One more online game of Solitaire and I just might go mad.
I hate weekend and holidays. BBQ's, the beach, picnics, boating...that's what all my friends did this holiday weekend. Where was I? Where I have for most every moment for the last almost 3 years. In my room playing online games. Usually I handle it better but last night my best girlfriends and Husbands and Boyfriends texted me from a restaurant on the beach. Sent me a picture and said I was missed. I have not stopped crying for the day. I sometimes have such anger and resentment about where I find myself. I feel that life is just passing me by. Although my Mother has so many medical issues that it is hard to name them all there is no one of them that is critical...just chronic. How long can I go on like this? When the end finally does arrive will I be just too old to go out and find all that I have lost over the years? No one seems to care about my life or my future. I do have a sibling, he is just married and expecting a baby but he is not local so I find myself in this alone. I cannot work so all my saving a being drained. Recently I began an online degree program so that eventually I will be able to work from home to provide for myself and yet still take care of my Mothers uncountable needs. she is not such a nice person and just expects that this is what daughters do? I pay rent here..alot of rent. I pay to do this job at the risk of all of my hard work for my own retirement. I hide it. No reason argiung with her or reasoning with her but I don't want her to see what her reactions and actions cause in me. I think it empowers her actually and I will be damned! So I fester and become more and more withdrawn and scared. I must say again that it awesome to find a forum where I can speak my mind. Does lessen the load and makes me see that there are others here in much worse conditions but during those long lonely nights and weekeds and holidays I feel defeated.