Pressures from children.

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I am caregiver (lovingly) to my ninety five year old husband of twenty one years. He is a beautiful person and kindness itself, whereas my first marriage was full of physical abuse, infidelity and neglect. I bore eight children from that marriage and stayed because i had no recourse and i would not leave my children behind and flee. The marriage improved after my first husand stopped drinking and stayed at home.
I stayed with him for five weeks at the hosptal while he was slowly dying and saw to it that he had a fine funeral. Then I was left alone with just my two cats. The children ceased to visit me much.
Now i do not recognize the children I bore and loved more than life.
There are feuds amongst two of the girls and i have been horribly verbally abused by one daughter and one son. Then another daughter whom I thought was the peaceful one & I made my executor, (not my POA, nor do I have one.) has become very cold to me. Three years ago she and several of her siblings demanded i turn over my financial and spending accounts to her. She said she had to know where she stood since she would have to pay any debt I had is i ere to die. Then some of them demanded i give up our little car. They said I was a danger on the road.(not so.) On Memorial day I ran into a daughter who had been very unkind to me and she was decorating her father's grave for the first time. I have done it since he died in 1990. She was polite and so was I, but my youngest (executor) daughter was furiously cold to me and said since "you have let HER back in your life I AM DONE!" Finally, I told them all that I was putting a distance between me and them because i could not stand being pushed around like a child and being pulled into their fueds any longer.
Out of the blue last week, I heard from a law firm handling a sUit one of my daughters initiated "on my behalf" for the suffering I had from two surgeries employing a sling and one for mesh causing me years of pain after which I had surgery removing the mess. I told her laughingly at the time that I would see PCH arrive with balloons and a check befoe i would see money from the suit. She and my executor daughter had that added to their other feud and tormented me for three years about that.
Lo and behold I received a call from the attorney last week saying the suit will be settled by this year's end and that I should hire a financial planner. Right now my husbnd and I live an two small Social Security checks monthly.
I guess it is time that I look into making a ne Will and eliminating any executor and putting everything into an honest attorney/planner. I bought insurance for my funeral years ago so t. Most of them never come near me now except for the rare phone call and rarer visit so since all they do is fued and argue with what i do, I want them to go with God and let me get on with taking care of my dear husband for the while he has left.
Eveything I do is criticized. The executor daughter demanded that i turn over my records and is worried I will leave her with my debts to pay. She also gathered several of her siblings and demanded i give up my car since she and they said i was a danger on the road. Not so, and our car was a great comfort to us for small rides. Two years ago I was given a sweet ten year old Jack Russell terrier named Emily. My executor daughter hated me having the dog because it was given to me by a daughter with whom she has a mutual feud. Yesterday I finally gave my little Emily up because my inlaws sided with my daughter & said the dog was a burden to them because they had to chase her all the time. I bought a GPS system for Em and then got a thirty foot tether so i could let her out safely for an hour a day and that was torn from the ground. Then I started keeping her on a long leash while in the house because my husband poor soul would let her out if i was elsewhere in the house cleaning. I have wet macular degeneration which has started up again so i must travel 120 miles once again to have shots in my eye for the third time & have had painful tendinitis so I cannot walk or sleep well.Now my eldest son who lives in the deep south is coming to visit this week and we are to attend a shower for his youngest daughter who is due in August. Meanwhile my executor daughter is irate "because I spoke to he sister with whom she is mutually split" because out of the blue this daughter with whom I was estranged because she abused me and attacked me near and far telling There are all kinds of snide remarks about my eldest son I sense carpng and jealousy because he has done well for himself and is well to do while the rest of them here are not in the same tax bracket. Needless to say, I must attend the shower since that is my grand daughter and great grand child though I am brokenhearted & depressed beyond belief at the loss of my Emily and at the callous way most of my children treat me.My doctor wants to report them for elder abuse. Please someone advise.


"I bore eight children from that marriage and stayed because i had no recourse and i would not leave my children behind and flee. The marriage improved after my first husand stopped drinking and stayed at home."

i was raised in an alcoholic home. your kids are angry at you for subjecting them to this environment for countless years. you've created one heckuva mess, and rationalized everything as not being your fault. i would find a good preacher and have a heart to heart with him about how to fix this mess, before it's too late.
emmurr, I am so sorry that the child-rearing half of your life was so miserable. I rejoice that you now are married to a man with whom you have happiness. This all reminds me of stories from my Grandmother. My heart goes out to you, and also to your children, who had a very dysfunctional childhood (as did my father).

First, let's try to eliminate the blame. It was what it was. Move on. It could be that your children (or some of them) really do care about you more than you realize. A daughter who started a lawsuit on your behalf sounds thoughtful. Concern about whether you should drive is often (usually) motivated by genuine care. You can settle that one easily enough by voluntarily taking a driving test. When you pass everyone can relax. Asking you to turn over your finances could be motivated by concern or by greed. And, by the way, an executor is NOT responsible for paying debts out of his or her funds -- only out of the funds of the deceased.

I am glad you have a wonderful marriage. It would also be awesome if you could be reconciled with all/some of your "children" (who must now be in their 50s to 70s, right?) Start by removing all of them from roles of responsibility. Assign a lawyer as the executor. Get a financial adviser when you anticipate your legal settlement. Establish a POA outside of the 8 of them.

Tell them all you welcome calls and visits from them but that you will not listen to or be a party to the fights among themselves. They need to settle that themselves. Attend events you are invited to (like the shower) without regard to whose nose gets out of joint.

Their childhoods in a dysfunctional family were very hurtful. But they are all grown up now and responsible for their own lives. If any of them want you to participate in counseling with them, or want to talk to you about the past, do your past to do that for them. But your own present and future cannot be shackled by the unhappy past. You deserve peaceful last years.
You are repeating yourself. Memory loss is beginning. Talk to your doctor about some medication for memory and depression.
Shaking the dust off, you know whereof you speak since you too were raised in an alcoholic home the same as my children. My mother died when i was eight and my father was an alcoholic and absentee dad, but that does not give me a pass when it comes to my children's chaotic home life . Your message was short but forthright. Thanks. emmur
Thank you Pam. The depression is being addressed but so far I am assured that I am not "losing the old marbles," but your insights are appreciated and I send blessings to you and yours. emmur

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