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We bought my widowed father in law's house and renovated the basement into our own apartment. Dad lives on the main floor. He's 86 and very independent. I am doing the cooking, laundry and occasionally help him do some if he heavier cleaning. I love him so much and he's such a great man, but sometimes he can be quite demanding and if he doesn't get his way he can say some pretty hurtful things. I know the logic behind the elderly acting out, but my heart and my feelings don't always listen to the logic :( My husband is my best friend and bless his heart, he walks this path right with me, yet to explain that his father can occasionally be like this makes me feel like I'm putting my husband in an impossible position. Can anyone else relate?

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He's his dad, not yours. He needs to stand up for you can get whatever help his dad needs that might help him behave better. Is FIL developing dementia? Has he seen his doctor lately? You don't tell us anything about his health in your post or on your profile. I would help to know more about his medical needs.

Your his wife and she should put you first.
CrazyHair, if someone gets on here and says they have been a caregiver and they never felt resentful or hurt, I wonder how long they have been delusional! Even if you understand the medical reasons and even if you are doing the caring freely and (mostly) with joy, you are human and you are going to have some hard feelings. You are so right that feelings don't listen to logic.

It is good to be able to share those feelings with someone who won't be judgmental and won't rush in to try to "fix" the problem. Sometimes you just need to vent! I can understand not wanting to vent with your husband. First, it seems disloyal, and like tattling. And you really don't want him to do something about his father, you just want him to comfort you and appreciate you.

Since your husband is your best friend and is walking this journey with you, I hope you can find a way to talk to him about your feelings.

A caregiver support group can be a wonderful way to learn that other very excellent caregivers have bad feelings about it from time to time. For you and your husband to attend together might be a great way to bring up the subject.

Venting here is allowed and encouraged! We understand it doesn't mean you don't love FIL or that you aren't a good caregiver. We've all been there.

If you'd like some advice about setting boundaries or otherwise dealing with FIL, start another post about that, and tell us more about his health status.

But as far as having occasional bad feelings goes, vent away!

Listen to Jeanne -- she knows what she's talking about. And please don't allow those feelings to make you feel guilty, too. As Jeanne says, it's normal to react the way you do when FIL says something hurtful (because those comments DO hurt). Keep in mind he may not realize his remarks are having that kind of impact, or may not be aware that he's even doing it. Yes, I think we all can relate to your post. You are so fortunate to have such a strong, happy marriage and that you truly love your FIL. You're way ahead of many of us, in that you have the most important elements in place: support from a loving, caring, attentive spouse, and your love for the person you are caring for. These can carry you through a tremendous storm.

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