Nursing home "shame".

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How do we cope with my husband’s sibling who is trying to shame us horribly since we placed Mom into a long term care facility? It is a LONG story but my husband’s siblings financially exploited their parents. She came to live with us almost 3 years ago after Dad died and eventually my husband had to petition for guardianship and conservatorship. Mom has Alzheimer’s and in the last six months, we have seen her regress. She soils herself, the couch, the carpeting and then hides her used Depends all over. We tried regular bathroom breaks, but nothing was helping. A few weeks ago she asked if she should take her pills which surprised us as we dispense her medicine. She actually had found some small buttons and thought they were pills. For over a year, my husband and I took turns sleeping on a futon outside her room as she would wander at night and we were afraid she would get into something as we found scissors under her bed one day.
His brother has not called in over 2 years because we are pursuing criminal charges against him, but his sister has only been her 2 times to visit in all this time. When she calls Mom, it is clear she has no true understanding what Alzheimer’s is like (even though Dad also had it severely). Because Mom can tell her it is sunny outside and the weather is beautiful (even if it is 10 degrees), she thinks she is functioning just fine. She stopped communicating with us directly over 2 years ago because my husband asked her to help us get Mom’s funds back. Now she has called the police for a well-being check – telling them she has not been able to speak to her mother. This happened the day after my husband sent her an email saying we would not be available for a week. She had also just spoken to her mother 3 days prior. Now that she knows the facility she is in, she is sending us emailing telling us how shameful we are and leaving me voicemails saying, “SHAME, SHAME, SHAME”. This was one of the hardest decisions we ever had to make yet now we have to put up with this. Any suggestions?


First be content with your decision to a complicated multi faceted problem. Know in your heart, you did the right thing for everybody, yourself included. Then I would take the high road. I would reply, we did what we thought best for Mom's safety and health. She would love if you would visit her. Explain that caregiving doesn't stop because someone is in a nursing home. Offer to share the duties, doctor's visits, laundry etc, the expenses, toiletries, haircuts, little gifts etc, and the visits to ensure Mom is okay. Then if the emails continue block her from the site, just mark her emails as spam.

You don't have to allow anyone to make you feel small or second guess your decisions. Feel pity for her, but don't give her the right to shame you. If the high road doesn't work show her the door. Why is it the people who do the least criticize the most. If it helps I am proud of you. By your actions, I know you are a loving generous soul. I think you did the right thing.
Someone who leaves a voicemail saying, "Shame, shame, shame" is not mature enough to be dealing with a parent in a nursing home. And I would agree that you should take the high road, "We did what we think is best based on mom's need for greater care than we were able to give her." You don't need to answer the email and you don't need to explain yourselves over and over again. She's in the nursing home. It's done.
I would definitely go no contact with these people, block them off your email and don't answer the phone. You might even consider changing your phone number and making it unpublished. I would also contact your social services, along with the police, and advise them of what is happening so they're forewarned in case anyone tries to make trouble for you. You have done the very best for mom and she's now safe, cleaned and well fed. I've no idea how you coped for so long and until the problems with care giving became so severe.
good input from everyone so far but eyerish said it well imo. it dont pay to argue with simpletons. ignore them and theyll split in half like the rumplestiltskin charachter..
What ^^^^^ they^^^^^ said.
Captain you are too funny :)
No one has the right to judge you on how you deal with the caring of your parents plain and simple unless they think they can do a better job all the power to them! Just remove them from your e-mail they are giving you nothing but grief. Lots of hugs everything will work out!
Everything Ashlynne said, and since you have an attorney anyway, pay him an exxtra hour to send her a letter stating you if the harrassment continues that you will be taking legal action.
You do not have to put up with this harassment. You do not have to maintain contact. Continue to love and care for Mom. Ignore the sibs.
Read what you wrote to us. Read it through the eyes of a stranger.... then change your phone number. Take the advice that Eyerishlass gave you. Take the high road and know that you have done something that needed to be done not only for you, but for your mother as well. May you find peace and wisdom in the support you find here. Take care.

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