The hurt and pain of moving a loved one to a facility.

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My 72-year old mother in law has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and it's become apparent that she is no longer safe or capable of living on her own. My husband and I, along with his siblings, have found a lovely care center for her which will be close to us (she presently lives in a very remote rural community). This weekend we will be going to her hometown to not only tell her that she can no longer live by herself, independently, but to also move her and her things to her new "home." She has lived in her hometown since birth and raised her family there as well. She lives in the only home that she and her husband shared (he passed away 18+ years ago) and she still has friends from her school days that live in town as well. She's always been very independent but with the disease she has become increasingly aggitated as "luxuries" such as driving her own car relinquishing her volunteer bookkeeping position at the local church, or even baking cookies have been taken away from her for safety issues. Her mother had Alzheimer's as well, and before my mother in law was sick she made the family promise to take care of her and provide her with proper treatment and supervision should she ever fall to the disease....but now that she's ill herself she doesn't understand she's sick or why she can't drive, bake or help do the church's books anymore. My question is do we approach her and let her know that we think it is in her best interest, health and safety to move her from the only life, home and people she's ever known and place her into unfamiliar surroundings with unfamiliar people. Any advice on how others have handled the situation would be greatly appreciated...although I know it's unique for each individual and family. My heart is just aching over the pain and confusion, and certain anger that she will express and experience.



Hi, last March my 95 yr old dad had a stroke that left him unable to stand or walk and greatly affected his balance. My 86 yr mom has health issues of her own and we knew that Dad would not be able to return home like this. I am 1 of 2 children however it's like theres only one child, I knew that I could not properly care for Dad the way he needed and at home care was not cost efficient so Nurshing Home care was was our choice. Dad is a loner and being around unfamiliar faces was a difficult change for him and us but we knew we were meeting his health needs by having him there. The staff loves him and he is cordial with them and now they are familiar.

This past Oct, due to moms health needs she moved in with him, they are together again and I don't have to worry about either one of them. I love the staff at the nursing home, I vists a couple times a week and talk on the phone with them. Last week Mom had a brain bleed and they rushed her to the hospital, had she been at home this could have been a different ending. Mom was released back to the Nursing Home for Skilled Therapy. Whe she returned to her room she was soo happy to be home and the staff welcomed her back.

It may be difficult at first and some invested time on your families time will be needed. Attend activies with her, have meals with her, allow her to see you mingle with the staff and residents. I beleive this will help but be prepared for the sulking, and dissapointing looks...or maybe she will enjoy being around her peers.

overall, your gut will tell you if you are doing the right thing for your mom, yourself and your family.
I wish my best regards, let us know how things go for you.
I think the most important thing to keep in mind is that you are doing exactly what is appropriate for your loved one. There is no easy way to broach the subject. I would give her a little time to get used to the idea before you actually mover her.
Common reactions are: the idea that they will be moving back "home" soon, that they are being abandoned, that you have given up on them. Comments like these are not to be taken personally.
When our parents raised us they did not let us do everything we wanted to because they were looking ahead and doing what was in our best interests. Keep this in mind.
I know what you are going through. I have helped my Mom live in a home enviroment for the last 3 years and I do not know how much longer this will be possible. Mom keeps talking about going "home." She doesn't remember that there was no one at "home" that was willing to care for her including my sib.
Transitions are hard for everyone. It will take her awhile to get used to her new surroundings. Give her space and time to fit in. Do not come running everytime she has a fit. Let the professionals do their jobs.
Good luck.
Lillyput, as usuall you made some great points, and the one I am learning now is not to come running everytime she has a fit. Good point!!! I started catching on when she told me she has the staff trained. Yea well she had me trained too and now I'm in a re-training mode. Let the professionals do their job!

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