The "you owe your parents, it's a privilege to care for your parents", commentators!

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There seems to be a growing number of members joining going to numerous posts with the exclusive intention of demeaning other members posts about cargiving problems with their parents. These holier than thou members think they have a due right to point out how bad these other members are because they are venting about caring for difficult elderly parents. Comments about it being a privilege, owing our parents and stop whining and complaining is totally unacceptable on this site. We members who come here to vent and look for support must stand up to these inconsiderate ignorant dogooders. Another group are the bible quoting "Honor thy father and mother" members. The imput from these members are useless and causes more harm than good. The only way to stop them is to make it known you will not tolerate their negative attacks. This site is for cargivers to be able to vent how they feel without fear of retaliation from other member's iignorant views. Freedom of expression for caregivers on this support site is vital for their physical and emotional wellbeing. So all caring members band together and stop these vipers from hurting those who need us.


unless your a forum moderator it isnt up to you to decide whats appropriate or not.
you seem to defend freedom of expression and censorship at the same time.
( vipers, insensitive , ignorant dogooders? ) thats the kind of venom i could do without..
I don't agree, Debralee. I personally feel that responsibilities are for parents to their children in each generation, and that care for parents is done out of love and not responsibility. There is no obligation.

I realize that others feel differently than I do. And I realize others are more religious than I am. In my life, I have often found myself to be wrong, so I don't feel that I have the right to silence what other people feel. I do wish, however, that opinions would be expressed without the bullying that I frequently see. To tell someone they ought to take care of a parent because they are obligated is bullying, especially when the person is vulnerable.

There is something else that I want to add. Many of us come from dysfunctional families. We have to be careful not to let our personal wounds cause us to abuse other people. I have seen quite a few threads now go down the wounded child route, even when it isn't even relevant.

I learned very much when I was in an Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families when I was in my 30s. There were women there who were twice my age and older, still stuck trying to deal with what happened to them when they were children. The most important thing I learned in the group is that I did not want to be these women. After we leave home we become responsible for nurturing ourselves and healing old wounds. Some people like myself stumble through it. I personally used to have some gratification in feeling angry and wronged. That sounds perverted, but it is true for me.

I was listening to Joel Osteen the other evening. He is considered a religious outcast by many, but he's actually a good motivational speaker who often hits a problem I have right on the head. I had been feeling angry because of some old childhood wounds that had been reopened. His advice was just to "get over it." I think it is the best advice any adult child from a dysfunctional family can hear. Anytime those wounds start hurting, we can't change the past. But we can take charge of ourselves and get over it. We can't let old wounds keep hurting our futures. That gives a lot of power to old abusers. So I am just going to tell myself to "get over it" anytime those wounds resurface.
We all come from different places - we all have different pasts, cultures, faiths, parents.

I have always been a person with a lot of 'empathy' - not sure why. I cry over other peoples sadness, illnesses, losses - you name it. I am a softie. BUT, I have also learned the hard way that we softies can be taken advantage of and we can be mistreated and we can be hurt and we have to rise above this and still do what needs to be done. And, yes, sometimes out of 'duty.'

But we do what we can do for as long as we can if if that day comes when we can't do it anymore - then let it go. It took me a long time to realize that I have done more for my MIL than any other person on this earth - including her children. Why? I wanted to. I cared for her and thought she cared for me. Things have changed with our relationship now - but I still 'care' for her - it is in my DNA to care, I guess. I just care for her now in a different way - in a way that protects ME and MY health and MY emotions and preserves MY LIFE.

We all should strive to 'understand' that NOT ALL SITUATIONS ARE CREATED EQUAL - and some of the folks on this forum have got it pretty darned rough at times. Some are caring for parents who don't care at all back - either on purpose or due to ALZ, etc. This isn't easy to do. Many never get a break - EVER. They barely have a life. Been there, done that during her multiple surgeries and recuperation's and therapies.

Who knows, maybe the 'do gooders' are just beginning their caregiving journey. The trip gets tougher as time goes one. They may be back here 'venting' some day. Give them as much space as we would have them give us.

Personally, I ignore posts that don't help a lot and figure they are coming from a different place in their journey.

So, PEACE TO ALL YOU CAREGIVERS OUT THERE - it isn't always easy and continue to feel free to vent here. I am soooooo grateful for finding this site. I come and go - depending on how things are going here and am grateful to feel welcome here. Blessings to you all - and I don't mean that in any sort of holier than thou way. :0)
Do you know how many times I have been verbally attacked for venting on this site! I use this site so I can express my frustrations in caregiving instead of at the person who is assuming I will be the most convenient for her care. Attempting to stop negative harrassment that causes emotional harm on posts is not censorship. As a matter of fact the Caregiver Forum Etiquette Rules state as such:
Don't use personal attacks, profanity, threats or offensive language. Keep it friendly and helpful!
How hard is it to use some common courtesy when commenting in this forum?
I am hoping that the moderators will 'monitor' these types of comments more. It is their jobs to do so, not ours. In the meantime - IGNORE those who have less than helpful answers and KNOW that most of us on this site come here for the SAME REASONS YOU DO - to vent 'appropriately' so that we can continue to care 'appropriately' for those who need our help without being so angry with them.

No one should EVER suggest to someone that they are deficient in some way just because there are days when we cannot cope with the insanity we live with very well and need to VENT. Everyone needs someone to talk to who understands. This is the place to find it. The vast majority of posts are kind and caring and I am grateful. Once in a while there's some that are less than helpful - but I figure these folks are just trying to be helpful in their own way and sometimes is 'misses the mark.' Take care and hoping you continue to find the help and care and kind folks who are the majority on this site.
DebraLee - there are trolls on every forum. Just as there are very opinionated but experienced persons on them (like moi! - yeah, I can almost hear the laughter from some of the regulars on this site). My goal is be helpful, to provide a reality based perspective to the maddening cluster of elder care.But I am a total potty mouth - If I've offended you, didn't mean too. With anonymous sites like this, you just kinda have to learn to roll with the good & the bad & the very loco. As someone posted earlier this month in describing another poster's mom...."one taco short of the combination plate". It was funny, clever & visual perfection but might be offensive to some. Like, why not 1 tamale short or 1 burrito short as taco-lovers could be offended. But that is why this site is so wonderful as we have the freedom to write this.

As the children or in-laws or family of elderly, we do the best we can. Not everybody is cut out to be a caregiver for their elders and nor should they be. I know I'm not. But I'm an advocate and representative for my elder. But do I owe my mom my time/my future, no, no way, absolutely not. Do I expect our kids to take care of, no way absolutely not. Am I glad this site is there, yes, yes absolutely. Just ignore the trolls.

OK, I apologize, too, for calling people names and criticizing those who criticize others. I apologize for still being pissed off by my family of origin. I have a wonderful husband and kids, cat, and unbelievable friends, and my kids always refer to me as their "Wonderful Mother."
I don't have to do much for my Mother anymore except visit her, pay her bills, and keep caregivers and hospice accountable to certain standards. I agree I need to "get over " the Past, enjoy the "Present " and do the best I can to support others IF I am going to participate on this forum.
I will also do my best to Ignore posts that annoy or antagonize me. It will involve much discipline and go against the grain of my personality, but if it helps to bring peace in a little corner of the world, I will shut up. Am I forgiven? xoxo
Debralee~I am sorry you have been attacked on this site. It is a shame because we come here for support, suggestions, to support others, give empathy and compassion. Everyone of us has our own beliefs, backgrounds and we all wear a different type of shoes, we should not heckle someone who makes choices different from what we would do, nor should we be slammed for venting our emotions since so many of us on this site are isolated and need someone to talk to about what we are feeling and going through. Some of us use humor, some are angry, some are in need of a compassionate word. I hope you continue to post here and that those who believe their way is the only way will learn to be respectful.
We just have to 'live' and 'let live' - some can't seem to just offer a listening ear - which is all most of us want. We just want someone to ACKNOWLEDGE us - APPRECIATE US - and say - Thanks, you are doing a good job under difficult circumstances. We all need to do that more often. We can all learn a lesson - even from BAD EXAMPLES! My own mom (long dead) would often say - 'you can learn good lessons from BAD EXAMPLES sweetie.' She was a pretty smart lady. I do miss her. Been gone now for 37 years.
I know that personally, my posts have been ALL OVER THE SPECTRUM - coming from frustration, anger, disappointment - and every emotion in between. As with everyone and everything - we are different people at different times under different circumstances. Sometime all I can do is VENT THROUGH TEARS, other times I can offer helpful and hopefully respectful encouragement. That's what caring is all about. Let's all care more, share more and judge less. None of us can walk in another's moccasins. Our SHOES may 'look similar' but they are not exactly the same as those of another - the fit is different, the color, the size and the road they travel.........................

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