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It's SO tough to love someone fully unconditionally, especially when their own choices and/or behaviours run contrary to their own benefit, huh?..

I would first recommend acknowledging that your parents have long-entrenched patterns that may never be broken no matter how committed others (like you) are to saving or helping them. Trying to stop or change something we've done for 30 years is very, very hard generally.

Next, elder abuse IS a concept to watch for (even abuse of oneself, considered failure to care for self). You might wish to check with your regional Adult Protective Services for signs of such, and how the system can support caring for your mother in particular.

Meanwhile, it sounds like one of their patterns is to take on their challenges on their own - to "not bother" you or anyone else. Remember, even the most destructive patterns have SOME sort of positive purpose. So, keeping their challenges to themselves can be chosen to be noted as them "protecting" or "respecting" others..

An "intervention" is best initiated with:

A. A few loving, supportive statements by you and any other family or friends in attendance (the more the better) - Noting first how much your mother and your father mean to you.

B. A couple of statements acknowledging characteristics or values and/or past actions of/by your parents which you know support the outcome you want from the intervention...
For example, if you want to see them get more help for their physical issues, note when in the past they debated such, or were against doing such, and were later grateful when they went ahead and got help they needed! Or, note they have a belief in "doing whatever it takes to take care of each other" - Any characteristic, belief or behaviour which sets them in a place of openness to the very concept you're wanting them to consider.

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd call my girlfriend an "asshole", or anything nearly so derogatory UNLESS we had some sort of running joke between us which involved those terms truly meaning nothing. Your parents have their patterns and their paradigms.

I'm about 98% certain that calling your mother such a horrid thing degrades her at least to some degree. The key is to not try to change your parents' long-established patterns and their paradigms.. What you want to do is to find SOME values or something WITHIN those patterns/paradigms which supports more immediate support of their human needs.

I've run, coordinated and developed many such interventions, and am happy to be of support pro bono. Please feel free to hit me with any further questions

You're an awesome daughter to proactively care for your parents, Mishka. Pray/meditate, do yoga - whatever cares for YOU, and makes you stronger for your loved ones!

- Mitch Darnell, MS, OSM
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I hate to say this but this is elder abuse; there is no other name for it. The abuser is an adult male who has likely been a verbal abuser for years and maybe a physical abuser too. The victim is his wife who needs HELP to escape this terrible situation.

I suggest you find an elder abuse attorney and start the process to help your mom.
If she will agree (she may not after years of domination and abuse) you and/or your siblings may be able to remove her to your homes for her safety. Any help you try to hire will be driven away by your father. If you do not or cannot act the situation will worsen until the hospital is needed and nursing home care. Sadly, the damage may already be done. I know, it happened in my family.
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I agree with jessie and others. Your mum needs to be out of there for her physical and emotional safety. I don't think you are overreacting at all. You dad has an addiction, and the behaviours he is exhibiting go along with that. He needs an intervention, and treatment too for his addiction. Is he spending your mum's pension on gambling? It should be used for her care. Until your dad is willing/.ready to get treament for his addiction, things will only go down hill - addictions are progressive diseases too. I think removing your mum is necessary. I also think you need some professionals to help you plan it. have you talked to anyone in Gamblers Anonymous for example, or some other addictions counsellor? They are trained in interventions I believe, You don't want to subject your mum to a very nasty scene, which will certainly result in your dad shouting. Could he get physical if you try to remove your mum. Honestly, i don't think home care is the answer, because of his addiction, Your mum is being abused by your dad, and she needs to be removed from that environment, and the sooner the better. Have you talked with Social Services? Do have at least one male person outside of the family with you.
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Your situation sounds too familiar. After getting calls from their primary care physician, adult protective services, the fire department and a social worker stating that my parents were no longer safe in their home I had to move them into assisted living. Two years later they are each in separate secure facilities for memory care. This is not a pleasant process and you will not get any "Thank yous". I had to go to court and get a Conservatorship so I could pay their bills and get the care they need. Please get started on taking charge of their care for their safety.
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yeah, you definatly need to contact adult services.. DONT TELL HIM your going to do that, but please, contact them. in the phone book for every town. i know in santa maria, they get right on abuse cases, and your gut is telling you theres a problem, call adult services.. stay strong
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MishkaM, the abuse is terrible and your mother probably feels she has earned it. I personally feel the best option would be to remove her from the home and set her up in AL or a NH, where she can get the non-abusive care she needs. I don't know if you would be able to get her to agree to this. Often abused people become accustomed to the situation and it can be difficult to get them to leave. Often they feel they deserve to be treated badly because their self-esteem has been so damaged.

Your father seems to have serious anger management issues where he blames others for his own shortcomings. Chances are if the authorities are involved, he will change for a short time, then revert to his old ways. If you feel his actions are serious -- and he sounds like he is seething from what you wrote -- see about getting your mother moved to a better place. Maybe you could even move her close to you so you can visit often.
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loridtabbykat
Thanks for your response. I, too, am worried. I have been calling around agencies and some suggested talking with an attorney. I have talked with an abuse hotline and got some good numbers. My husband does not think my Mom is in any danger except for emotional abuse -which is horrible - but he thinks I am being too reactive to this. I just do not know , really, what to do. I am going back up in 2 weeks and my sister is coming in as well and we are going to try and get my brother to meet us( he lives about 1/2 hour from them away but has a lot of personnel issues so to very much help). We are going to meet and plan.
Maybe we should meet at their parish with their priest.

I will check out the CNN news.
Please, anyone with stories on how to help with my Dad please, please share.

Thanks
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MishkaM, your post scares me. Please go to a Senior Services Caregiver Center immediately! Share with them what you just posted here. Did you read the CNN news yesterday under the Justice tab? Our senior citizens are making the news. I'm not Catholic, but the Catholic Church here offers Senior Services to Seniors and to the Caregivers. They will be able to help you, and they will be local. Please do this right away. Thank you!
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Thank you so much, littleonway! Do I have any rights as the daughter to speak with their doctor? My mom, bless her heart, tries to go online and get information about home health care but she is just not capable. She tries to send them information but she cannot do it correctly. This is how much she wants a home health care aide!
I having been tossing around the idea of talking to their parish priest.-thank-you for reminding me-I kinda forgot I had thought of that!- My mind has been so mixed up since Thanksgving.
My husband also just reminded me this morning that my Mom has her own pension. My Dad has always taken care of the money but he never used to be so controlling. My husband said that there is no reason for my Mom not to be able to decide where she wants her pension money spent-not at the stage she is in. Especially if it is for her own safety!

I hope we are not making a huge mistake. I am kind of afraid of my Dad. He can get so mad. I know he is going to hate us for awhile but I am sick with worry about my Mom. She often has bruises from falling during transfers and that stair lift is just an accident waiting to happen . And his name calling- he is not getting it that you cannot do that ! I am so hoping that if he gets the help they need it will help him have less stress and he won't snap like he does.

Can anyone who has a home health care aide or part time nurse give me any positive stories that I could tell? Like how it has helped your mental state or even your back! Can anyone share with me their journey about having to learn how to accept help and how they are glad they did? I think my Dad is really not wanting to accept that my Mom is in such bad shape and if he just muddles by without outside help that helps him believe that all is well. But it is not! Maybe if I can read him stories about how much the home home care aid has helped he will realize it is a good thing.
Thanks again for the response!
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You could ask their doctor for referral to a home health agency. They will come and do an evaluation as to what services are needed and also provide a social worker who can discuss with the family what options are available. I would think in your situation it would be best to have an outsider present for any type of intervention. Is there a trusted friend, minister or attorney that your Dad might listen to and well as their being a buffer when you talk with Dad?

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you and your sister. Unfortunately, there are just times when we have to be the adults and do what is right in the care of our parents. They may not like it initially but I would think both your Mom and Dad would feel some relief in knowing they are both being well cared for. The current situation does not sound healthy or safe for either one of them.

Best of luck!
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