Overwhelmed! Most days I'm in tears of frustration.

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I am the Caregiver for my 87 year old father. In addition to being a caregiver I work from home and Im a single mother of three children. We moved in with Dad about five months ago after he had a fall in the house. In the past months, My brothers were taking care of my father when he first got out of the hospital. Then they came up with the brilliant idea for me to move in and help take care of him I was against the idea from the beginning and expressed that to my siblings. Every day is filled with arguing. My father needs so much attention even though his physical condition has improved alot. He has a home health attendant while I work but that doesnt stop him from calling me upstairs to answer the phone, check his grand prize mail etc. I work from home full time 50 plus hours a week and Im required to have a quiet environment, Numerous times I have to tell him to be quiet because hes either yelling for me or has the TV at full blast. He sees me and the Home Health Attendant as his personal servants. My father cannot have a simple breakfast...he has to have a gourmet meal EVERY morning. He and the Home Health Attendant will go food shopping and he will always want something that is not in the house which means every time I go out, he wants something from the store or a favor done I find myself constantly rushing back home. I have no privacy nor time to just bond with my children. 24/7 is spent catering to my father and his whims. Not needs. He is not content to find something to do with himself..He spends his time arguing and being suspicious of everyone. Its exhausting. He doesn't have any friends nor does he socialize. feel like I have too much on my plate and every day is the same . If I go out on the weekend he gets back at me by snooping through basement which is basically where I sleep. If hes not doing that hes going through my daughter's rooms. Most days I'm in tears of frustration.


I'm so sorry you moved in with him! Did your brothers bully you into it? How soon can you move out? Are there economic reasons for staying? Can he afford assisted living? Get out now because it will only get worse, and you will lose income because his needs will prevent you from getting anything done.
I think it's often a mistake to move into the parent's home, especially a father's. It's their house, and they think they can still make all the rules. And they don't respect daughters.
You are so right. Im in tears as I type this because Ive reached my breaking point. While my brother was here helping my Dad,my father listened. My brother laid out a plan for how the household was to operate once he went back to his home out of state. He told our father dont get up early and come downstairs, rest in your room until 10am..no need to get so early. He told how the home health attendant and I would handle the shopping. I am responsible for paying the bills etc. My father obliged as long as my brother was here. This house was silent until 10am. At times I felt it was too quiet. The moment my brother left everything changed !!! Our home health attendant was a live in .She could not stand dealing with my fathers arguing and insisting on having things his way all the time so she reduced her time to only working during my work hours. The problem with that is, she uses the fact that I live here as a reason to leave early etc. I feel like I do nothing but work I get up early to give Dad his meds...He is then up before 7am. I have to get my kids ready for school, once I take them to school, he goes through everyone's room claiming to be looking for something. No matter how many times we tell him when his home health aide is coming, he asks when she is coming and does she know what he wants for breakfast...By the time I drop the kids off, I have to make sure everything is in order before the HHA arrives or I have to deal with her attitude. I go downstairs to my home office by 9 I dont work uninterrupted because Dad always needs SOMETHING from me. Once the HHA leaves, I have to make sure to keep an eye on my father. I feel like I have four children. Between his need for attention and at the same time always telling me what to do as far as the house is concerned (turn off the lights..lock the doors.Who is in the kitchen..What was that noise...) I am responsible for handling paying his bills, scheduling repairs, etc. He asks for work to be done on the house then complains that people are cheating him because he didnt listen to what they said !!!!
Dad doesnt like the weekend HHA so they argue all the time. Yet we are stuck with her because I need to have time to get out. We wound up moving in because the apartment we were renting was taken over by a management company and everyone had to leave..so my family felt that it all fell into place "perfectly". I find myself complaining every day. I dont like being like this at all.
Let them know you're moving out in 2 months, and find a new place. Before long, you will find that you have been stuck for years, you are poorer and sicker, your kids don't like to be around the house, and you dislike your father and brothers. Get out ASAP.

Is the caregiver from an agency? You REALLY don't need attitude. Everyone has quirks that we may have to adjust to, but giving you attitude is not in her job description.
She is not from an agency. She was referred to us by a family friend. Add that to the mix of personalities I have to deal with. Everything is fine until I have the nerve to tell her how I want things done. Once I do that, she has a major attitude. This is not a healthy situation. You are right again. My children already dislike being here but my family thinks because this home is bigger and in a better neighbborhood, I should put up with the nonsense. Im sure my siblings are tired of, my daily email rants...However its the only way to keep from going completely insane. Its like running a company only I dont get paid or respected. My siblings hired the HHA yet Im the only one dealing with the day to day. Sure they will call and visit from time to time..But they at least have distance. I feel trapped. I threaten to move out every week but they dont take me seriously. I would rather pay rent and have peace of mind then to live rent free and deal with this nonsense every day.
Never threaten do it. Find a nice apartment and move your stuff in. Continue to stay in the house for a couple of weeks but give notice to your siblings that you quit on a certain date and walk out. Find another HHA, she does NOT give you attitude and she does not slip out stealing time you are paying for. Going through yours and your kids space stops right now, PUT LOCKS ON THE DOORS Was there a written agreement ? with dad and your siblings
I realize you don't want tface this but it's time to sh*t or get off the potty
Veronica is right on as usual,

LOCKS on the doors immediately

New HHA who works there was you want it takes direction from you immediately

Look for a place and have it all set up, then offer to your father that you will move unless certain requirements are met
You have all been helpful. Thank you. Its funny because you all see things the way I do, but my family is oblivious. They see it as oh well its Dad's house so he can snoop through everything. I have told my family Im looking for another apartment. I dont even think i can last another couple of weeks because every day is a HUGE argument. My father may be 87 but he can still yell at the top of his lungs. Ive thought about putting locks on the doors, however that would be seen as disrespectful to Dad's house. "We dont lock doors in this house.." Its bad enough that I will close the girls bedroom door and I will find it open minutes later. Thank you all again for your advice. This is the first time Im writing about it on a forum. You have given me alot of insight.
The role reversal, where a child is taking care of the parent, is very difficult for some people to master. Your brother was able to take it on (at least for a short time), set up the rules, and have Dad respect them.

That you can't bring yourself to "disrespect Dad's house" even for the sake of your own children's privacy is one indication that taking on a parental role with your father is too much for you. You are not his servant. You are not even his minor-age child who must obey him. But that is the role you seem stuck in.

You need a quiet place to earn your living. Your children need to see you as an adult and in-charge. You all need your privacy. Moving in was a mistake. You gave it your best shot but it isn't working out. Time to make other arrangements.

Good luck finding a suitable apartment!
Jeanne. you are so right. You have given me valuable input. When I address his going into the children's room his response is : THIS IS MY HOUSE !!! He reminds everyone of that fact every day. He sits on the couch all day monitoring who goes into the kitchen. When you sit down to address issues with him, He shouts : HOLD IT HOLD IT WHO IS THE OLDEST HERE ??? Bottom line is it is not working out. I do need a quiet place and my sanity. Whenever he talks to me he shouts claiming its his hearing problem...Yeah right.

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