I have 1 sibling. She lives in another state. She claims that her part in the caregiving is that she calls dad every other day...


I don't expect her to do much because of the distance. However I do expect more than 1 visit every 6 months that last's 9 hours and she goes home. If I complain she just says..."you don't have to do anything" the nursing home will get him here or there. You don't have to make sure he is happy on holidays, that's your choice. My dad and I were never close. He never acknowledged me unless he was calling me the devils child! My mother (11 years his junior) died of cancer in 2006, dad's health took a fall for the worse. He had a triple bypass, aortic aneurism repair and a new aortic valve replacement. He is also in kidney failure, has COPD, diebeties and glaucoma. To make matter worse, she is the one with the POA for all of his financials. I only have POA for medical. Now im not worried about her stealing the money, she would NEVER do that. She is a good person. But whenever she calls to talk, she always says "thanks for taking one for the team"! I wish I knew who my team consists of because I seem to be the only one I know about. My feeling for my sister have changed so much.... I am so proud of all her achievements in the military, My smile is a mild wide when I talk about her just as if I am talking about my kids. I am in counseling and trying to figure all of this out. Anyone else have something like this or any advice?

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing


Thank you all so much. Last August I hit the bottom, and I mean the bottom. I started therapy and it's been SO helpful. I hate that there is others out there going thru the same thing, but I am so thankful somebody (other than my therapist) get's it, knows what I am saying and is feeling or has felt the way I feel right now. I told my husband that maybe with her moving further away again it will allow me to let her go easier. Then I know she can't hop in a car and be here in 4 hours. She is so type A...............which can tend to make me feel inferior. My husband said something the other day that resonates with me. He said, when you are 70 and rocking in your favorite chair who will be around you? Answer: My 3 children and so far 3 of my grandchildren....hopefully many more. Who will she have............nobody.

It's okay to let go of wanting her to be closer to you. She's let it go. You want a particular kind of relationship with her, and she's not playing. I bet she won't, given her actions. Until you can be okay wIth that, you'll always feel a hole in your heart. It isn't in your capacity to make happen. Same thing with your Dad. I am rooting for you!

I want a relationship with my sister so badly. When dad is gone, I want her in my life. But the longer this goes on, I can no longer say to myself "it is what it is" when it comes to her. We were always SO VERY CLOSE, that's what makes this so hard. I even drove to see her for a weekend, in hopes to develop some kind of a bond with her again. It's just amazing how she let's everything in regards to dad just wash off her shoulders. When I got back home, I had to fight with transportation to get him to an appointment so that I didn't have to drive a half hour out of my way and miss that much more work, then deal with the dr AND dad and in most cases because the dr's are always running so late, I have to take him back to the home. His transportation will only take him out of country M,W and F 9:30-2. So scheduling that, plus appt's plus when I can get away from work is not easy. But....according to my sister...."DON'T DO IT, NOBODY ASKED YOU TOO, NOBODY SAID YOU HAD TOO"! How does one do that! This man was...(without going into detail) not a nice man to me in any way. The mental, verbal and physical abuse nearly killed me as a young teen. She was everything to him and she can just shrug her shoulders and be done. She will be 40 this year...she is now a Major in the Air Force. I am SO proud of her, but I am finding it harder and harder to want a relationship with her.

It seems your sister has made herself clear, she is not doing anymore than she is and will not acknowledge all that you do. I have this problem as well, but after reading sooo many posts on this site regarding siblings who don't want to really be part of the caretaking, I have developed a tougher skin. I look at myself as an only child. The last time I talked to my sister she laughed and said
"you did get stuck with Mom". I didn't and don't see the humor in it.

I don't really talk to her; just e-mails. She came home last year when my mother was gravely ill with pneumonia and medical staff called in hospice. But my mother pulled through, thankfully. My sister said she won't be coming back for a funeral. I've always been there for my parents as it seems you have too.

I've always honored my parents and helped them. Making sure they are in a quality facility is honoring them as well as you know they are safe and taken care of. You are a wonderfuly daughter and you can feel comfort in knowing that you were there for him. Take care.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.