact that it may come to that; but I need a house to put us all in and I finish taking care of her the best I can, I'm not even rich, but I am looking; technically right now I have no income, although I've taken over my mother's money to take care of her bills, which I pick and choose whose the most important to get paid. She's forgotten about all the unnecessary crap she's bought from HSN, QVC, & ShopNBC that she's barely ever touched, used, looked at, some of it still wrapped up. She's been bankrupt before, and I guess after awhile she decided she would rather die in debt. I'm not paying for this shit; the collectors can call and call till the cows come home, they'll just be calling. I doubt any of her other kids will be chipping in on her debt after death either; yes my mom has other kids also; all of my sibs are my half sibs on both sides. I'm the baby, the one that can always be caught a hold of the most and more flexible with my time throughout my own somewhat busy life. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing it myself, but I make sure I pray, try to make it to church, watch church on tv if I have to; God helps me hold it together; He knows I love a challenge and this is my biggest one yet; Honor thy mother and father, which is the 1st command with a promise that it may go well with you all the days of your life. Yes honor thy mother and father even if they make it hard. I've never really been that close to my parents, though they've always been there for me even throughout my mistakes, but it's always come with the price of a little bit of me. My parents have done a great job of teaching me what I don't want to be, ADD- Alone, Depressed, & Depressing. I do have the open mind to realize that the way they are isn't totally their fault, but it's supposed to be up to you as an individual to spin that in the positive direction; they tried, but not hard enough. Have you ever wished your parents would've gave you away? Try that on for size. It's like watching them race to see whose going to stop 1st, they've already slowed down, my mom a little more than my dad. Some days my mom just looks like death, at times throughout the day. The kids cheer her up, along with phone calls, and visits, she always wants to pick up/hold the baby which is way more than what she's supposed to handle, then she goes back into "decrepit old woman" mode. Some of us think she's been having panic attacks. She has a 911 habit she wants to go to the hospital. It doesn't even matter if she takes her meds & insulin for the day, it doesn't change her feeling so bad all the time. It's awhile between wash-ups. Thank God she not a stinky woman; but I know she's not up to it even if I were to help her. She's been making me want to change my name. Yes I'm ready for it to be over. No more moaning/groaning, no more nagging/nitpicking, no more craving sugar she's not supposed to have, no more meds, no more shots, no more oxygen machine, no more struggle to breathe, no more 50,000 unimportant questions, no more looking like death/despair half the time, just no more. I can let her go. Back to my life. God Bless.


I understand. I remember when my mom had cancer. She was in so much pain all I could think about was to have her stop being in pain. Then I would remember all the good times we had. We were not really close but she still was mom. She has been gone now 25 years & I still miss her. Just remember this will pass & she will go to the Lord but while you have her try to be with her. I know it is not easy. I took care of my dad when my older siblings were not there. I almost lost my marriage because of it. Thank God my husband was strong enough to handle all the crap that was in our lives at the time. I remember that being around dad was hard as well he had Alzheimer's. But then again there were the times that he was all there and I was his little girl again. Try and I do me try to love the time you have with them because it does go away and then the guilt starts with some things & the sorrow of them being gone sets it. Dad has been gone 13 years this April. My parents never got to meet my two young kids and my oldest was 5 when my mom died and 15 when my dad died. Hang in there you are not alone.
Hang in there. I know exactly what you mean.

Honoring our parents doesn't mean taking options off the table that might be smart choices for them and us. Reach out to your local county/state agency on aging to be connected with resources. Also if you/mom went to church, reach out to them too. Sometimes there's respite help from surprising places.

It doesn't start with what *you* can afford. There is financial help out there but you have to fill out the paperwork about mom's finances to get it.

I would also say tour area senior housing to see for yourself what the options are. 15-20 years ago there weren't nearly the choices we have now. If it were up to my mom, she'd still be squatting in her filthy hoarder house, eating rotten food, screaming at me over the phone, not taking her meds, sitting in the dark watching Jimmy Swaggart because she was 100% against moving anywhere - ever. She believes that nursing homes exist to kill off old people and that's all. I didn't wait for her views to change because they won't. Her situation was pretty dire.

Today, I have her in a clean beautiful modern senior apartment where there's a nurse on duty, a life link around her neck, a dining room steps away, and an
"I'm OK" line to call every day. If she didn't call in, somebody would come up there and check on her in person. Her meds are laid out for her by a nurse. She isn't able to squander money on stuff. She doesn't have to sit in filth anymore. She is safe.

She also gets to have her own space, and we get to have our space. Some families work better when everyone isn't sitting on each others' laps 24/7. Ours is one of those. She lived with us almost 4 weeks, and all of us were suicidal by the end of it. It would have ended my marriage and it would have done horrible things to my kids to continue on that way. I didn't want that for our family, so she just could not stay with us anymore.

Yes, she wants me sitting at her knee, waiting for instructions and demands, but I have to support my family, pay the mortgage & bills, & I can't abandon my other responsibilities for just her indefinitely. I'm not saying that would be right for everybody, but it's what's right for us. That means I can't do 100% of the caregiving 100% of the time. She behaves better for other people in medical clothes than for me anyway. Things that are a knock-down-drag-out struggle to the death with me are no big deal when the doctor/nurse says so.

If she's having a down day (meaning being toxic as sludge and mean as a snake) it can happen in her apartment and not affect my kids, my husband, or me. She can't function in a happy family, so she needs to be where her negative views and hatred can't ruin our lives.

This is all to say that there are services and help out there who can alleviate the pressure on you and help restore your family back to a better normal, so you & the kids can have a healthy atmosphere to live in and thrive. Look around this site for the helpful links, and what the other people who are in that trench right now can tell you. Sometimes it helps just to know there are choices and you aren't boxed in. Good luck and keep in touch on how it's going!
Five people in a one bedroom apartment won't last long. You need to move on.
Honoring your father and mother means helping them get the help they need, not putting their needs over those of yourself and family. Your kids deserve the best mom you can be. It's time to find out what Medicare / Medicaid your mom is eligible for and find other alternatives for her care. You can't keep this up and you don't have too. Get her into a place that can give her proper care, then you and the kids can visit and enjoy spending time with her.
So, you're a very active woman of 33 with three children. And no income. You've decided to take care of mom. How do you support yourself and your kids? You say you have no income; right now, it would appear that your mom is paying for the roof over the heads of your family and the food they eat.

That one-bedroom apartment certainly isn't adequate. In fact, I'd dare say that DFS would say it's completely INadequate for your children. Five people in a one-bedroom apartment is crazy. Can your mom afford a bigger apartment? That might be a start. Can you look at your caring for mom as your job for the time being?

Ask yourself why you're caring for your mom. Out of obligation? Out of love? Are you doing a good job? Making sure she gets her meds on schedule? Trying to make her day a little brighter? Making sure she eats right? If you can answer, "Out of love...yes...yes...yes...and yes..." then remember that care giving is a selfless job that sometimes overwhelms us.

If you can't answer those questions that way, then ask yourself why you're there. Medicaid will find a place for mom where she'll get everything except the love part. And kind, smiling faces - watching out for mom - are sometimes more IMPORTANT than love. AND you can still provide the LOVE by bringing your lil' self and your children to see her twice a week.

Ask yourself: "Why have I brought my three children to live in this one-bedroom apartment with mom?" When you honestly answer that question, you'll be on the road to answers as to what to do next.
I'm happy I have my mom alive and well. But when my husband 41 at the time was diagnosed with Cancer I wanted to die...I had twins also they were 11 yes got to a moment that I talked in my prayers "if he is not going to get better please just take him away".... I felt like a bad and evil person..he was suffering. .he was a young smart athletic man being consumed by this terrible illness. I spent all my time at the hospital only went home to shower and change clothes and go back...I was drained...I was in GO mode like a robot. So I do understand on that part.
Yes. My mom is physically healthy, mentally up and down, 91. She is just existing. She has money and her health, her home. Won't go out, won't call anyone, won't socialize, won't accept any help, won't take calls from anyone but me -- won't live. Just exists. She is a widow of 5 yrs and lonely. She wishes she could just die and be with dAd and I wish she could to.

I worry about her, feel guilty that she is lonely but I've tried everything short of moving in with her --never will happen. She refuses to move.

She is mean and manipulative most times. She lies about having to go to hospital, have surgery, seeing a doctor, etc. hoping to guilt me into rushing home to care for her or call her daily to see how she is. She tells me no one visits or calls her, then I find out my niece has visited or called her (and no, that isn't dementia...she is just trying to get me to feel sorry for her). This has been a pattern all my life but I didn't have to face it when dad was around.

I can't wait for it to end. I love her, but she doesn't want to live and the guilt wears on me everyday, saps my own happiness and Makes me feel guilty to take vacation or get away on a wked with friends when I feel I should go see her.
I feel all of your pain. I thought I was alone and feel bad for having the same thoughts.... wishing she would pass so I wouldn't have to hear the complaining, insulting and mean comments and nitpicking. She constantly complains about everything and everyone is bad and wrong. She is hateful and angry because she is getting old and her health is declining. She went down hill after my dad passed away about 4 yrs ago. She had to come live with me and there has not been any peace since. I dread the weekends because I don't want to be home. You cannot have any conversation with her because she turns everything in to an argument and complains about things that happened over 40 years ago. Everything is negative. I don't go anywhere or do anything for myself because I get the guilt trip from her even though she doesn't want to go anywhere. She does not have a relationship with her sister because of a fight with her and she is starting to turn off her other sister. The neighbors don't want to talk to her anymore, it's obvious. They don't even sit on their porch anymore. I don't know what to do. I have no family in the area and my brother chooses to block all of this out. He lives out of town and doesn't even like me venting to him. I feel alone and feel like I may need to suggest she goes to a nursing home because it is effecting my mental and physical health. Any advice in coping would be appreciated. I am a single mom, with two teenagers, working a stressful, demanding full time job and have to deal with this negativity and hate. I don't know what to do....
Health issues are hard enough to deal with but mental decline is the worst. My mother has been in a wonderful NH for 2 years -88, parkinsons for 15 years, many strokes and dementia for a number of years. After a broken hip and two more strokes she's pretty much bedridden, unable to sit up or stand.

Yep, like so many of the "Mommie Dearests", she's been a cruel, mean, manipulative and generally evil narcissist life long. Nothing is or ever has been good enough for her, always striving for "pie in the sky", for the magical nirvana that's out there if only she can reach it and be happy. Of course she's never been happy with anything her whole life and everyone else is to blame I am an only child, only family and have had POA for a number of years.

Since going into the NH when I could no longer care for her alone 24/7 she's been on a rampage. I put her in "this prison" - it's a really lovely place with wonderful staff - I sold her house out from under her, blah, blah, blah and she must get back to her former city 100 miles away where there are NHs like a resort with exquisite accommodations, meals cooked to order, room service, hot and cold running servants 24/7 and so on. Of course such a thing only exists in the movies. In her demented mind if only she could get back there she could choose, book a room and sail off into the sunset to a life of pampered luxury in a day or two. Totally impossible but she's obsessed with it.

She spends all day in bed plotting her escape from "Prison". If only she could get her hands on money or a credit card she could make her dream come true, right? When I visited this morning to see if she needed anything she said firstly that she was going to have her phone put back on (hasn't been able to even dial for months and got rid of it) and needed a credit card for it. Nope, the phone company installs and sends the bill. Secondly the NH admin had suggested she invoke (she meant revoke) the POA (with the thought of getting access to money of course) which I totally invest and preserve to pay for her care.

I asked her who would then run her errands and do her shopping. She replied "Pixie". Pixie lives with me and can't drive. Pixie is her CAT!

I met with the admin and NH director. Of course, as usual, it was the dementia, delusions of grandeur and her obsession. I have the option of having her formally declared mentally incompetent but that would be a last resort as she'd be aware of it and it would be the ultimate degradation. In the meantime we three will keep each other in the loop and document her ravings and delusions so there is a paper trail if needed.

She had another stroke four weeks ago and the hospital sent her back to the NH as there was nothing they could do for her. I met with the NH doctor recently who said there was nothing more anyone could do for her and it's just a matter of time. I sold my home and quit my career to care for her 24/7 for four hellish years. Six years have passed and she's still making my life totally miserable. Do I hope she dies? You bet I do. Maybe she'll find the happiness in the next life she could never find in this one and I'll finally be free. I've done all I can and then some. I have no regrets.
Thank you for your comment. And I am so sorry for your struggles. Sometimes you feel like you are the only person living like this. It's the weekend and I wish I was at work! As soon as I walk downstairs, it begins.....complaining, bickering, etc. I get no relaxation even on days off. She keeps saying she wish she just stayed in her house after my dad died. She could have just died there alone-- it would have been better. I will hear this and worse things all weekend. I try not to be near her or keep myself busy. I have shut off my feelings for her because I just can't stand the pain. She had noticed a change. I cannot continue to worry and stress about every little pain she has. For years, I would wake up at night when I would hear a movement wondering if she was okay and I think she wants that! That is why also she is so angry. I cannot worry day and night about what's going to happen. That is in God's hands. She doesn't complain to my brother who lives 8 hrs away and is no help, even emotionally to me. I don't even tell him anything anymore because he gives me no support. I could go on forever about my feelings and am just glad I have people who understand that read and write on this blog. One thing that I can also hope for is that when she passes, she will be happier in her next life.

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