Is anyone else not having kids (childfree/childless by choice)?

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I've don't remember ever wanting to be a mum. I'm turning 27, my husband is turning 30 this year and the pressure is on to pop one out. We just shrug these people off and say "We don't want kids. Didn't want them when we first met 8 years ago, still don't want them now" and try to change the topic, but people just don't understand that we mean it. H**l, we're saving up so he can a vasectomy for his 30th birthday. We're lucky that the family we're in contact with (our parents, my mum's sister and my husband's sister) don't give us pressure and totally support our decision, but his extended family is relentless.

The pressure seems to have gotten worse since caring for my grandmother. They don't realise that this is a full time job. She has dementia and she's violent. Even if we wanted kids, we wouldn't want to raise one around her because she's scary and abusive. Plus, the costs of caring for her mean we live on the poverty line. We live week to week and throwing a pregnancy then a kid into that mix would put us below the poverty line.

When I say I basically do everything a mum with a toddler does and I couldn't deal with a kid as well, I get told "It's not the same" because the generations are around the wrong way. I didn't realise that changing her diapers, feeding her, bathing her, clothing her, dealing with tantrums, stopping her from hurting the dogs and cats, having kids shows on TV all day cos they keep her happy/calm, being up 4-5 times a night because she's calling out, not allowing her off the toilet till she's done her business, cleaning up her mess, and having food thrown at me was totally different to being a parent because she's 85 instead of 3 and she didn't come from my body.

The only way I can see caring for my grandmother as different to being a parent is that I don't like my grandmother and generally, people actually like their kids. She was abusive to my mum and aunt till mum was 18, moved out of home and took her then 10 year old sister with her. My grandmother has always been a nasty piece of work and I'll never forgive her for what she put my mum and aunt through. I'm lucky that my mum broke that cycle of abuse and is still an amazing mum and woman, and I'll always be grateful for that. Mum was showing signs of depression and heading for a breakdown, so I took over as my grandmother's full time carer. I'm literally doing this for my mum, not my grandmother.

We always get comments like "Caring for her is practice for having kids" and "Don't you want her to have her great-grandchildren around her?" and the one I hate the most "Who will do what you do for her when you're her age?". I hate it so much because I can't help but think having a kid to look after you when you're old is a pretty crappy reason to have created a human being, plus I wouldn't want to force what I do on anyone.

I'm not looking for support or anything, I'm not wavering in the slightest about my decision to be childfree. I've been dealing with people telling me "You'll change your mind" or "Your body clock will kick in when you're near 30 and you'll want 10 of them" or "Every woman wants to be a mother, even if they say they don't, they secretly do" for over 2 decades and if anything I've become more childfree in that time. I was just curious if anyone else here got more pressure when they became a carer. It seems odd to me that people would see being a carer as "practice" or dismiss it because "it isn't the same" and wanted to know if it seems to be a common thought.

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To Samara,
You better hope you have caregivers from a different faith from you! If they acted like you, you'd be left in the corner sitting in your dirty diapers because you are of a "different faith"! Additionally, I've seen so many people, especially Southern white Christians, spend more time in church than in science classes! That's helping to destroy our economy and our future! Why do you think we have doctors from elsewhere, that our kids' proficiency in math and science drops lower every year compared to those of so many other countries? The reason is that they value education more! Wake the hell up!!
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Samara, my dear mother had many caregivers from cultures other than her own before she died. Most were wonderful - none were terrible. My mother grew very fond of some. Of course mom was loving and accepting of others - your mileage may vary.
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Hello SlaterVixenCare,
When I read your comment I thought it made good sense and was not hurtful. My childhood was different from yours, and I am so sorry for what you've experienced. I have depression. I feel for you and hope you continue to heal for yourself. I've thought too of the restrictions that life unintendedly brings. I've never wanted kids, so I can't help you there. I tutor, and rescued animals, and other things that were good places for me to put my love. I thought about being a Big Sister, but that's not for me. Keep fighting the good fight to heal for YOU! That way I'll know I'm not the only one. It seems that I was in need of your help in my thinking. Thank you for writing here.
Best wishes!
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Cwillie, thanks for asking , that's not what I meant though. I'm saying, if you remain childless by choice, you are basically saving yourself and a future child a lot of stress. You know you have other plans, or it wouldn't be a wise idea or you're fine without one. If you chose to have a child and really didn't want one, it could open up a lot of negative possibilities. In the end the child suffers and they have to work hard to heal from that the rest of their lives.

This is based on my own experience and observations. When I just looked back at what I wrote, i just see how bitter I'm really feeling right now. Please don't take my words to much to heart. I'm just feeling very upset, and injusticed these days and just don't know what else to do with myself anymore.
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"it's best for people who are fully capable of love to have children, than those who struggle or are not."

Perhaps you didn't mean that statement the way it comes across to me, but are you seriously saying remaining childless by choice proves those individuals are incapable of providing a loving home?
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I actually wanted to adopt children and be married in my youngest years, (the dream, not the actually having children), and as I'm now 27 I'm now very concerned about whether my dream is even a reality anymore. I grew up with alot of psychological abuse and some physical abuse and then dealing with bullying in school years. It's really has me concerned. Having to take care of my parents and now trying to find a way for them to be placed, I've found I've often cried that that the damage that was done would ruin my chances of being a parents like I've dreamed for many years. I do well with children, and have helped a few around my age those years ago, I've also helped give perspective about how to care and understand children and couples themselves. But I wasn't blessed with a healthy relationship. This is apart of the therapy I've been participating in is in getting myself healed so I can atleast live, but I still shed a tear that the chances of me being a stable health father in future is looking extremely slim. I know I can be afford freedom of movement when i have money to travel and other things like that, but it was always a goal to SHARE my life.

Caregiving has taught me more than I ever wanted to know, surviving abuse has taught me more than I wanted to know, and that's eventually facing the truth that, I may not be able to live my dream life.

If you don't want children then there is really nothing wrong with that, so many children I being abused, mistreated, neglected and killed because they weren't wanted, it's best for people who are fully capable of love to have children, than those who struggle or are not.
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I find nothing odd in your choice and you should ignore people who tell you how you should or will feel. I am 62 years old and i never wanted children. I had a stepchild who was a dear. I saw him every weekend for the seven years i was married to his father. Despite the good experience, I still didn't want children. My biological clock never ticked. Taking care of my mother for the past 16 years has been a grueling task nothing like childcare. I would never want a child of mine to do this. I will simply have to arrange my own care in a way my mother never bothered. Not everyone wishes to be a parent. Child free people are not bad or selfish.
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I am more of a cat person.... if the cats become too annoying I can bring out the vacuum cleaner, which results with the cats hiding under the bed for a couple of hours.... too bad that doesn't work on children or our elders :P
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Aetain, I had to laugh when you said you dropped the baby. It's not funny, please excuse me, but it reminded me of a situation in my life one time. My, well to be polite, husband and I went out to one of his son's house to pick up a dog. To rescue him!! And his girlfriend's 2 yr old started walking toward me (by this time I had the dog in my arms and was totally living on him) and I think it must have shown on my face how much I didn't want him near me!! I started backing away to the point where I was trapped in a corner!! It was just too funny!! I also chose not to have children for many reasons. I have found that if I tell people " I just didn't get lucky like that) they have pity on me. And stop talking about it for the most part. Good for you for knowing yourself. BRAVO!!!
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Don't let anyone's comments or urging you to have a child change your mind or bother you. This is a decision you and your husband have made together. People perceive it as normal for married couples to have children, especially after they have been married for 5+years. The family may misunderstand the situation and may think on spouse has a desire for children the other doesn't. They will try to guilt the other one into changing their mind, for the other ones sake. In their mind they believe they are trying to help. You and your husband should talk to them and explain you are both mutual on this life decision and if you ever decide on having children they will be the first to know, but it unlikely and you would both appreciate it if they would lay off. I don't blame you, I'm the same way. Everyone I know has children and always ask when I'm going to have a few. I say never. I'm not married but have been with the same man for ten years. We are happy and content with life and that's all that matters. I have been told I'm a bad woman because I don't want kids. The fact that I will not bear children has nothing to do with my character. I would not get pregnant and abort a baby like some people and I will not have a child to pawn off because I work all the time or can't afford to take care of my children. I think it speaks a lot to my character that I am able to realize the life decisions I'm making and how it would affect the Child. People have kids because "it's the thing to do." Then they don't even know what to do when the child arrives and the child is never given the proper care to grow up and be normal and high functioning. Children require time, money, and 100% of your attention. I am happy living a long life with the man I am with and that is all. We travel all the time. We go places and stay for weeks at a time, you can't do that with kids. I will admit I am selfish, I care too much about my own happiness and I love life the way I am. I have never had an attachment to any baby. I like older kids about 4-7, but you can't just get a kid at the age you want. I do not have any desire to be a mother ever. I've never wanted to be pregnant. Even as a teenager when every girl in my school was getting knocked up I never thought about it happening to me. I had sex and did all the same things I was just responsible enough not to bring another life into my young life. When I grew up my first serious relationship was with a man whom wanted kids more than air and that was ultimately why we broke up. I never budged. Then I met my boyfriend now and we agree on everything especially not having children. We are so happy an focused on ourselves, it's amazing. We work hard and can spend out money on whatever we want, we even invest our money. We do everything that every other family does but our family is only 2. Be happy, this is the only life you will live, live it your way
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