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Aetain, I am the 5th child of 8 kids. My parents almost practically had 1 child each year for the older kids. Then years went by when I was born, then my younger siblings were like one year after the other. So, as a middle school teenager, I was already babysitting my oldest sisters kids. When I was in high school and college, I was babysitting 2 of my older brothers kids (total of 6) and juggling homework. My older siblings got to go out at nights to the bar, pool, parties, etc.. while we were forced to babysit.

So when I reached age 19, I realized that I never wanted to have children. Even when my younger siblings were having children, I had no regrets. And it drives me crazy when family, relatives and even strangers(!!!) ask me why I don't have kids. Why???? I just tell them that I had decided at age 19 that I wanted to have no kids and I’ve never regretted it. And they just don't drop it. They keep asking more and more questions. I just keep repeating my answer.

It's a very very good thing that I never wanted kids. I had to have a medical hysterectomy due to severe stomach pains from a severe endometriosis. When they did the biopsy of my ovaries. It was covered outside with polyps, and plenty also inside. I don't know if I ever had a child if he/she would have been born handicapped. Before my hysterectomy, I spent hours of research online on the pros and cons. I even googled what women experienced after the hysterectomy. A lot of them did not want to have children. After the surgery, a lot of them regretted it. The hysterectomy was a FINALITY. No turning back. And it hit them that deep down inside, they did wanted children. When I read those stories, I looked within myself. No, I still didn’t want to have children. After the surgery, I was so scared that I was going to end up like those women. What if I was fooling myself? Nope! I was true to myself. It’s now 6 years since the hysterectomy, and I still have no regrets.

Maybe next time, when they mention that so-and-so had child number 4, you can respond, "Good for her! She must be happy to have another child." And if they ask what about you, just shrug and say over and over that you both don't want kids. And look them straight in the eyes. Sometimes, using "that tone of voice" that mothers use can convey that enough is enough. And for them to back off. It does work. =)
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Aetain~Glad you and the hubs are getting a date night and enjoy some things together at home. My in-laws had to put their 2cents worth on everything my hubby and I did. I know this has nothing to do with having kids, but it does have to do with family does not respect your choices or boundaries. I did what Jeanne suggested, I did not let them know what we were doing and I limited my time around them because when I was around them, it was one remark after another about they did not approve of how I was raising my children. The KEY words here are "my children"...not their's. Alas, they thought they had ownership rights to my children because they carried the family name. I was just an incubator for them. Do what is best for you and hubs and what makes you happy. You have the support from your parents and in-laws...the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th cousins...well they just don't know you but because your family they think everyone thinks the same.
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BTW I REALLY wanted kids and I am so happy I didn't have any now. I think you may need to be REALLY rude to the family and say "WE ARE NOT HAVING CHILDREN & I WON'T BE AROUND YOU IF YOU MAKE INTRUSIVE COMMENTS AND REFUSE TO ACCEPT OUR CHOICE. IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE. (Caps were accidental), I think you and your hubby are so lucky to have found each other because so many people aren't on the same page re that decision. And I don't hold my tongue -- I would give it to them!
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I've never been married or had kids. I wanted kids, but I couldn't have done it alone. The one thing I have noticed with friends is those who don't have children have better marriages. If you don't want them, don't let ANYONE push you. It's none of their business. It's rude to ask anyone about it at all anytime because I did that one time & my friend was infertile. Another friend went through in-Citroen & everything (she has money. It didn't work. They ended up adopting a few years later, and said becoming a parent was the biggest mistake she ever made. Though she is a very good one nonetheless.
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Wow! You have incredibly rude relatives! I'd avoid those people as much as feasible without starting a family war. You don't need anyone's approval of your life decisions. You seem to cope with this well.

And, having done both, I can tell you that raising children and caring for the elderly are NOT remotely the same. That is neither here not there regarding your right to make the choices you make, though.

What really puzzles me is what the heck you are doing caring for Grandma?
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everyone who has kids is not necessarily a parent. ive seen little kids all but lighting themselves on fire for attention while the adults sat around congratulating themselves on what great parents they were.
my youngest son told me as a young adult that i was never around. i told him BS, i was right out in the garage building things that you needed to learn. its you who wasnt around. he was just trying to trip me. our family was the closest in the world and lived on a 3 wheeled motorcycle for 9 months a year..
i jump around, its just a fact.
anyway as a father your sons will at a point push you away to live their own lives. ( wink ) go son, run like the wind. ( annoying ba**ard, go away, lol .. )
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My mum and dad are fine with not being grandparents (which is huge relief since I'm an only child) and my in-laws are fine with their son not having children because their daughter has already given them two grandsons, and we have a pretty common surname so it's not like there isn't gonna be anyone without our surname any time soon. Our parents are actually some of our biggest supporters in this choice. It's mostly my husband's cousins who give us a hard time. At least we only see them maybe twice a year (Christmas and random family BBQs in the park that my father in law likes to plan) so we don't deal with it often. I have those annoying cousins hidden on facebook so I can't see their posts, but every now and again I get messages with stuff like "Cousin #4 is pregnant again! You're falling behind!" which I just ignore.

As for my extended family, I don't allow them to weigh in on this since apart from mum's sister and her husband, and one cousin from my dad's side (all of whom are childfree as well), they're all petty crooks and con artists, so I don't have any contact with them. Half of them don't even know I'm married.

And my husband and I were married for 2.5 years before I became my grandma's carer. Just had our 4th anniversary last Wednesday and mum looked after my grandmother all day. She looks after my grandmother at least one night a week so my husband and I can have a date night. We're both big into computer games as well so usually once I've put grandma to bed, we'll sit on our computers and play games together, so we do spend time together doing things we both enjoy quite often.
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Aetain~Having children is a personal choice. I understand that people tend to think that we get married to have children...but really, is that why we get married? Woman are having children by artifical insemination as well as just not using birth control. Being 56 years old, to me getting married is starting a life with my life partner. If you 2 chose not to have children, family should respect that decision. I do have to add, that if my children decided not to have children, I would be disappointed because I want so much to be a grandmother, but I would respect their decision and not pressure them. Older people just assume that children will follow a marriage and for them to get their mind around you not wanting child ren will be very strange for them to accept. For the difficult members, you may have to set boundaries on the subject and just not discuss it with them.

I do hope that since you and your husband are still very young, that you get to have time alone enjoying activities together through some type of respite. I don't know how long you have been married before you took on the responsibility of caring for your grandmother, but please try to have time for yourselves. Blessings to you!!
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I wish more parents were like you. You seem to understand that my choice isn't an attack on yours and that at the end of the day, my not wanting to be a mother has no impact on you at all. So many parents don't understand that. They seem to think that I'm saying my life is better than theirs and that they have to go on some crusade to change my mind. I honestly don't care if someone has 0 kids or 20 kids, that's their choice and has no impact on my life at the end of the day.

As for the well-intentioned old biddies, most of the people that put pressure on my husband and I are his cousins who are all in their 20s, very condescending and all have kids of their own. The youngest is the worst for it. She has 4 kids at 23 and says things like "I hope your birth control fails so you and (husband) are forced to finally grow up and be responsible". Every time I see her at a family thing, she tries to make me the babysitter for all the kids there (11 kids ranging from 2 months to 8 years) so I "get practice" or she tries to force me to hold one of her kids, which I'm terrified of since I've dropped a baby in the past (it spit up on me and it was a reflex). I'm just lucky that my husband, his parents and his sister back me up when I say no.

My mum made a similar joke about showing people my hubby's vasectomy photos and he said "Go one better, carry around a jar with water and 2 walnuts in it and offer to show them that!"
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I would be as annoyed as you. But people are well-intentioned. They don't understand that commenting and talking about how you don't want kids is extremely rude and intrusive. There is nothing wrong with not having kids. I got married, I had a baby. That's what I thought I was supposed to do. Lucky for me my daughter turned out great. She's 20 now so she's raised and I thank God I don't have another around to raise. I got lucky because she was so easy to raise. I don't even like kids but that's the type of thing you can't say out loud in mixed company because people will look at you like you're an axe murderer or something.

And because I've raised a child and been a caregiver I can tell you that they are so light years apart. The next time some old biddy tells you that caring for your grandmother is good "practice" for "later", tell her your hubby had a vasectomy and then offer to show her the before and after pictures.
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