Overwhelmed! Most days I'm in tears of frustration.

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I am the Caregiver for my 87 year old father. In addition to being a caregiver I work from home and Im a single mother of three children. We moved in with Dad about five months ago after he had a fall in the house. In the past months, My brothers were taking care of my father when he first got out of the hospital. Then they came up with the brilliant idea for me to move in and help take care of him I was against the idea from the beginning and expressed that to my siblings. Every day is filled with arguing. My father needs so much attention even though his physical condition has improved alot. He has a home health attendant while I work but that doesnt stop him from calling me upstairs to answer the phone, check his grand prize mail etc. I work from home full time 50 plus hours a week and Im required to have a quiet environment, Numerous times I have to tell him to be quiet because hes either yelling for me or has the TV at full blast. He sees me and the Home Health Attendant as his personal servants. My father cannot have a simple breakfast...he has to have a gourmet meal EVERY morning. He and the Home Health Attendant will go food shopping and he will always want something that is not in the house which means every time I go out, he wants something from the store or a favor done I find myself constantly rushing back home. I have no privacy nor time to just bond with my children. 24/7 is spent catering to my father and his whims. Not needs. He is not content to find something to do with himself..He spends his time arguing and being suspicious of everyone. Its exhausting. He doesn't have any friends nor does he socialize. feel like I have too much on my plate and every day is the same . If I go out on the weekend he gets back at me by snooping through basement which is basically where I sleep. If hes not doing that hes going through my daughter's rooms. Most days I'm in tears of frustration.

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I look forward to sending you house warming wishes, you are trying so hard to make your situation better. Be strong and good luck in bearing with it in the meantime.
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I found my Father's CNA' on Care. It costs $30 to join for 1 month. A cheap way to find a good CNA. We have 3 and they work 12 hour days and split up the 72 (week) work schedule however they want it. We pay them $10 hr. cash and they love it. They get there at 10 and leave at 10 after putting Dad to bed. I would start looking for another caregiver.
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Argh, I'm sorry. It's all so painful. So much of me wants to be rational, but like you I tend to be emotional. I made crockpot stew for dinner and he said it tasted like broth and meat, not like stew. (probably from being in the crockpot) I told him he hurt my feelings and he said, "if you can't handle what people say without getting your feelings hurt all of the time, you're not going to have anyone left talking to you." This on my wedding anniversary with my husband in bed with flu like symptoms... I mean, what are you supposed to say? I just shut up and took the dog for a walk. He watched Jeopardy and went to bed. Everyone says I'll adjust but I just don't know. I don't know if I should suggest he start looking at Senior Living.
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Im still very angry about yesterday's three hour drama. Ive been quiet today and have stayed completely away from my father. Once again he gets on the phone with my sister to discuss me and how he is glad she spoke to me about MY behavior. Im livid with her right now. My father sees her as superior to me in every way...looks wealth you name it. Although she doesnt live here she pays for the HHA and whatever extra things he needs done. For some reason he thinks Im also on her payroll and therefore I answer to her too. Yes Im an emotional person, high strung you name it. Ive said Im not well equipped to be in the situation and I never wanted to be in it in the first place. More and more I feel back in the same role I was in growing up and Ive noticed that Ive fallen back on food as comfort, just like when I was a kid. Just gives them something else to talk about... Although my father claimed this morning that he needs me here, he thinks hes doing me and my "poor" disadvantaged children a big favor. Im going to continue to look for an apartment because I know its a matter of time before the next blow up....
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You are not in this alone. You need to sit down with your sister and tell her that she is making it more difficult for you and that if she doesn't knock it off that you are walking out the door and leaving her to deal with your father.
Your job is hard enough as it is. You should be receiving support from your sister rather than criticism. My siblings don't help me but they don't talk shit to my mom about me. I wouldn't tolerate that and you shouldn't either. There is no call for that.

If your father doesn't respect you, your children are going to see you being treated like "a dog" and they will begin to mimic his behavior. I have seen this happen. Do not let your father take that away from you.
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If it wasnt for this list I wouldnt know what to do...no one in my life seems to understand...and each moment it gets worse. Tonight I had to listen to him talking about me like a dog..telling my sister that there are not arguments every day, that its my fault Im a single mother.... My sister gave him the ammunition he needed by saying that she told me not to go so hyper all the time. Who wouldnt be hyper with three children, a demanding job and dealing with an aging parent...Its like Im in this alone.
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Hi again. I didn't say in my earlier post that I didn't think you should move out. I want to be clear about that. When I was in a similar situation, I did. Believe me, I fully understand. I had to come to terms with the fact that I have a responsibility to my child, and frankly to myself, to provide a healthy, safe living environment. I don't think you are wrong to move out, nor do I judge you in any way. I simply want you to be at peace with your decision, so that down the road you are not overcome with sorrow and regret (as I am). That is all I was trying to say. I think you are heroic for the sacrifices you have made to live with your father, and I also think you should not be subjected to abusive, intolerable living conditions.
I wish you and your children the very best. If I could, I would give you a hug.
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If he can afford assisted living I would suggest that, or some other living arrangement for your father. My mother went thru that agitated/paranoid phase and it was hell on me and my husband, and I too spent many days and nights crying. Think about yourself and your family first and do not ever feel guilty, you sound like a great daughter! Blessings to you.
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You guys are truly amazing. ...I do have an update. Today began with a 3 hour SCREAMING match at 7am.. Well it began with my father and sister having a screaming match on the phone ...then the conversation turned to me because my sister told my father I was planning on moving out.I think it was to get the conversation off her ..anyway instead of taking responsibility for being argumentative he claimed I get all upset because I dont want him to say anything to my children. He says hes going to stop arguing etc. but the truth is he doesnt feel he did anything wrong. Im at the point where I dont want to be near him and I cannot hide my disdain.He also made it seem as if my sister is paying me to stay with him which is not true. He sees me as a worker , no different than the HHA.
Drama every single day.
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@4minis4me,

I know all about regrets; I didn't move in to my childhood home with my mom and instead ended up bringing her to reside in a facility near me, and will always wonder what would have gone better or worse if I had decided differently. (I did not think I could handle her care, and it would have been prety much all on me, whicle I work full-time plus and provide essentially the sole income for the family, which was mod to max assist for all mobility and ADL except feeding herself, and also very negative and critical personality.) See, I stil feel guilty about it too!!

But, this author has a dad who is more physically independent and could keep going strong for YEARS, not months. She's got to move out, she and her kids have no privacy, no control, and no life where they are. Maybe Dad can't help it given his personality characteristis plus his dementia, but still it just isn't tolerable for an indeterminate length of time. She does not have to drop out of his life altogether, but trying to work and live in the same house is going eat her and her kids alive.

There may be even more regrets if the girls are emotionally scarred from living in a battleground and having their rooms invaded daily. Unless dad could go to a senior center daily without it being a maybe-I-will maybe-I-won't fight every day, I do not see how this situation can work. Once she moves out, limits will have to be set on requests between visits or he will continue to drain her dry without a drop of gratitude just because he thinks she SHOULD be catering to his every request on a full time basis - her job adn her kids won't figure into the equation at all in his mind.
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