One more online game of Solitaire and I just might go mad.

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I hate weekend and holidays. BBQ's, the beach, picnics, boating...that's what all my friends did this holiday weekend. Where was I? Where I have for most every moment for the last almost 3 years. In my room playing online games. Usually I handle it better but last night my best girlfriends and Husbands and Boyfriends texted me from a restaurant on the beach. Sent me a picture and said I was missed. I have not stopped crying for the day. I sometimes have such anger and resentment about where I find myself. I feel that life is just passing me by. Although my Mother has so many medical issues that it is hard to name them all there is no one of them that is critical...just chronic. How long can I go on like this? When the end finally does arrive will I be just too old to go out and find all that I have lost over the years? No one seems to care about my life or my future. I do have a sibling, he is just married and expecting a baby but he is not local so I find myself in this alone. I cannot work so all my saving a being drained. Recently I began an online degree program so that eventually I will be able to work from home to provide for myself and yet still take care of my Mothers uncountable needs. she is not such a nice person and just expects that this is what daughters do? I pay rent here..alot of rent. I pay to do this job at the risk of all of my hard work for my own retirement. I hide it. No reason argiung with her or reasoning with her but I don't want her to see what her reactions and actions cause in me. I think it empowers her actually and I will be damned! So I fester and become more and more withdrawn and scared. I must say again that it awesome to find a forum where I can speak my mind. Does lessen the load and makes me see that there are others here in much worse conditions but during those long lonely nights and weekeds and holidays I feel defeated.


You don't have to do what you are doing. It sounds like you are way too young to be wasting your life sitting in your room - you need to get out and live your life. You should not be paying your mother rent to be her caregiver. I assume you have some form of income that allows you to pay her rent - so go pay rent somewhere else, and get a job. You stated that none of your mother's problems were critical - good. That means she won't die without your help. There are other resources out there for her - either you or she can look for them. You need to get about living your own life.
Ahhh. maybe I did not make it too clear. There are enough chronic issues to require a care giver. She is non ambulatory, cannot make meals for herself or get to the second floor to use the bathroom hence the commode that needs to be emptied twice a day. She is incontinent so there is plenty of laundry as she refuses to wear protection because they are uncomfortable. Then there are the 3 days a week to the wound care clinic and once a week to the lab and every 2-3 weeks we go to 3 other Dr.'s. Then there there are the blood transfusions that average every 2-3 weeks or so. Then there are all the odd tests for the blood loss that cannot be found and the monitroing of the nodes on her lungs. Then there are her Heart issues. Then her diabetes which no matter how careful I am her blood sugars are so out of whack....I could keep going but you get the idea. I appreciate the input but it not feasible. She definately requires a care giver. I do not mean to make light of her issues because one or a number of them will eventually end her life. Recently her PCP offered an estimation of 2 years. Should that be the case it will be be at this for 6 years. And yes, without a caregiver that end would be much sooner.
youll have your life back someday. just hope you meet someone whos missed out on a few years of intimacy themselves and are resolved to make up for lost time. ive been alone for 13 years and when i eventually meet someone i hope shes a nudist AND a nympho.
and you can always go read " cracked " on line every day. each day brings 3-4 new articles and if a laugh in possible in your day these writers will usually bring it out of you. the language is horrific and of course i love that..
Thanks Captain! Laughter is the best medicine and I will check out cracked sounds like my kinda read! As far as meeting someone I will hope I am not too old to appreciate it.
Peki, may I ask why you're paying rent? Is your mom paying rent and you both are splitting the cost? Or is she still paying mortgage? If this is the case, I can see why you're helping with the rent. But...still, it bothers me that you pay rent because you are also doing caregiving duties for her. If that is the case, I would not split the rent in half. I would split it where mom pays 2/3 and you pay 1/3. The reasoning is, you are also paying "rent" by manual labor of caregiving.

It's good that you're doing online courses. I've thought of that all the time. Except at age 47, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow old. So, I wouldn't know what subject to take online.

Your comment about no one seems to care about your life or your future sure hit me. Father is only interested that I'm here to take care of him. My siblings don't care that I am no longer able to have children, therefore no grands. They all think that this is the life I chose since I was age 23 - to be a caregiver for mom and now for father. Depressing thought.
Good Morning Book, my Mother still lives in the same house we have lived in for the past 48 years so it is the mortgage I pay but I pay more than I make each month so my savings are almost gone. I have always worked in the medical field so the course I am taking is medical coding and billing. I should be done in 6 months or so.
I did forget to add that I too am no longer able to have children. I am 57. Does not seem to matter as my 2 Brothers do have kids...My best friend has affectionately dubbed me Cinderella Nightengale. I know it is his attempt at humor and in it's way is humorous but you are sure right about it being a very depressing thought
Pekilove -
Do you ever need help!

Would one of your friends be willing to granny-sit so you could go out to dinner with the others? You would be asking for three hours, maybe once a year, from several friends. Some of your friends probably would never be willing, but maybe two or three might agree. For such a short period, you could leave her all set up, so the friend would just chat, get a snack for her, or watch TV until you get back.

Is your mother's income too small to pay the mortgage? Does she have any assets other than the house? You are already impoverishing yourself by not being able to work. Can you ask your brothers for financial support? these days no one has enough money, but could they each give you $300 a month toward her care? How about $100? That amount might make no real difference in your situation, but, in your shoes, I would feel better to be getting recognition from them of my efforts and sacrifice.

Have you looked into support services your mother may be eligible for? Was your father a veteran? Have you talked to your area council on aging? It's a pain that to get help, you first have to do more work, but it might turn out to be a real lifesaver. You might get help to put her into an ALF for a week's vacation, or maybe someone to come in for 3 or 4 hours so you can go get a break with friends. God bless you, and lift your spirits.
I'm older than you - 66 - and have had a pretty good life and have one child, bless her annoying little tush. I expect to live well into my 80's. My husband, 68, is starting in with Alzheimer's, and based on his family health, I would expect him to live another 10 to 20 years. You understand, I don't want him to die. At least not now, while he is still continent and funny and stimulating and sweet. But I don't want to spend 20 years tied to someone who needs 24/7 care as I get older and frailer myself. I want to get some fun out of my 60's and 70's and 80's.

I'm no saint. I don't want to feel trapped, and I don't want to start hating my husband, when I will have to oversee his care for the rest of his life. So I have to make my life un-trapped.

So I have decided that I need to have SOME fun now. He and I will take a real trip this year, maybe to Ireland. We take a lot of little trips in our region to do a little genealogy. If - WHEN - the time comes that he can't tolerate travel, I will somehow arrange at least one real break a year for myself. I will continue to have dinner with my "old lady" friends monthly. I have more money than some, but not an unlimited supply. I will "spend down" some of our resources to make life bearable now, at the risk of being impoverished a little early. Because I am alive now. I may not be alive in 10 years. If I die before or soon after my husband, I will go knowing that I gave myself permission to enjoy the day while I was alive.

Don't get me wrong! I still hold onto a nickel until the buffalo screams! But a bunch of flowers or a nice restaurant or a granny-sitter for a weekend seem like real good ways to avoid regret for life passing me by.

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