My mother and father just moved in with my family and they are saying hurtful things to me.

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My Mom and Dad have just moved in with my husband, 15 yr old daughter and I. My Mother has been saying mean and hurtful comments, out of earshot of my Father 'to me and to my daughter', when there isn't really a witness, and then she will tell my Dad a completely different story...Of course, it's all in 'her' favor, but I never dreamed any of this would be happening to begin with...today, she confronted me in the front of my Dad and told me that my nerves must be bothering me, and that my medicine is giving me mood swings......OMG....I sat there for a minute, and just prayed for God to give me the right words to say to her, because one of the last things she told me in the front of my daughter (first time I've had a witness) was, 'I needed to shut my mouth and keep it off of my alcoholic sister'.........in which 'she' was the one talking about 'my sister', not me.....so, in the front of my Father, I say to her, 'just because I'm speaking up for myself, to your disrespectful comments to me, doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with my nerves!'.........my Dad acted SHOCKED.....when I retold what had gotten said, she completely denied it............says she doesn't remember ever saying 'those' words................now, my question is............can she be saying these things to me, and really not remember them???? Because she seems pretty darn alert to me.....the trouble is, she's always been the boss of the house, and called the shots, and I know that 'this' isn't what she wanted....she told me to my face today, that if she would've known that me and my alcoholic sister didn't get along, and she wasn't allowed at our house, that she probably wouldn't have come to live with us????.....I told her, that it's not that we don't get along, she just causes drama, and upset, and has lots of low life friends, and spreads false rumors, and causes family fights, and I don't want any of that, nor does my husband in 'our home'.......

15 Comments

Try to remember it is the disease, not the person. Yes, she can forget that she said something just SECONDS AGO. My Dad did that to my mother in his final days. At night he was a different person to her.
Is it too late for them to move back into their own home, with more in-home health services? It does sound like this move was a mistake, though not for the reasons your mother gives. Could they get along in Assisted Living?

Your mother is used to being boss of the house. She isn't boss now. This has got to be a terribly difficult adjustment.

You are used to setting the rules for who is welcome in your home. Did Sister used to visit your parents at their home? If so, it would a surprise and disappointment to learn that she is no longer welcome to visit them where they live. (If she never visited anyway, this is not worth arguing over.) Can you offer to drive them to Sister's when they are invited?

And now poor Dad is caught in the middle. He gets to be the referee of "she said" "no she said" "did not!" "did too!" Lordy, not a peaceful way to spend your final years.

Wouldn't they really be better off in Assisted Living, where at least the rules they have to follow are not their children's rules, and they can invite anyone they want to visit them?

This tension is not good for any of the five of you. (As if you needed an outsider to point that out!)
Frazzeled, if your Mom doesn't have dementia, then she full well knows what she is doing. My Mom does this also. Mom is perfectly fine. It is called gaslighting. Research it a bit and maybe you will get some anwsers. This is all part of a personality type. Mom has always done this sort of thing. They try to make you appear crazy, it is just part of their game. There is a thread on this site about narcissistic moms. The site is daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com. Read it. Hope it helps.
I guess I should've given more information when I typed my initial question, and we probably fall under the dysfunctional family section as well........but, my Mom has not been diagnosed with dementia or any other mind altering issues, so I will look up gaslighting, but she could have dementia right??? How do I ever get her diagnosed, without her 'really' getting upset with me??? From what I understand, from my older sister, my Mother did this to her also, when she tried to talk to her about some issues long ago, that were troubling her. My Mom made her out to be a crazy person in menopause, and convinced my Dad of it, so that he wouldn't ever believe a word she ever said. Now, this 'other' sister, that I'm speaking of, that has the addiction problems, never came to see them over the past year. She has remained in a drunken stupor, and calls my Mom and tells her lots of garbage, and for some reason, my Mom believes every single word of it. I've offered to take her anywhere she wants to go and see her, I have no problem with her seeing my sister, and they knew this problem existed, prior to this move, between my sister and I, so why it's such a big deal now, and why I'm getting blasted for it daily, I have no idea....when my Mom was in the hospital, the staff wouldn't even allow my sister in to see her, because my Mom's heart rate would get so irregular (plus she was spilling her booze all over the place)
I've always been the one that's been the closest with my parents. I love the both of them soooo much, but I've never seen this behavior out of my Mother..
I probably need to read about the different stages of dementia?? I'm going to read about the thread that Madge1 mentioned....
Thanks so much, and any and all of your input is soooo greatly appreciated.....they cannot move back into their home, it was sold before Christmas, and they were both dead set against assisted living....
Yikes! Nip it in the bud right now! Good luck
My mother has the "mouth," too. She will say one thing, then turn around and say another. She has what looks like dementia now, but she did this even when she was younger. The only thing I can suggest is to talk to her directly about things and let it go around other people. Chances are that they are just having a time adjusting. Maybe if you could mark off some territory that is theirs alone and give her some control over certain things in the house, she would be able to make your home her home more quickly.

Family members often talk about each other and say things that they wouldn't say to their worst enemies. I don't know why this happens, but it is very common. I hope that you can work things out. I hope you'll let us know how the next few days go. Some days are worse than others. It sounds like you had one of the more emotionally bad days.
It sounds like a mess!
It certainly wouldn't hurt to become more familiar with the signs and stages of dementia. But from what you write, this is not new. She pulled something very similar with one of your sisters years ago.

As peeweedeb says, nip this in the bud! Your parents could be around another 15 or more years. Can you live like this that long? Get this living arrangement on a solid foundation now. It is unacceptable for your mother to talk to you hurtfully. (Dementia would alter things, but I don't know that is a factor here.)

Could the five of you have a few family counselling sessions? There is a lot at stake here, and worth considerable effort to get things on a good footing.

And do not rule out the possibility of alternate living arrangements. If you decide that this isn't working and your parents must find another place to live, what are they going to do? Find a homeless shelter? It may be true that they are now dead set against assisted living, but if you become dead set against having them with you, something has to give. Just know that this is a possibility, so you don't feel completely trapped.

Jessie may be right and this is just a rough adjustment period. But reading other threads here would indicate that rough adjustment periods can go on and on for years. Nip it in the bud! Get it to work, or get it to end.
Madge1 .... Thank you so much for shedding some light on my 84 year old Father's wacky additions to his story telling. I never knew there was a name for deceptive, lying old men! I looked up gaslighting and they described his behavior to a "T" along with his picture ... Ha!

Frazzled28 .... I feel your pain. This caregiver role is a tough one. I too hope this is just an adjustment period and these issues will go away. If you take anything away from this forum ... please remember to make time for yourself and your own family. I hope things work out for you. However, having an alternate living arrangments is a very good suggestion.

Good Luck!
Everyone has already said it. Your mother is a manipulative narcissist and your poor dad is probably a passive aggressive enabler, in denial. Look up personality disorders. You got an interesting bunch there. Do not let any of them make you think your perceptions are off. You are OK, but you need to toughen up, draw your lines in the sand and get your husband to back you 100%. No excuses.

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