It's not just the dementia I've got to deal with.

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dad is a landlord too and I don't want to be one. His tenant in one of his rentals died there (I found him) and so no we have to find a new tenant. The rental is a 22 yr old mobile home that has never had the carpet changed. It needs to be cleaned up and has some other issues. Dad just wants to the "old cheapo" way he used to but I want to get a decent tenant in. One who hopefully will pay the rent on time, won't lose their job or take pictures with dad and saying that the property belongs to HIM and put it on facebook!!! (One previous tenant took pictures with dad and posted them on facebook saying "Our ranch, Smith Ranch") Of course dad was oblivious to what was going on. So...we just had a fight, I got mad at him because he doesn't want to do things the right way and I do and he says "IT'S MY DAMN HOUSE". Well, ya it is, but YOU cannot do anything without MY and my husband's help!!!!! I have watched for the last 18 years since mom died (almost 19 now) that property go from being a acre park like setting (we lived there for 8 years and helped care for it) to a piece of junk with dead yards, weeds everywhere and dad's crap sitting outside everywhere and yet he thinks he can get someone decent to live there and pay rent to do it.
So I yelled at him, got mad, packed up my husband and 17 yr old son who was there doing YARD WORK while we were going to put down new lino in the rental and wash down walls (just to get started) and LEFT to drive the 90 minutes home. of course, then the guilt sets in.....and I cry and cry. Dad is alone. My mother and two brothers are dead. My good for nothing niece who lives 30 minutes away does NOTHING for dad. She can't even bother to return his phone calls. I'm so mad and then I feel guilty. And I am tired. I'm 59 years old with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I can't do the work I used to (and believe me I have done the WORK for both my parents). How do I get over the guilt of leaving him. He won't hire anyone to help. It is so depressing to go there. The guy who died, well, his kids left half his crap there and now dad is going through all of it and dragging that crap into his house, the one that I try to keep nice and clean because it is where we stay when down there. Oh, and dad is alcoholic which just adds to the fun.

5 Comments

Janny, if your Dad wants to own investment property and be a hands-on landlord, he either has to do all the work himself, or hire someone. If he hires someone, he can write that off as a business expense.

If your Dad doesn't clean up the place and replace the carpet, he's not going to get the quality tenant he wants. Gosh, I use to replace the carpet and re-paint between each tenant. And I used a Realtor to find the tenants for me, as they would do the credit background checking, etc. It was well worth the fee they charged, always had excellent tenants.

I know you feel you want to help out your Dad, but what do you really get out of this except grief from butting heads with your Dad on how the property should look. If you were a co-owner of the home, that's one thing, but it sounds like only your Dad owns the place. Time to stop enabling your Dad. Your Dad won't hire anyone because he has you and your husband doing all the work for free.

Maybe your brother's daughter has the right idea, she's not enabling her grandfather. And maybe there are reasons why she's not returning his calls.
I agree with FF. You can only help people who cooperate. Stay away. If he calls, tell him you ll help him hire help, but you can't allow caregiving to dirupt your family's life this way.
I hear you. But how do you just stay away and let things go to pot ? He had been driving without his new registration tags on his truck, risking a ticket. Do i just let the chips fall where they may because he has dementia ? Oh and the niece is s taker. She's jonny on the spot to get things from papa but never does anything for him. I know, he is allowing that to happen. True.
Janny, your Dad is going to do whatever he wants.... remember, us grown children are still just "the kid", and what do we know :P

My parents are also very stubborn and hard headed when it cames to things. Eventually I had to stop enabling them to see if they would change. Nope, status quo... until a medical emergency became the changing point. Then I was able to step in and be the one with common sense.

How I wished I would have known to do that years ago, that would have saved me many a sleepless night and turning into a basket case. You need to do what another poster would have said "don't give a darn" about what happens in order to survive this journey.
Janny, I had an uncle that lived next door to my parents. His place was always popular with the local lay-abouts because it was one giant man cave, they could sit and drink and scratch and talk with vulgar language because there was no one with any morals who came near. My uncle let the place fall down around him, there were rats, holes in the walls and I don't think anyone had cleaned in 20 years. When he finally died the buildings were all torn down because they were too far gone to fix. I understand the shame of having someone like that in the family.
The thing is he CHOSE to live that way, and there was nothing family could do or say that would get him to change. Every time someone stepped in to clean up and set things right he would just slide right back. I only stepped in after he ended up in the hospital to try to make the house livable so he would be able to come back home. I suggest you do the same for your father. Detach, focus on your own family, and wait for the inevitable crisis. Perhaps he will be as lucky as my uncle was, he had only been back home a few days when he had a massive heart attack while hanging out with his buddies. You can't ask for a better way to go in my opinion.

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