Not cut out for the job.

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How do I learn to change the way I feel about caring for my mom? I'm only 55, I have more than a full-time job, and I'm so tethered to my mom existence now.. My mom is in my house, vulnerable, demanding, impolite to me (not others), and she needs a lot of care - the only thing she can do for herself is wipe her nose and eat. If she's cool or warm at nighttime she doesn't adjust her blankets - she grunts until someone comes - you'd think someone was killer her. She has dementia. She's not my mother any more. I know in relationship she is my mother, but I don't feel like she's my mother - I feel like she's an intruder and I am a hostage.

How do I look at things differently??? I am the one with the problem. I know she can't help herself. What do you do to make it work?


There are a zillion books out there about caring for someone with dementia, that may help, but maybe you're just unable to care for your mom. Don't beat yourself up about feeling the way you do. Those are your feelings and they're valid, they matter.

If your mom literally can't do anything for herself except wipe her nose and eat it may be time to look into a nursing home. If she's in a nursing home you will get some distance from her and you can go and visit and not have the additional responsibility of caring for her around the clock.

Many, many people in this situation feel as you do. You're not alone.
Thanks Eyerishlass. I want to be able to do this. I made a promise years ago that she wouldn't go in a home. However, I didn't imagine a mom with dementia and 24/7 care. My bad, but more like I never imagined this would happen. Thanks also for validating my feelings.
LastOne, I too made that promise but after 25 years and twice "saving" my mother, I threw in the towel. I could not take care of her and work full time to prepare for my retirement. Almost three years ago, I placed her in Assisted Living. I am guilt free, because I know that I could not do it one more day.
You can't be held to a promise that was made years ago. If we only had a crystal ball at the time! Situations change and there just comes a time to let the professionals take over, One person cannot do dementia/alz 24/7. Best wishes!
You look at the situation differently because it is different from what you envisioned when you made a commitment. Your mother has changed, it's time for you to change too, and not feel obligated to continue a situation which has become untenable for you.

Now your perspective is to find the best living arrangement where someone can care for her 24/7, as it's too much for you to do that now.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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