Non-cooperative elderly dad.
My dad is 88 yrs old and over the course of 20 plus years has been taking care of(enabling) a younger woman that has past felony drug records,and now he has made her his caregiver which she is the one who needs the care as well. My dad is extremely protective of this so called caregiver and has given her his word that he will provide her a place as long as he lives,but now he has requested his family that in order for himself to have peace, my dad wants the family to take care of this woman for the rest of her life. My dad refuses to come stay in my home so that I can properly care for him, and refuses to divulge any document that would demonstrate his legal allocation of her as his caregiver, or give me copies that I would be able to carry out his wishes in the event that something were to happen to him ( example. an advance directive, since he does not wish to be put on life support) I have no way of knowing whether or not his dr's have this document as my dad refuses to give me a copy of what he says his caregiver and dr.'s have. He has said 3 times now that he would get it for me, but I haven't received these documents yet. And when I ask for these documents, my dad gets very defensive, and indignant towards me as well as other family members. My dad has financial needs and has not refused any family members financial offers but any assistance given him has more than contributed to meet this caregivers needs and not his own needs. In other words, he sacrifices his own needs to see to hers. This violates his families consciences that we feel that we will not enable her to her own self-destruction or possible drug habits. My dad says she is not on anything anymore. But who would really know? My family or myself do not wish to contact any protective agency as we feel this would put our dad in his grave. He has a very strong emotional attachment to this woman due to his experiences growing up where his mother was committed to a mental institution by her family when my dad was an impressionable age of 10 yrs old. My dad lives to this day suffering from guilt over something that he had no control over concerning his mother and somehow he thinks that if some man would have just been there to see to her, she wouldn't have been done that way. Therefore, he is trying to reconcile what happened to his mother thru this woman. This situation now, due to his age, lack of funds, and now his health, he refuses to recognize his own need for true care giving. And my last plea for him to come live with me, let this woman have his place and send her whatever money you think necessary for her to have, he says, "Who's going to maintain his home if he leaves?" His home is in such need of repair that collectively the family can not afford to repair it, nor will a bank lend money against it for repairs.But none the less, my dad needs care and refuses to relinquish to his family to care for him unless it includes her. We all agree that we don't want to take him from his home as it would be too distressing to him and he would definitely view our actions as taking away his purpose, taking away his place, removing his independence and dignity. And we do not wish to dishonor him in that manner, but on the other hand, how do we, now that it is so very obvious that he has gotten himself over his own head and ours, help our dad that refuses to budge, he is of sound mind and still able to decide for himself, but will not leave her unless we agree to carry her for the rest of her life. Is there any one else out there that has found themselves in this same predicament?