Post nursing home day 10. Feelings.
Today I feel: Angry, Sad, Grouchy, Glad, Happy, Joyful, Loving, Miserable, Torn, Alone, Loved, Tired, Alive......
Everyday a little more of the stress comes off my shoulders and I relax a little.
Everyday I am grateful that I made it through the last year and half and that while my husband and my kids are a little worn out, my family is in tact.
Everyday for the past 10 days I've found my consideration is getting better and I'm not forgetting as many things.
Everyday I have these amazing realizations and amazing moments...and everyday I have down moments.
I really do not feel any guilt at all...but I am sad by the situation.
I went by the home on Saturday with my 4 year old to drop off some things...it didn't last more then 5 minutes because she was demanding I take her home and started being so nasty to me...so I had to walk out.
Tonight the nurse called and said that she thought it might help if I talked to mom...I told her I didn't think so because she is pretty mad right now...and that lasted 3 minutes.
I understand it and even to some extent expect it...no different then when she was here really.
Still it's hard to deal with and I honestly don't know that it will ever go away with her...at least until she forgets who I am...if she forgets who I am.
Is it wrong of me to hope she does? To hope that maybe at some point she will just be a little old lady that doesn't remember anything?
My kids are coming out of themselves and spending so much more time down stairs with us and talking to us and wanting to be here with us now....I had no idea what Mom had really done to them.
So we are on a healing path.
Anyhow...I'm just rambling, but I suspect there a lot of people that understand it here. :)