My mother is 91 and a double amputee. I am the only one that take care of her even though she has a son.

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The things that my mother says to me and I am the one that changes her sh-----
diapers. My brother can come over and get anything he wants but he never ask what he can do for his mother. Last month a very close friend died-she was like a second mother to me. In my mind I asked myself why wasn't it my mother to died.. I know that is a bad thought but I have no life. She refuse to go in a home-not a thing is wrong with her mind-real sharp. Am i wrong to think this way.


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No, you are not wrong. You are human. You have more on your hands than you can cope with and still take care of yourself. Did this behavior start after her amputations or was she always this way?
Your brother is an occasional visitor, so she's charming to him. She vents her frustrations at you because you are there and she doesn't believe you will give up. But you may have to take steps to have her admitted to long-term care so you can then be a daughter and a visitor. She will fight this move, but you can't keep this up. You need some kind of life. Please talk with a counselor or someone who can help you work this through. You may also want to go online to to get contact information for the long-term care ombudsman in your community. He or she may be able to coach you about options. This information is available on your state website, as well.
Take care of yourself - if you don't you won't be able to take care of your mother, either. She needs to understand that.
Carole is so right in all she recommended. You have been a wonderful and caring daughter to your mother. Being the only one who takes care of her and it appears she has a multitude of needs. Isn't it just great when the sibling waltzes in and they can do no wrong as they do nothing at all anyway. My mother is like that about my sister living 3,000 - she is the glamour girl and has her own problems. Like you, I have a chronic pain related problem triggered by many things - stress the worst trigger. I could not get well when I was taking care of my MIL - I kept getting one thing after another; chronic migraines, high blood pressure, problems with my heart, etc.

So, I truly understand the struggle of being the caretaker of someone, who in many ways feels better than you do! I feel terribly sorry for your mother being a double amputee and incontinent. But, this situation cannot continue - something's got to give - and if it is you, then what happens to your mother?

My mother is in a nursing home facility and it is a lovely place. There are activities weekly that you can go to in your wheelchair - there is dining in a lovely dining room with French doors, similar to a restaurant. Also, entertainment on a weekly basis,etc. As far as I am concerned monitoring the care my mother receives, it is far better than being isolated at home. She sees people in and out on a routine basis, has made friends there, etc.

The best of both worlds is to be 91 like my aunt is and still living in her own place and still travelling around the country on various trips. She is in excellent health, not a complainer and was and is a wonderful mother to who 4 children she raised by herself as a single mom working as a nurse. This is not the norm, but she is very blessed. When our parents are not this healthy and have multitudes of problems, a nursing home is the solution. From what I read on this board, many of the elderly are not happy no matter where they are living; and many are tearing families apart due to their demands.

So, if you are agreeable to it; going to a nursing home is a good alternative that your mother may just have to adjust to. It is time. Blessings to you and take care.
Caring for your mother is a wonderful thing. You have done this above and beyond the call of duty. Now it is time to focus on your own health. Of course you will continue to love your mother, in spite of her apparent selfishness, and continue to see that she has good care. But that care cannot be provided solely by you. You are a worthwhile individual in your own right, and you deserve a chance at happiness and fulfillment.

A nursing home seems the likely answer, but possibly she would do well in assisted living, or even with paid in-home help. To help sort out the options, and the costs, and the way to proceed, contact your county's Social Services. A social worker can evaluate the situation and tell you about resources available.

True, your mother will probably not be happy about this, and may be mad at you, and say vile things. How will this be different from your everyday life?

The fact is, you have the upper hand here. Of course you will not use it maliciously, but let it empower you to do what needs to be done. Your mother may say she "won't" go into long term care. But she is dependent on you to stay in her home. If you decide that you are not going to continue to provide this level of care, she is going to have to make some other arrangement. Pay for people to replace your services, or arrange to go where the services are provided. She is free to make any decision she wants and can afford, as long as it doesn't include your services.

Your brother will probably put up a fuss, too. It may interfere with his ability to get anything he wants, and it may eat into any inheritance he expect to receive. Tough.

It will be hard to do what must be done. It is hard to do what you are doing now. The benefit of trading one hard thing for another is that once you are out of the sole caregiver role, things start getting easier.

Please take care of yourself!

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