My parents make me feel as if I need to pay them back for being born.

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I really need a lot of help, as I dont know what to do anymore and my mom always puts a guilt trip on me.

I am a young adult, married, that lives a good life, but is not rich in any way.
Since a few years I keep helping my parents with money, to the point that it reached thousands and thousands of euros.

It started with little things, a bit of help here, rent or food,and I could never deny that, after all they are my parents! But at the same time, they dont stop smoking even though they know they cant afford it. Later on it got more and more to the point that they created a dependency on me, since every month they come to ask for money and not easy money here and there, but over 400 euros, to the point that I was unable to save money for my own bills and future. This time it started that they ask me money for going to a relatives baptism party, while they dont even have a good connection to that relative. I said no, and I explained my mom why not, because I have to pay my own things and because I wasnt able to save anything since everything that I could have saved, I gave her. It started with a guilt trip like it always starts, and the day after she asked again, so I had to tell her no, again.

The problem is that she made it seem as if I must pay her back for having been born, she always made it seem that way, even now when I told her mom I gave you so much money, to the point where I just cant anymore, you have to understand that I also have things to pay and I am worried for my future, and her answer was "Yeah as If I didnt do and pay anything for you". My whole life she made me seem as if I am only born to assure she has money when she is old, (she is 50, so I wouldnt even consider her old). Better yet after telling her I cant because of this and that reason, her reaction was "I know you can if you want to"... basically she always ignores my own problems, in fact when I tell her what problems I have she says "awww" or completely ignores it. Once I cried with her on the phone telling her "mom I cant help you anymore, I cant do it I have so many things of my own that I have to take her of" and her reaction? "awwww you cant help me at all at all anymore?" with a "sweet" voice as if I am a stupid baby that she doesnt take serious. She never took me serious, she never cared for my own problems, and when I tell her my problems when she asks for money she makes ME feel as if I am a bad person, because she gave me life and took care of me. I DIDNT ASK to be born, many times while I lived with her I thought about committing suicide, it was not my choice if I could have chosen maybe I wouldnt have even wanted to be born, I was put in this world without a choice, and she makes it clear to me that we have a money relationship. When I was young she beat me up a lot because she had problems with my dads family, so she would release those problems on me, she was obsessed with my virginity to the point that she would yell at me if I go at a FEMALE friend`s house, while I was around 17, she called me a lot of names, she made it seem as if I am bad person, in school also no matter how much I struggled for good grades, there was ALWAYS another person better than me, she made sure she makes me feel inferior and guilty for everything all the time, to the point that I even have friends that were trying to take advantage of me and dont take me serious because I feel guilty for saying no to anything.
And what makes it harder is that I know she had a hard life, with money, or my dad, I know that, plus she was always cooking for me and taking care of me in that sense I have nothing to say against her and I am grateful to her forever but she makes it seem as if I have to pay her back for that and completely ignores my problems and simply DOESNT CARE. There isnt once in my whole life that she came at me to ask me how do I really feel, how is my life going, nothing like that. I suffer from depression, last time she visited me we had a hard fight out of nothing, and I was left with a lump in my throat that didnt leave for weeks, and it would sometimes make it hard for me to breath, its all psychological, as I checked it out and there is nothing there.
I find it so hard to accept that my parents might not love me and see me as a product that was made for their own benefit when they are old.

Another problem is that my mom cannot accept I dont want to make children, and she gives me the reason of "when you are old you will need somebody" PLUS she expects me to move in with her when she is old and take care of her, when she knows my husband and I want to move to another country.

Please help me, I dont know what to do anymore, anything I say she turns it into a guilt trip and doesnt take my problems seriously or completely ignores them, and I feel as if I am getting physically sick because I dont know what to do, and whenever I have the strength to stand up for myself, I give in to feeling guilty again, and like a bad daughter.


Counseling is a good start.
I agree, counseling is a good start. But if I were you, I would try going no contact for a while until you get some boundaries set up with her. She sounds like a very toxic person and you are not safe emotionally giving her unfettered access to you and your emotions.

Maybe tell her that you will help her only in a dire emergency, because helping her will create an emergency for you. And stick to that.
Thank you! I did consider counseling, or even telling her to visit a psychologist but she is the kind of person that doesnt understand psychology in any way, because she thinks people that need a psychologist are "crazy" and took it as an offense.
Daughter, you can't change your mother's behavior but you can change yours. Unfortunately, the guilt trip she created also contributed to the enabling effect, manipulating you by guilting you into giving in, and inadvertently encouraging her to continue using those tactics.

This behavior isn't going to stop until you stop it; it works for her, why should she change?

Your presentation in your post clearly reflects that you feel you need to explain to her why you won't continue to provide money. You don't.

First step: stop explaining. Just say no. No more money. If she starts pleading, terminate the conversation. It would also help to stay away from her until this issue shows some progress toward resolution.

You really do need counseling to help you gain a positive level of self esteem so you can just tell her NO. Period.
ABadDaughter, you are not a bad daughter. There are parents who will use their children and it sounds like you have one of them. The problem is that she will use you up if you don't put huge boundaries (maybe a wall) between you. You have the right to say no. Your mother is only 50. She needs to get up and make her own money if she wants to do things. You are not her open wallet.

The natural way of life is that resources flow down through the generations. I get so mad when I hear of parents who try to guilt their children into making crazy sacrifices. Just tell her no, I do not have the money. And repeat it. And keep repeating it until it sinks in. Take that money and invest it for your own retirement. At 50 years old, your mother should be able to make her own money.

I often hear of children of abused and neglected children not wanting children of their own. I think there is a strong link there. Maybe it is because there is the message that being a kid is not such a great thing. Parents can pass down a lot of hidden messages to their children.

Something else you can do with the money you save by not giving it to your parents is that you can visit a therapist for yourself. A good therapist can work with you to make it easier to get out of this cycle your mother put you in. It is often said that parents can push our buttons so well because they are the ones that installed them in us. Your obligation to you parents is to live a good life that reflects well on them. Don't let your mother guilt you into thinking you owe her your life. That is just crazy.
I think we are suggesting counselling for YOU, not your mother! You need to learn how to set proper boundaries and that saying NO when she oversteps those boundaries doesn't make you a bad person. Her behaviour is not likely to change, you, however, can learn to change how you react to it.
Only help should be for a roof over their heads and food. Anything else is up to them. Sound like narcissists, like so many elders we take care of are.
ABD, if you do not want children, don't have them, even to satisfy your own 'mommy'. I don't want to get totally snarky but, after 55 years plus of observation, I have a very dim view of the reason why people have children. I had sadly concluded that rarely it is 'for the child'. it is 60% brainwashing, 35% false advertising everywhere, and the last 5% is trying to please someone else. My opinion anyway.
ChildFREEDOM is a totally different subject and is covered elsewhere on the web.

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