At wits end, I feel helpless to help my mother. Seeking advice for power of attorney problems.

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But the POA holds all the cards. I am treated like the next door neighbor. According to the POA I have no rights regarding my mother. I talked to mom today on the phone. She is in a NH a long ways away. Mom was having an altercation with the aides. They are respectful to her and nice to her, I haven't seen anything even near abuse. She was fighting with them. Calling them b*tch, saying she was going to sue them, yelling at them, cursing at them. etc. They wanted her to put on clean clothes for the day. They left the phone on the shelf and I could hear the whole conversation. When she was in her own home, she cursed at me, now its the nurses etc. I have begged the POA to have the doc put her on some medication to soothe her, calm her down. The POA says no, period. NO. I really hate to see my beloved mother going through such a bad time in her remaining years. Couldn't her life be enhanced by some meds? But the POA still says no and gives no explanation as to why mom can't be sedated a little bit. POA will not discuss this with me at all. When she does email me, POA is full of fury and vicious emails and vile things to say. I feel that the POA isn't doing a good enough job as POA. Maybe I should talk again to my lawyer.
If I rock the boat too much then POA will make it so that I cannot see my mother.
That is problem number 1. Problem number 2 is that POA tries to run my life outside of my mother. She has forbidden me to go to my AA meetings, b/c it would look bad. And she tries to run my life in other ways as well.
Problem number three is that my husband has dementia as well and likes to argue. My new doctor asked if I had any stresses in my life. No, not much, yeah right.


Join your local Caregiver's Support Group, you will find lots of people there and trained professionals too, who all can help you with these problems! The group I belong to is actually ran by our Local Catholic Church, and they have helped me tremendously. Not only helped me, but also my Mom. Mom is doing better thanks to them! They have contacts with all sorts of professionals that can help you.
1. Does this POA have MEDICAL power of attorney, also called health care proxy? If not, why is she making medical decisions? She certainly doesn't have guardianship, so she cannot control her mother's person -- such as who can see her.
2. Ignore her. She can't run your life unless you let her. Go to your AA meetings. Do as you please in your life.
3. A spouse with dementia is extremely sad and extremely stressful. Maybe that has to be your focus for now.
Yes, POA has medical POA. She says she can control who sees Mom and everything mom does, etc. POA has put stop to our step sister seeing Mom. I might add that I am not well. DH wrecked our car with me in it and I have not been well since that day. Constant pain.
brandywine, fighting POA about some things might be worthwhile in other circumstances, but as it is, I think you need to leave your mother's care in your sister's hands. If mother made her the medical POA, then she is getting her wish. I agree with you about medications, but many people agree with your sister. It is just one set of beliefs against another set. Mom made a choice about who will make medical decisions for her, so in this case the POA's beliefs prevail.

Take care of yourself. Take care of your husband. That is more than enough for one person. Give yourself permission to continue to be kind to Mother, to send her cards and call her, but to release the burden of trying to care for her. That is not your responsibility now.

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