The "you owe your parents, it's a privilege to care for your parents", commentators!

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There seems to be a growing number of members joining AgingCare.com going to numerous posts with the exclusive intention of demeaning other members posts about cargiving problems with their parents. These holier than thou members think they have a due right to point out how bad these other members are because they are venting about caring for difficult elderly parents. Comments about it being a privilege, owing our parents and stop whining and complaining is totally unacceptable on this site. We members who come here to vent and look for support must stand up to these inconsiderate ignorant dogooders. Another group are the bible quoting "Honor thy father and mother" members. The imput from these members are useless and causes more harm than good. The only way to stop them is to make it known you will not tolerate their negative attacks. This site is for cargivers to be able to vent how they feel without fear of retaliation from other member's iignorant views. Freedom of expression for caregivers on this support site is vital for their physical and emotional wellbeing. So all caring members band together and stop these vipers from hurting those who need us.

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I have been a member here for over 3 years and have seen lots of good and some bad. People get helped and people get hurt. Most times it's due to misinterpretation of the written words. Sometimes it is just downright cruelty!
This is a great place to meet wonderful and knowledgeable people who are looking for comfort, friendship, and someone to listen to them and actually hear what they are saying. It's not a contest to see who comments the most or who gives the most hugs, or even who gives the best advice.
This is a place that all of us caregivers came upon in our quest to find understanding of what we were going through and answers to so many questions that we could not find anywhere else.
I have found many lifelong friends here and answers to so many questions from so many great caregivers from all over the world. I myself have lashed out a couple times when I felt someone was attacked for their comments. There have also been times when I felt it just wasn't worth making things worse by bringing attention to negativity towards someone.
We are all exhausted most of the time and overwhelmed all of the time, so it helps to reread any comments that we find offensive and try to put them into perspective and decide if they are worth drawing more attention too.
I too get my back up when told I will be rewarded for being such a good daughter. I don't feel like a very good daughter when I wish this was over, but I keep on doing this because it is right for me and Mom. That doesn't mean it's right for everyone. There is nothing wrong in recognizing that you cannot be a full time caregiver. I sure have learned that lesson after 5 years with Mom.
I think this site is the place to be and am grateful for everyone's help and comments that I read. Debralee, this was a great discussion you started and the answers all have merit.
There are lots of great people here and I am thankful for all the input, even the ones whose comments I don't agree with! that's what makes the world go round. As for positive caregiver comments, keep them coming! It's nice to know that there are some of you out there that truly love what you are doing! If the comment isn't to your liking, then move on and let it go. We all have enough stress to deal with, so lets not let the "in poor taste" comments get us down. Let's do what we all do best and that is support each other as best we can and keep this site going so that new caregivers have a place to come and vent and whine and learn!!!
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Oh, and Alwaysmyduty, I hope you stick around!! You are a valuable voice on here and, I think, that a big part of caregiving is what happens after the elder passes. I think once a caregiver always a caregiver- I think it changes you for life. (((hugs)))
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Trust me, oldcoldger2,I know what full time caregiving is. I know how hard it is. I get spit on, hit, punched and hair pulled almost daily. I wipe blood off walls and clean poop out of the sink on a regular basis. I have no friends; no social life and cry just about everyday lately. It is just not my Mom.
Yes, I realize one week with my Mom- though I have done many weekends as well, is not a true picture- that is why I like to come on hear and read about those of your who are full time caregivers- and about those of your who are full time caregivers but with an elder in a NH or AL. I need to make decisions , I need to know what is in store. So when I am reading and I see a positive story it cheers me up. And I appreciate all the posts that tell about the hard times as well- both are equally important. IMO. :0)
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I figure if a person needs or wants to post something on here, then they ought to be prepared for whatever answers come their way. Not all caregivers are created equal, and not all caregiving experiences are created equal. In my opinion, that's what makes this a wonderful place to shoot out ideas and problems, because everyone sees that problem from a different angle. You have to glean what you can from the answers that line up to your specific problem, and dismiss the rest. We're NOT mind readers after all, just trying to help. ♥
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equillot~I personally have not seen what you have posted to others. This is not directed at you personally. There is a rare few that post that it is a pleasure, a privilege, and our duty to Honor our Mother and Father because they brought us into this world,etc. I truly believe that this is their choice and belief,however, those who make comments that placing your parent in a community or snh is "throwing them away" is a cruel comment to make to someone when they know very little of the person's situation, their own health issues, some have lost their homes in order to keep a parent out of professional care. While this is their choice and I commend them for their devotion and commitment to their parents, it does not mean that it is the right choice for everyone else. To honor Thy Father and Thy Mother means something different to everyone. An example is that I believe I have Honored my Father and my Mother by living a good life, raising my children with traditions that honor my parents, being self sufficient...not relying on family members or the government for financial support except in extreme cases and learning from their mistake that brought them to that point so they don't repeat it. Then there are those who were raised in very abusive families. I am not talking about...Oh, we all got whacked with a spoon or belt. I am talking about parents who put their children in the middle of spousal fights, forcing them to choose which parent is right, and when the children do chose, they are severely punished for doing so. Parents that play head games, sexually abuse their children, tell their children they are useless, good for nothing, ugly, fat, and I don't know why I ever had you because you will never take care of me...if the only reason a person has children is so the children will take care of the parents is so totally selfish. There was a time when female children did care for their parents/husbands parents because women did not work, weren't allowed to work or need to work to help support their family. To those of you who are caregiving 24/7365, I commend you!! It all comes down to having compassion for what others are going through and not everyone can be a 24/7/365 caregiver, just as not everyone can be a good mother and father.Yes, we are all entitled to our beliefs and opinions but it does not give us the right to to make uncaring remarks to others. Religion and politics are hot topics so would you as a republican go to an event by yourself and shoot your mouth off to the democrats? If you are an atheist, would you go to a Christian service and stand up in front of the congregation stating your beliefs? When a site like this one has such a diverse mixture of people, how we WORD something is important. This site is for everyone and that means that while you may be a 24/7/365 caregiver not everyone else is and respect in how you word a post is needed. I post mostly on the Dysfunctional family thread and I have gotten where I include a disclaimer so that those who not agree with my philosophy don't get offended if it is their first time on that thread. It is a shame I should have to do that, but there are people who take offense without having any knowledge of a person's situation or they only want to promote what they believe. I hope that all of us on this site can continue to state or vent our issues and if someone points out to us that our thinking may need to be changed, that we have the integrity to search our own hearts, admit to ourselves and others that we still have some growing to do. Growth is good but if you don't evolve you are the one who is left behind. God Bless everyone and if you don't believe in God...consider it a blessing of good will!! Hugs to everyone
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A week is not very long - it is barely a taste of full time caregiving - the kind that goes on for years and years. If you and your mom have had some serious issues - well, those are very likely to resurface after the honeymoon is over.

I have at times felt that I was losing my mind and my health has taken a nose dive despite copious doses of vitamins, etc. My brother in law kept my MIL for 1 week and couldn't understand why it was so hard. After all, she is a sweetheart and they didn't have a bit of trouble.

It just happened to be one of her best weeks in months (in between her mini crises) and she is always on their best behavior for the 'rest of the family.' She came home though and had a small stroke. Who got to deal with that? Guess.

Wish we could go back 8 years and encourage my MIL to move to AL in the state where she lived in instead of moving here. I know I sound sour - but things have turned sour and it isn't all my fault. Caregiving is the hardest, most thankless job I have ever undertaken in my entire life and it has taken my health. There have been a few positive moments, moments when we laughed together - but those times are long gone now.

As noble as it is to care for another - and I tend to be a softie in this regard - when you are tired to the bone from it - we can all be grateful for a place like Agingcare - to hear us out and help us over the humps.
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equillot,
Personally I enjoy the positive posts. It helps me. I am here to learn what is in store with caregiving full time- if it was all negative than that could not be an accurate picture. I know from when I watched my Mom for a week it was hard but there were moments that were awesome. And this from a woman who said I was too fat to be bulimic- and then yelled at me for worrying my brother about it when he saw me throwing up and told her he was scared for me. (doesn't make sense-does it?) and then just ignored my bulimia for --well, forever- I finally got help on my own. So- yeah- there are times when I want to throw up my hands and scream at her- "You want me to take you in?!?! After ignoring my OCD and bulimia after,--- well, a whole bunch of sh*t- You want ME to take care of YOU?!?" And when the posters come on saying it is wrong to think this and that and you have to be thankful for everything it IS annoying BUT when a poster comes on and just simply tells of a joyous event or the love that is happening I don't find that annoying- I find that helpful!! I find inspiration in that and-hope. So I thank you, equillot, for sharing some positive stories! And I feel for all those who need to vent! I know that if I do take Mom on full time I will need to vent!!! I just hope that I can also come on here and share happy times as well.
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Jeepers, who would allude such a rotten thing - that you may have forgotten what it was like, doy, duh, what???? I hope that was a mistake or a miscommunication.
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I'd also like to make a gripe. Since joining AC, my mom has passed away. Someone eluded to the fact that just because a person doesn't currently care for their parent, they may have forgotten what it was like. Believe me, I haven't forgotten nor will I ever. I haven't forgotten the heartbreak of losing my dad either. The here and now activity doesn't mean we who have done this in the past can't help others or that we don't still get angry at caring for a narcissistic or vent about it. I thought this was a community for all. It'd be pretty sad to have to quit coming here once your duties are over.
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It is a rarity to go through the entire process of caregiving with nothing but warm cozy feelings emanating from BOTH parties all the time. It may start out that way - but as the losses mount up - *health gone *mobility gone * independence gone * mate gone * home gone - must now with in AL, NH or with family - well, then it can get rough and very often does. The MORE the elder loses the MORE we lose too. Then sometimes the 'sweetness' is lost as well and the elder replaces gratitude with derision, complaining, contrariness, etc. IT gets harder and harder as the end nears and that's the clincher! Guess how it ends?? We get to LOSE our parent - all the while facing our own mortality and doing it all without much help from our families. This doesn't add up to a POSITIVE experience. If you are having a positive experience - maybe things just haven't spiraled downward long enough. Sorry to be miss dreary here - but sometimes life stinks and old age is NOT PLEASANT.

I am happy for all of you out there who have a mother or father who validates you daily, has a sweet and kind disposition (and not just in front of you or company - but ALL the time - meaning it is genuine. Most of us do not have that. It may have begun that way - but it doesn't always end that way. And often we are just plain tired. Many have jobs and children still at home or their health isn't what it once was. Most of us are not young anymore. This isn't the way we envisioned our later years - by the time it is over - our life is about over too. Boy, I had better just give this up - I am depressing myself and I WAS having a decent day :-)

But, I think maybe you get the point. Not everything is sunshine and roses for MANY and this is their outlet - a place where they can come and 'complain' to a group who should be able to UNDERSTAND and just listen and validate them. I think that happens more often than not.

I do see some who are telling people to 'buck up' and 'stop whining' and 'if you feel guilty then it's YOUR FAULT.' Come on - give somebody a break. This is not way to encourage. If someone has changed someone's diaper 10 times in one day due to diarrhea - let them gripe away. Support them. What's so great about CRAP??? Sure, we love our parents - but let me tell you that adult poop IN NO WAY resembles baby poop!!! Been there - done that - and I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

I will shut up now. Hope everyone gets a GOOD day this week. :0)
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