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I have been caregiver to my mom for almost 3 years now. During the majority of that time my girlfriend has been living with me and assisting with exercise, bathing, meals, shopping, etc. Still I shouldered the lion's share of these chores and others because she is MY mom after all. In the course of our relationship we have had our share of ups and downs just like any other couple, however over the last 6 months or so, I have noticed that she tends to be less "involved", almost as though she is a guest. She used to clean up the kitchen after I cook, but that doesn't happen any more. The floors won't get swept or mopped unless I ask her to do it or I do it myself. Trash won't get emptied unless I empty it. As a matter of fact, she walked right past a bag of trash on her way out the door this past weekend!! I could go on about some other things but essentially, I feel as though she could be contributing more since she is practically living here with me. And when I say contributing more, I'm speaking of those daily/weekly things that keep a household going. Not to mention the work to be done outdoors! The things that she does do I am grateful for, but there is so much to do. When we have spoken about these things before, she swears that she is doing a lot more than I give credit for and that she is giving me her all. Unfortunately I'm at the point that I feel like I might as well be there alone and take care of mom by myself. I have no family here so I'm it.

On top of that, mom insists that I pay my girlfriend so I give her a stipend every month on behalf of mom.

Am I being fair? Am I expecting too much from someone who is supposed to be my significant other?

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Hey Flyer, if it don't work out with the current sig other get the next one house broke fore he becomes the next S O. Longer road test.........
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Your girlfriend does a lot already. She sounds like a really good lady and you are a very lucky man.
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Not her household, not her mother and not your wife. Your expectations toward your girlfriend are way over the top. I am surprised she is still pitching in helping you. Me, I would have been long gone quite a while back.
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Windy, loved it when you wrote " I was housebroken early on".

As for how some of us gals wound up with such lazy guys, guess it was all the smooth talking while dating that got our attention, and promises of "sure, sweetie, I will do all the fix it stuff around the house"..... "I like doing yard work"..... I should have asked sig other to open the tool box and identify the items in the box before he moved in... it's been a few years and he still is baffled how that tool box opens.... and he has yet to take the rake out of the garage.

Can I get a refund?
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Ralph, the thing that jumps out at me is there's no mention in your post of what kind of life you and GF share outside of housekeeping and caregiving. How much time are you setting aside for being a couple? Dates? Vacations?

My SO and I have lived together 6 years, my Dad moved in 6 months ago. Somehow Dad thought that he had a higher standing in the household and more claim to my time than SO. Seemed genuinely baffled (and made a couple very ugly scenes) when I said no that's not how it works. Much as it annoys Dad, we regularly spend time together that does not include him. Took some reinforcing that when the bedroom door is closed we are not to be disturbed unless "it's on fire or bleeding". That when we go out to meetings related to a project we're both involved in, he is not welcome to tag along--and we're likely to stay out for lunch afterwards. (I do include him in some other trips to town, as well as drive him to his appointments.)

Also, as far as housekeeping, are you sure that you and she really agree on what truly needs to be done when? My mom kept a spotless house, so another big adjustment for Dad has been that neither SO nor I consider that a high priority. We share the chores when they do get done, but I made very clear to Dad that if he wants things cleaned more often or thoroughly, he needs to hire (and pay for) a maid service.
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Ya know, as I hit the send button on that last comment I had a bad feeling that I might get battered like poor Ralph, who I think posted this thread. Just sos y'all know, I get it, you're pretty much right about men and the division of labor.

Men of my generation grew up with doting moms that did everything. I don't think I ever made a bed till I was 30. I was lucky, or unlucky depending on your point of view, to usually end up in relationships and marriages, yes plural, with women who did not put up with much of the lazy dude stuff. I was housebroken early on.
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I wonder if all you gals could find a lawyer that gives group discounts? Why'd you marry all these lazy bums? Just sayin..........
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FF, I mentioned to a friend several years ago shortly after my sister died and my father was in a long term care hospital that I was so tired when I got home from driving between 3 homes and the hospital, and began to think perhaps I should have gotten married so I could have a nice home cooked meal. She burst into laughter and said - go to a restaurant! Forget about a husband!
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Once in my life *I* would like a hot meal already for me when *I* come home from the office.... [sigh].

Christine73, my sig other would want a parade so the whole community would know what a swell guy he was for doing his own laundry [1 load of clothes].

In the mean time, I am washing my clothes [2 loads as I separate whites from others]... two sets of sheets for 2 beds, 2 separate loads, and I'm the one dealing with the fitted sheets :P... all the bath/kitchen towels for the week... and the cat blankets/towels for the week. Do I even get a thanks? Nope.

Are we having fun yet? I went on a semi-strike one time, sig other didn't even notice things weren't getting done. Still on-strike with the porch lights, they went out, one a year ago, the other one 6 months ago, waiting to see how quickly sig other offers to replace the bulbs.... come on, light bulbs shouldn't be THAT difficult.
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One more interesting fact. Single women are the longest livers. Followed (in this order) by married men, married women and single men. So by getting married, a man improves his life expectancy while destroying the poor woman's who has now become his "caregiver." Thing is, he will never grow up and leave the house!
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