I'm an out-of-state caregiver and I'm burnt out.


I have been in PA since Sept 16th came to visit and dad went to the hospital the next day. Im from Texas. I have a great christian boss and my job is not a issue. Praise God. Im here alone at dads house and visit him almost every day. My husband and sister came for about 10 days and went back to Texas. Dad is in rehab now and weaning off the ventilator and has a lot of physical therapy ahead of him. He is 80. There is not anyone here in PA that can go see him. My brother lives in Ohio and as stated earlier sister lives in Texas. Mom and dad are divorced. I can't stand the thought of leaving dad when knowing there would be no visitors. Or someone to keep up with the standard of care. Not everybody does there job well or enjoy it. I have seen a lot and at times it has been a good thing I was there with dad. I am filled with so many thoughts as to what needs to be done at dads house, and when do I go home. I am depressed and do have anxiety which I am currently taking medication for. When im home i can maintain this with just supplements but stress makes it much worse. The whole situation I find is exhusting and I want to go home badly. I feel there is not any good choice for me, stay or go I feel I will not have any peace of mind.

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I have many holiday memories of family. Now all children have families of their own, even grandchildren of their own. It is just my husband and myself. He is in an Alzheimer facility for 17 months now. It is very lonely during the holidays. Not able to take him out as his condition is frail now. I hear people who dread the holiday with family and all that goes with it. Not always pleasant either. But remember, there may come a day when you won't do that any longer and like me, you will probably greatly miss it. I will spend Thanksgiving with him and give thanks that he is still here, and I can visit him. Soon that will be gone too. I miss the old holidays, arguments and all.

It sounds as though you need a break. While your Dad is in rehab he is probably relatively safe on his own. You may want to spend this time visiting facilities where he could live close to your home. I spent a number of years trying to help my Dad by flying across the country 3x a year to set up nurses aids and other support systems. In the end, it was just too stressful and I was constantly worrying about him. My sister would go visit when she could, but it didn't feel safe for Dad. I agree with Timmyk48, it will be better for your Dad, for you, and for your family if he is closer to one of you. In August, I moved my, 90 year old, Father across the country to a senior living apartment. They provide meals and if he needs more nursing support that is available for a fee. They could drive him to rehab if he needed that. There are activities that are age appropriate and he loves them.

We were worried how Dad would make the transition. He has done great! It turns out that cooking was becoming stressful for him, but he did not want to say anything. His biggest complaint was that he was lonely. Now, he has lots of friends and activities that are age appropriate.

From my stand point, there is still a lot of support that I need to give. That includes getting him to the doctor, helping with grocery shopping, and the like. However, it is so much easier to do when he is local. Also, the comfort of being able to have a family member stop in 4-5 days a week to just see how he is doing or bring him home for dinner is priceless.

Take him home to Texas.Find an assisted living facility or if your husband is willing, in your home. You need to have a heart to heart talk with him that his living alone is no longer safe and you can't keep staying with him. I had to tell my dad the same thing and it broke my heart that I couldn't stay and take care of him. The caregivers were very caring but he said it was not the same thing as having his daughter care for him.the elderly don't want to move but maybe if you can take him home and find a nice assisted living facility and show him that he will be surrounded by others that are his own age, and that you can visit often, he make go. Good luck.

Four yrs ago I came to Florida from Georgia to help parents while Dad had spinal surgery. My mother already walked with a walker, but fell and broke her back the day after he finally came home. I have been here ever since.
Taking them back to my home in Georgia was not possible.
I would suggest taking him back to your home with you when he is able.
Either to stay with you or in a facility.

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