Planning for ourselves.

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Great discussion by susie15 about an elder who refused to get out of bed- kind of got off track. What I wonder about daily is how we can plan for ourselves so our children don't have to deal with this nonsense. I have recently been on a tear getting MY paperwork in order. Making a trust, DNR, power of attorney , laying out my burial request and having that discussion with my son. I am 60, but have been put though the wringer and continue to live with difficult elders daily. I don't want to be "THAT" parent to my kids and DIL. So any other thoughts how to make this better for the next generation??


Have a discussion with your children now about what you want. I have had it with my three daughters. Plans are once we cannot take care of our house, we sell and move into AL. But it has to be one that has activities, trips, etc. I just do not expect my daughters to take care of me. They have their own families. Having had my mother live with me for 25 years, I just want to be alone with my husband. With Mom in AL, we are finally able to do whatever we want.
I know what you mean, 1tired....being in a caregiving situation certainly brings our own affairs into sharp focus. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I'm only 43 and have lost 3 of my high school classmates already (although one was to suicide) - it just makes you realize that things can happen faster than you think.

I'm trying to get everything in order, but it will probably take me 3 years to get all debts paid off and a decent life insurance policy in place (given that most of them have a 2-yr wait before they pay full benefits) and all arrangements made. I've already told my daughter I don't want her or her brothers taking care of me the way I'm taking care of my mother. It's not fair, and I refuse to be that kind of burden to them. When I see myself needing help, I will never be as prideful as my mother and refuse to obtain the help I need, and when the time comes, if the doctor says I need to go to a nursing home, then I will go. I refuse to put my children through what I'm going through. I am relatively new to caregiving and will probably be in this situation for at least another 10-15 years before either something happens to Mom or she has to go into an NH. I refuse to take that much of my kids' lives away - because that's what caregiving does. I love my mother, don't get me wrong, and I'm glad I'm here for her - but I had to give up everything in order to do it, and I was on the verge of finally getting all my kids out of the nest....only to have to turn right around and start caring for Mom. I never, ever have had a time where I was just a single woman living alone, and it makes me kind of mad sometimes. (Yes, it's my choice to be here, but it wasn't exactly a free choice - no one else would do it, so I can still be mad about it, right?)
Last month I put together a large bright red notebook and inside I put together a whole bunch of questions to be answered regard the rest of our lives.... I gave one notebook to my parents to fill out, one for myself, and one for my significant other.

One section has to do with stock.... another section with Legal Papers.... another section Wills.... financials... safe deposit box... cars... elder care... final plans, etc.

In the section on Elder Care, I asked: If you can no longer be independent in your own home, what do you wish to do? Would you prefer to live at home to hire "professionally" certified trained caregivers to help around the clock? Hire cleaning people, and people to do landscaping? Or move to a retirement village where you will get full-time trained care, quick medical help, and be around people of your generation, and to enjoy what if offered by the village?

I am hoping everyone is starting to fill out this notebook so we aren't running blind if something happens.

Last month my S/O and I previewed several retirement communities and found one that is fantastic... you couldn't ask for anything better... it's like saying in a top rated hotel.... yep, expensive, but I saved for this, and since I have no children, I will spend my money how I please :) My S/O plans to do the same thing, because if his grown children gets their hands on his money, they will blow it in one year.... he might as well enjoy it.
These are all great suggestions. I recently updated my Living Will, but I need to update my regular Will too. I have an app with all of my logon/password info for all of my accounts (household, taxes, insurance, investments, banking, credit cards, DMV, you name it, it's there), and I think it's more accessible and definitely more current than the paper files.
But these are things that will be helpful when death occurs. The actual plans for what usually happens first - when old age and decline start happening? Honestly, I haven't said much other than "just shoot me," and that really won't be very helpful.
looloo... any app??? OMG, I am so behind the times. My S/O doesn't even understands apps, either. At least with an old fashioned notebook [the type that has a 3 ring binder], you don't need to turn on anything ;)
Freqflyer - there are so many apps out there. I spent several hours one day going through dozens of them. If I couldn't figure the app out in 5 minutes, I'd move on to the next one. Some are very involved and high-level, but the one I found just keeps everything secure and in one place, which is what I need. And I can keep separate files for my mother's stuff, my personal stuff, and my husband's personal stuff. Many are free, most don't cost too much. Mine cost $9.99 I think.
The 3 ring binder is not obsolete! In our emergency kit, we have a piece of paper w/our info (not as comprehensive though), just in case all our tech stuff isn't available for whatever reason.
looloo, sounds like a good idea if everyone in your family is tech savvy. For us, that means the next generation :)
I have great files :) That means I'm old! But I have shown everyone my color coded files and where all the passwords and sensitive documents are plus spent a small fortune at the attorney's office . I have also written the 80 year old me a letter that I gave my oldest son, telling me that it is time to let my kids help me, maybe time to hang up the keys and reminding me that they have my best interests at heart. Looking into a long term care policy as well. I do not want my kids doing what I am doing in the prime of THEIR lives. My mother said to my sis and I many years ago," if I should become incapacitated please find a NICE NH and put me there, visit once in a while, but go live your life." Alas, my dad had different ideas that visiting should be daily, with no breaks and so we did for 4 YEARS and now he is resisting AL and being a pill as is my FIL. I think the answer is a tiered community , independent living, assisted living and NH in one place, but need more research. Have had the discussion with my son about pulling the plug if necessary, much easier to do when no one is sick. Has anyone done research on the long term care policies??? I need direction on that one too.
my sons are no different than any other american . the unspoken rule is , if you jump in and take care of your elder , you inherite and indeed deserve the elders assets . if you dont do the job and do it well , the state will be forced to appoint someone , or an institution to do the job . imo , the elder wants the kids to have the assets but they have to earn it . go usa -- a common sense nation ..
1tired, you have a great question and your doing the right thing. Im sorry I dont have any different suggestions. Great answers everyone! Being here, and care giving has made me realize, I also need a will.

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