Isn't it funny how when your parent comes to live with you all your friends scatter.

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Where do all your friends go when you are tied up in a house all day long? It's like you have a disease or something. Sad, because that's when we need our friends the most. They aren't dealing with it now but you never know what's in the future.

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195Austin, it wasn't about time or energy. I generally don't have either one, but sanity demanded I go to a local support group and so I did. There are several volunteer groups that will sit with your parent so you can go do things like this. It's once a month but it means a lot. Plus the local VNA (well, one of them) has a volunteer who will call you or let you call to keep you in contact with someone who understands. Then, there is this forum. Are you not connecting with people here? I did not say these were deep relationships, merely ones that exist. Time is definitely not something I have in abundance but I am doing my best to look for things - such as the support group. Anyway, what's wrong with support group friendships. That's what I was trying to emphasize. Yes, I am lucky that I can email my distant friends. But I don't actually get to see them more than once at most in the last 6 years. It's not a lot but it isn't abandonment either.

Everything takes energy. Be resigned to the fact that you won't have much of a social life - maybe not any. Kind of like grad school, actually. To get out of the trap of isolation we must seek respite we might not otherwise utilize. Of course it's sometimes going to be next to impossible. I have this experience myself. This is where support groups come in. Call your area agency on aging, your local Alzheimers Association. Seek out the help I am telling you is there.

If you're looking for the kind of socializing you had before, you will be disappointed. Look for an alternative.
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PCVS I am glad you have been able to make connections with others but most caregivers do not have the energy or time to develope friendships apart from caregiving.
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It doesn't have to follow. A lot depends on circumstances. We always had at least one grandparent live with us and that didn't change how my parents related to their friends. As for me in my circumstance with my mother, I moved from Maryland to Connecticut and had to leave my friends behind. We still exchange emails occasionally even if visiting is not generally viable. Although, one couple who are among my very best friends had to pass through CT and we did get together (and go hiking at Sleeping Giant!) a couple years ago. On the other hand, by going to a support group once a month I am making connections with people in similar circumstances and as they support me emotionally I am able to support them the same way.
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Manohardy's daughter I admire you so much for sharing these stories about you father and I so hope you will stick around our little group-this is amazing to me that you want to share his life with us-there is so much that we do not understand about how our brains work and I am fascinated about what you have shared with us who got a glimpse of you Dad.
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Hi Ruth: You are not off-topic. I am so taken with the story of your father and his mind. There is a book called, "My Stroke of Insight" which describes some amazing things that happened to the author. She had a left brain hemorrhagic stroke. Her perception of things changed dramatically when she had to depend on her right brain. You may know about her, she was a neuro specialist, Harvard grad and really brilliant. Goggle the name of the book and you'll see a great deal on line about her.

After your dad passed, was it your decision that his brain not be studied? I think your dad because part of the universe, open to a source of thoughts and intelligence that we are all connected to, but don't experience.

I love hearing you talk about him. Sending you love, Cattails
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thank you Ladee-yes-I have all of dads circles and he put you in one of them which was very rare. I am not exactly sure but his Psychologist thinks that the circles were his way of not getting lost inside the maze that was his brain. He always wrote the word me and placed it in the middle-. He had pictures and stick notes to remind him what he did yesterday. In a way they were him memories. Adding someone to his circle was a very important connection and must have made him feel secure because the circle was his world. Bocelli and Laura Pausini whom he met were also in his circle. You are not the only person to feel that Other Wordly phenomena. His Neurologists were mortified when I refused to let them have his brain. Meno wrote to his therapist about a month before he passed and said:. You and I have tension between us. The articulation of that tension, or my effort to dispel it, through the initiative as a therapist, has an effect that is not adequately described merely as "insight." Such an articulation, or "raising of consciousness," of a previously unarticulated feeling or aim changes the person who experiences it. It changes the persons experience of himself. Indeed, it changes his relation to himself in a specific way. I choose to put my fragmented self into a circle because I am not quite ready to leave this world. Much like you choose to wear shoes but kick them off as soon as you are home. What was experienced as pressure is now experienced as purpose. Inside my circle I am conscious. I become, at least momentarily, more purposeful. That is to say, I become more completely integrated. Without my circle I will scatter and diffuses to the heavens.
Meno believed that he was going somewhere. The same Neurologist who said he would regress to a vegatative state could not explain how he used his brain to flip switches that allowed him to delay that process. Dad believed that all persons regardless of their state need only find their circle to claw their way out of the maze and yet he also experienced what the alzheimer patient experiences and although it seems horrible to us he said it really isn't. He said it is peaceful and there were many times when he would not do anything but moan or rock and make odd sounds that quite frankly made me think he was suffering and drove me up the wall. Once I realized he was not suffering my tension went away and I actually found his strange mantra soothing. I stopped worrying and fighting it and he gave off an almost supernatural transference. His Psychologists felt it, his doctors felt it and his brainwaves showed he was in a meditative not vegetative state. Sorry-I am off topic. Ruth
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What I said earlier, it may seem trivial and unnecessary. Could be seen as a slap in the face by some even. It's not. I swear, I wish each and every one of you to find this song and just listen to it once. If you don't agree then so be it, but this song says so much and I can't help but feel so much lighter when I hear it. I only want to spread that happiness to others that I feel could use it. It's not much, but it's something. hugs.
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Ruth, thank you for sharing more about your dad MenoHardy.... this man touched me in a very deep place, there was a 'connection' I can not explain.... it was like I "knew" him and after you sharing all the wonderful things he was able to do.... I know I was touched by an angel... and I don't mean to sound sophmoric here either..... If anything is ever published about your dad, would you please let us know..... we didn't get to have much time with him.... and at one point I posted to him and made a typo, or left a word out of my post... I was so upset that you felt I would ever intenionally hurt him.... he fascinated me.... and one day he posted on my wall and told me he put me in his cirlce that morning..... You were very blessed to have him.... and thank you for sharing him with us.... I miss him more than words can express.... it almost feels "other worldly", I don't know how else to explain it..... hugs to you Ruth.... we are honored that you are still sharing about him... we are here for you too.... hugs across the miles to you....
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Hi Ruth: I love cattails too. We have then on our pond and the red winged black birds make their home there. Thus the name.

I know you miss your dad. It couldn't be otherwise. He was so young and your mom too. I understand what you are examining, that aging may not need to be so progressive and can be slowed down. They're working on it, but aside from what we eat, we have to live in the environment at hand.

Don't for get to live in the moment, Ruth. So often it's all we have.

Sending you love and comfort, Cattails
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why thank you cattails-I love cattails by the way-enjoy polyurethaning them and using them in floral arrangements. I've been burning the midnight oil and feling the emptiness since my dad passed. Still trying to make sense of why we age and why we are not kind to our bodies-a almost perfect machine and we feed it all the wrong foods and beverages.. In theory there is no reason why we should age so early. We are one of several mammals that should live for hundreds of years. I am just a bit confused. Could stress play a role? Loss of loved ones and friends-social stresses?
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