Not sure what I need...

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This forum is new to me, but caregiving isn't. I am living in my parents' home, caring for my Dad who is currently under hospice care. He's been in a steady decline for about 3 years now. My mom is in good health, although she is showing signs of slight dementia (she has trouble finding the right words and he memory isn't what it used to be). I am living with them for several reasons: I can't afford to live alone, for one. Another is that I am the only sibling who is "available." I have a waitressing job 5 nights a week, and I barely have the energy to put on my uniform. I am exhausted all of the time. I don't eat well, and I can't sleep without medication. I feel guilty because, of all my parents' kids, I am the laziest, but I am all they have right now. I am 46, and my father is going to be 95 this month, so I have been "grieving" for him since....forever. I never thought he would live this long. At times, I get angry that he is still living, and it makes me cry to even say that. I love him with all my heart and I will be devastated when he is gone, but I know that he sort of wishes he were gone by now. Does that make sense? When he does die, I will have my mother to look after. I dread that. I used to make plans to move away, and I actually did that a few years ago, only to be heartbroken and return home. I have accepted the fact that caregiving is my "destiny" for the next few years, at the very least, and have postponed any dreams indefinitely. I feel constant guilt. I understand that everything I feel is quite normal for what I am going through, but I just had to say this all out loud.


It often helps me to write down my thoughts, so I understand how therapeutic it can be. It doesn't sound as if you are asking for any advice, so I'll just welcome you to the forum and invite your continued participation in whatever way works for you.
You will have your dreams again, keep dreaming, keep planning.
See a doctor about being tired, did you forget that you matter too?
AT, go to the search box in the upper right and search for "wish they would die". Many caregivers feel as you do. And I think it is especially common for caregivers to those with dementia.

You need to start looking at facilities for your mother now. Your Dad's death is going to take quite a toll on your mom. Do not be surprised if you mother does not remember your father has passed. This will be very hard on you. Make plans for yourself now, figure out what you will do. If mom has dementia caring for her is going to get much more difficult.

I know this will be hard to do with your dad on hospice. Ask hospice workers for help and support for yourself, that is also part of their jobs. You may also want to contact the Area Ageny on Aging. They have information on all resources available to help you.

You should also check into care for mom while you work. If she has dementia the point will come when you cannot leave her alone. And when your dad is gone she will probably enjoy the company. That person should be paid with mom's money. Also look into some caregiver support groups through the Alzheimer's Association and some assisted living communities have them as well.

This must be very difficult and I am sorry you are going through this. Find the support you will need. Dies the hospice have a grief support group? Most do. That would be helpful to you and mom
For someone only 46, your story sounds as if your life is already over and will be beyond devastation when each of your parents die.

Along with the advice about ideas about your dad's care and your mom's care, you need to be making some plans for your own care for your own future financially along with your own mental and physical health. I realize that your not asking for advice, but you sound depressed, burned out and in need of help. I hope you find some. Your world sounds like it's caving in on you and that is not good for you or for them. I can't really see that such a dead end is "your destiny" That's passively, fatalistic. Please take care of you by being proactive.
Thank you all for your kind words! I know my Dad would not want me to give up on my dreams, so I am going to start making small plans for the future - plans that are doable for now. I will speak to the hospice people regarding my mom and what will come next. I've been reading a lot of posts on this forum, and it's comforting to know that others are going through similar situations, and that I'm not going crazy.
Although, I too am fairly new to being a full time caregiver, and new to the site, I welcome you.

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