In over my head with caregiving!

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I know that this post above regarding the couple who took care of her father for 15 years was back in 2009. I too, am dealing with a problem that appears to be so much worse than anything else in this world! I am an only child with no family and no support, no friends as I have isolated myself, drowning in deep depression and seeking psychiatry visits with meds to sleep, anti-depression meds, psychology appointments and counseling...I have given up my workouts being a fitness nut and body builder. I am only 42 years old and the last 3 years have been a my 78 year old father came from overseas at his disposal to his home in America. I had him evaluated, and advocating using all of my strength and power, found the rare brain disorder called NPH normal pressure hydrocephalus, where most doctors told me that he had Alzheimer's as the symptoms are exactly the same. Going through all the riffraff trying to get him the surgery to save his life in dealing with all of the medical bureaucracy, appointments, the emotion, finances, and the list is endless. It is now 3 years later...he got his surgery and as of the first of this year, I had decided to come take care of him surrendering my apartment. He is better, but the disorder was found too late, so there is permanent damage. He has left me with a nightmare and an international apartment that he owns that I know nothing about and he claims that he needs to go he can't even barely take showers on his own.

I am at witts end and about ready to have a nervous breakdown! His demands are great, he rehashes the past and we argue saying that I am jealous of him, and he has no appreciation for the fact that I care for him. He doesn't support me in anything that I do with him its all about $$ and he won't let me hire people to help him....even though I am POA. I simply don't have the heart to place him somewhere, but my health...mentally, physically, emotionally is at stake. I don't know what to do and I have reached out to everyone that I can image.

Thank you. LEE from Oregon


This is my first time on this site. My Heart is breaken for you. You for one need to step up and Be PROUD. You are a blessing to be able to take care of your Father. don't get me wrong it is so HARD.
I am a caretaker for my bestfriends Grandmother 86. None of her family wants to step up to the plate. They do nothing i mean Nothing with Her. Anyhow. I call her Granny. Ive known her for 20 yrs. She too has Alz. so she is not the person i knew so long ago. Ok. when i first started going over she was not sure about it. But the Daughter who has POA. (another issue) wanted me to come. I do get paid. So i slowly came over twice a week for like 1 hr. Granny always liked Breakfast. So we went out for Breakfast. I would call (not that she would remember lol) and say "Hey i'm stopping over why don't we go out for Breakfast" It was funny cause then it was her making the plan. The word is they want to be INDEPENDENT but they know they losing it.
So as you are POA get a priviate person. Someone you can trust (crzy wrld) Start slow, Then maybe a Dr visit here or there.
I will be praying for you and your Health and your Father. I hope this is helpful.
Lee, take a deep breath. There has to be an awnser somwhere. Where is his apartment? Does he have short term memory loss? The arguements of jelousy may be from his disease. If he is to hard to handle it is o.k. to get help and get him somwhere that can help him. If you have poa, you have the right to make decisions for him.
Thank you for your replies, as I am new here as well. I do have POA. I manage EVERYTHING...His apartment is in the Middle East and he has some short term loss...he is "moderate". I do have in home health coming....but it's not enough...I have a mental nurse Level 4 and another nurse to check vitals. And the Granny story is cute btw.. thank you for your blessings.
Hi Lee,
You have actual control, but you are letting him continue with being the 'man in control'.
Please remember he is possibly frightened and does not want to admit he has a weakness at this point. They are so resistant before they give in. Use the honey treatment instead of vinegar. Love him and communicate as much as possible to give him an opportunity to open up about what he is thinking and feeling.
Do not argue with him about anything. This is a test of your patience and understanding. You can do it. Use the discipline you use for body building, and apply that to dealing with your Father in a loving, compassionate way. Try a different approach than what you have been doing. I'm up late, too, in California:) Let us know what happens, Lee.
Hugs, Christina
Lee, You must be absolutely exhausted and emotionally spent. It sounds like you've had to fight to help your father for the entire 3 years (and with little help). As for your father, he's being a jerk, taking his anger out on you, but that is the norm. He's probably terribly angry because of his situation. If you are able to withdraw emotionally and to help him less, he will appreciate you more. My uncle is the same way and when he acts up, I do less for him. He then adjusts his behavior. As for the $$ situation, he sounds so suspicious & greedy. Why does he need to go to this apartment? Has he told you? Valuables? Or something he's hiding? Can you get a court order to give you power of attorney? You shouldn't have to pay for any of his care. If you had power of attorney, you could put him into respite care for a few weeks and then tackle the apartment issue. That must be a drain on his finances. It sounds like you don't need a nurse constantly. Are you hiring someone to stay with him and to help feed and bath him? It's so expensive for a nurse. I myself just bought a blood pressure cuff and just check my uncle's vitals myself. And I have someone come in to stay with my uncle and they check his blood pressure as well. Have you looked into respite care (for your sanity). Maybe you could get a couple weeks for free depending on your father's financial situation. I hope your situation improves soon!

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