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This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.

I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.

Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.

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Coyote, Pool, swatting flies? Got any extra chairs?

We all need to vent sometimes.
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I just noticed I can't delete or edit those, so, let me say... I am sorry for venting. I know my situation is nothing like yours, you folks have much worse, deal with real problems... But is just... I am feeling frustrated. At my end's meet. I just sent an email almost begging for a meeting with some business partners, anything to be away for a day.
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As I Said on another thread , woke up too early... And so my mother. She demanded me to spend the morning at her side. Since she has sighting problems, I bought some short stories books to read her, she asked about the thik novel I am reading. Spent the morning reading. Lunchtime.
Her : I am mad at you.
Me.: Why?
Her: You are not eating such and such.
After half day without having a say even in what comes in my mouth, she asks for her tablet. Instead of Netflix I pay for she asks for alien videos on YouTube.
Her: but stay here with me.
Finally my father arrives (There's no sunday or day off near hollidays) , I think about some alone time, another 15 minutes my SIL arrives with her 2 daughters to use the pool.
MY MOTHER: son, go stay with them, I am not feeling well And someone needs to be host.

So... I am outside, sweating, flies around , fighting the phone autocorrect and playing lifesaver
Sheesh!
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I’m completely exhausted...I was notified on Thursday that the closing on my FILs house sale was the next day, and the owners were moving in at noon. Our team had been told next Friday so it was a mad scramble on Thursday to get rearrange schedule, notify utilities. I was already slammed at work. Anyhow, we got it done....sad, tearful but completed. DH and I were emotionally spent last night, and we’re planning our new Christmas Eve tradition.

No more texts from BIL about rising interest rates and why weren’t things moving faster. Now it’s just getting the paperwork ready for the accountant, file returns, and such. It’s kind of good to be able to finally deal with just grief, without having the practical to dos mucking things up. Tomorrow, I’ll start wrapping presents and begin recharging.
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Bless you Pam!  So encouraging to hear someone's taking care of the "caregiver" for a change.  Good news and thanks for sharing!
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Well everyone should be proud of me ! I finally took some good advice from here ( OK, I have taken LOTS of good advice from here) and took care of my own health. I discovered I had not had a gyn apt or mammogram since 2015, and I missed the dentist by a year! My how time flies when your having "fun".. All good on the lady parts front, and also at the dentist. (Mom had a cavity filled and a new script for toothpaste..LOL) the other good news is that they now recommend the pap only every 3 to 5 years at my age, and they can stop at 65.. so I'm over that unless I have problems. Yeah me!!
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Hi Jam,
I am taking care of my mother who when I was a child was kind of indifferent.
I have a older sister who was her favorite. What a terrible way to a little girl to live after dad and mom got divorced she took everything out on me. I look like my dad. I had no one to take my side
So fast forward 52 years and I am the one caring for her. Now don't get me wrong I've grown to love my mom in away but not like a daughter would love her mother.
Yes! sometimes I feel like walking away but she lives in my home so that's out of the question. The older sister is free to do what she and her husband please. Comes by sometimes but her favorite mother she seems to have forgotten.
I just put mom on hospice today. My sister's own children told her Auntie needs help but there is a excuse of her business she runs from her home saying no time what do they want her to do.
While mom was mobile they spent a lot of time together now that mom can't do for herself it's a problem.
So I understand your feelings. It's called being human. I pray to god for this feeling to leave me. Maybe God gave us this task for us to grow. Whatever the case here we all are doing the most difficult task he's given us.
I do the same thing everyday get up look in her room to see if she's awake. if so I clean her up and try to make her eat a little. Oh I forgot to mention I'm married to a second husband who lives in his house because mom was to terrible when she first moved here. Can't get along with a Diva.
So I have to take care of him, my mom and a little dog. He is understanding to a point but you know men. They want all your attention. So here I am being pulled from all directions.
I say to you. God is going to bless you for your for sacrifice. I think he gave it to us because the others are not as strong.
I am 65 now mom's been with me for 7 this august. My only hope is I get to spent at least 12 healthy years with my husband doing what we like to do....
Hang in there Jam don't give up.....
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For the past few days, I've been thinking a lot about dad. I guess it's because xmas is coming up. I don't celebrate xmas but my dad did. So, every year, even before he became bedridden, I would have the radio station on a channel that plays xmas songs all day. I bought xmas CDs - both in English and in our native tongue. This is the time, I try to catch on Sundays, the local choir's rendition of Ave Maria (my dad's favorite.)

Funny, how one would hear a song and it just brings back all these memories. And I find myself missing him. At least we talked. Now, I have no one to talk to when I'm home. Oldest sis is just not into talking. She's a hermit living in her bedroom 24/7. Only comes out to smoke and eat, then back to her room.

My dad's brother was taken to the hospital today. I don't know what's wrong with him and I wish him well. His wife, my aunty, passed away a few months ago..... I'm tired of people just dying left and right. People I know. People whom I'm closely related to. They've been dying one after another this past 18months, I can't even remember the chronological order of their deaths.

My dad died in July of last year. My aunty (dad's brother's wife), my female first cousin (mom's brother's oldest daughter) died of cancer, then my male first cousin (dad's sister's son) died of health issues, my aunty (my mom's sister) died of cancer, and then my first cousin's husband (dad's brother's daughter's husband) died of health issues (he had cancer). It's like when will it stop?
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Well, I'm not sure if it's going to be just 3 or 4 of us going. My older sis from Colorado with her 2 grown up daughters + me. If the cabin is metal, we can use the hook magnets to hang our often used clothes on the wall. Or use regular magnets to post the itinerary for the day or the week. My single niece is the tomboyish adventure type. She would be ziplining, scuba diving, hiking, etc at the ports. Sis and I would be shopping or sightseeing.... Plus, I would like to put a magnet outside our door. I'm very direction-challenged. Even in Albuquerque, exiting the elevator, I stop because I forgot which way to turn - left or right. Little 1st grader nephew would say, "Turn right Aunty..." I once turned left and he said, "Aunty, turn right!" Everyone laughed. I even walked by our hotel room's door. "Aunty, you passed the door. This is our room." .. I think it would be very helpful if I hang a magnet on the top of the door (and not be so obvious.)
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OMG Book that is terrible for water!! Can you find a bottle with a filter in it? For less and fill it up from the pitcher at meals? They might look at you funny but I doubt they will stop you, Do not fill it from the tap whatever you do! I also wonder what you need the magnets for?
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Veronica, I will keep it in mind about the recliner. I want to try the hospital bed. If I don't like the mattress, I will replace it. If I still can't stand it, I will try the recliner. My niece said that it costs over $2,000.00. Her dad just recently told me that he bought the recliner for his acid reflux. He doesn't like it. He's asking for mom's or dad's hospital bed. I'm giving him mom's - since that is 100% manual. Dad's own is an electric one.

I was planning to bring my thin black scarf. I don't know what kind of material it is but I discovered that it works very well in cold weather like 60 degrees. I also have a thicker knitted scarf (freebie from an online order, but color is so...pale.) Based on your comment, I think I will also bring the freebie. Thanks.

Pamzim, I had googled NCL and reviews. In their website, they have pre-purchased discounts on bottled water. That's when I realized that I would have to buy bottled water onboard. I always have a bottle of water by my bed when I sleep. I tend to wake up coughing and choking (acid reflux). Sendhelp once mentioned that she drinks water when this happens to her at night. So, I've been doing that, too. It really does help. Anyway, it costs $23.00 for a six-pack bottled water. We're going on a 7-day cruise.
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Book I thought food and non alcoholic drinks were included on cruises? They were on ours.. I have arthritis, and really nothing is great to relieve pain for me. It comes and goes, and yes I can predict the weather by my ankles and knees. Have fun on your cruise, and relax!
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Oh Book arthritis anywhere is a problem that never goes away. Some things can be helped with surgery others you just have to learn to live with and try to avoid things that case you pain.
Trying Dad's hospital bed is a good place to start, but I persoanlly can never get really comfortable. What works for me is to sleep in a recliner with a small soft pillow or rolled towel behind my neck. Lots of meds can be tried both OTC and prescription. A heating pad also provides a lot of relief. Have you considered one of those foam neck collars?
If you use a recliner you can recline it down to about 45 degrees, raise the legs and put a big soft pillow under your knees. That way your acid reflux is also taken care of.
If you are going cruising during the vacation make sure you have a nice soft scarf to wear round your neck when on deck so the neck does not get chilled by sea breezes.

I had no idea they charged for water on cruises. Your own water bottle won't be exactly sterile after you have used it a few times either Make sure it is really drinkable. It might just be with the extra money to buy the bottled water, there are so many infections on cruise liners.

What do you need the magnets for?
I might also add a few disinfecting wipes as well to clean off bathroom surfaces door knobs etc and some hand sanitizer.

You are such a delicate flower Book so take any precaution you can to stay safe and don't forget to have fun
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I went to the clinic today for my constant neck pain. It radiates down to the middle of my upper back and up to my head. Almost every day for weeks, months. Doc asked some questions.. He muttered before I went to do the x-rays that he hopes it's work-related.... After so many x-ray shots....

I have arthritis in my neck and spasm. I figured it was arthritis or pinched nerve. But spasm??? I quickly responded, "I have spasm?" He showed it to me in the x-ray (which just looks like gray coloring...) He also showed the arthritis in my neck bones - every single neck bone has signs of arthritis. He said that a normal neck curves. My neck is straight up/down. He took his pen and aligned it to my neck x-ray - see, no curve but straight up/down.

Recommendation: anti-inflammatory painkillers, use heating pad for back of my neck, find the right mattress/pillow and …. I need to do away with the wedge pillow (for my acid reflux) because it's putting strain on my neck -being elevated too high...

I have decided that it's time for me to use my dad's hospital bed. It's the only solution if I'm to do away with the wedge pillow. I can crank up the bed to a slightly elevated position and - I no longer need to use 2 pillow below my legs to prevent me from sliding down the wedge pillow. I can always elevate the bottom part of the hospital bed...

For the next few nights, I will be googling everything I can read about neck arthritis - what to expect years down the road, what to eat to avoid inflaming it, exercises, etc... and most of all, to read other people's experiences of their neck arthritis.

Oh! I also need to research on how to prepare for cruises. I did some tentative searches. I need to bring magnets, night light (room can get really dark at night) and my own refillable water bottle (to help cut cost of buying water - just refill my bottle when I go eat breakfast, lunch, dinner...)
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Cccquilter, for the first 6 months after my grandmother passed, I would feel like I would see her in the hallway of her home I was living in (I never actually saw her, I just felt like I should or did), or feel her presence close by. I think that was part of my way of grieving for her. I missed her but I was glad she was at peace.

It takes time. I was caregiving for my grandmother for only about a year before she passed; you were married for 45 years?! It's going to be an adjustment for you to be without him, but you'll slowly work your way through it.

Come here to talk about how you're feeling, if you want to. I think it'd be helpful for you.
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Thanks, so much, everyone! It really helped to read all your responses to my deep wondering if there was something wrong with me! Your caring responses helped me to understand that there is no set way to grieve - that I need to take it at my own pace and just let things happen naturally. I still keep listening for his halting steps on the stairs at home or think I hear them, but this is starting to be less and less. I also need to get on with what is left of my life without him now. Selling the house because I must; I can't keep it financially, and the house is large, too large for one person; meant for a family, so it will be a relief to get into a smaller place.
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cccquilter, I remembered going through this, too, when my mom passed away. My 7 siblings cried silent tears but I didn't. They insisted that I touch mom's dead body in the coffin and 'have closure'. I refused. I felt like a hypocrite. I helped dad take care of mom when I was in my mid-20s. Of that, she was bedridden for over 13 years. She finally died 22 years later. I figured I didn't cry because I was guilt-ridden for being glad that she finally died - because I still had to take care of bedridden father.

It bothered me that I couldn't cry over her death. I figured maybe I was mourning her death even before she finally died. Every time mom lost her old self (stopped talking, stopped eating, stopped swallowing, etc...), I was mourning her loss. So, when she finally died, I was all mourned out..

The other thing that kept circling in my mind - that there was something wrong with me. Why couldn't I cry for her being dead? Maybe I was damaged goods from my dysfunctional childhood.

Anyway, the good news is about 18 months later, out of the blue, one night, I started crying so hard. It was the deep inside crying. I recalled being sooooo confused on Why was I crying? I kept crying and crying. And then, towards the end, a deep sadness hit me. And a thought popped in my head - Mom. I finally cried over mom's death 18 months after she died.

My dad passed away July of last year. I was closer to my dad than I was to my mom. I'm still waiting to cry over his death...

So don't be overly concerned that you haven't cried for your husband. There's nothing wrong with you. Each person has a way of dealing with death. Mine took 18 months later. Yours? It Will hit you - sooner or later. It will come when you least expect it. My sincere condolences! {{HUGS}}
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Ccquilter, I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes, as it was in my case, the caregiving becomes so difficult that the death is not only a release for our loved one, but also a relief for us. It is such hard work that so many do not understand. Take it easy on yourself and the grief may or may not come. It may sneak up on you when you least expect it and however it happens, even if it doesn't is ok.
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ccquilter, so very sorry for your loss, you are in my prayers. Give yourself time, it is still fresh and we all grieve differently. Some find peace and comfort knowing their loved ones are no longer in any pain. And that is ok. Some wail and mourn deeply, and that is ok. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Just let yourself feel whatever it is you feel and that is ok.
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ccquilter, my deepest condolences. Whatever you are feeling (or not feeling) is fine. Perfectly fine. Big hugs.
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cccquilter, I'm so sorry about your loss. Grieving and dealing with profound loss is a personal journey, and each of us does it our own way. The tears will come - for now, you're trying to wrap your head around it all. Be gentle with yourself - no expectations whether societal or self imposed. Hug your kids and comfort each other.
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Thanks, Sendhelp, someone suggested that I was still kind of in shock, but I didn't think so, as it has been a week and a half since he passed. We were married 45 years. He fought so hard to live and there were no goodbyes as he was unreconciled to his own death. He was not afraid; he was too young, only 66, and the same age as my own dad when we lost him. In many ways it was a relief for us, as watching him struggle was at times unbearable, especially with the pain he had. He refused morphine as he did not like the altered senses that came with it and preferred to be in pain and still aware. He is now at rest, no more pain, no more struggle. So I still wonder why I cannot cry it out. I want to, but it won't come on demand.
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CCCquilter,
So sorry for your loss.
It is okay that you have not cried.

Very sorry that you are hurting.
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No longer a caregiver. My husband was unable, after our vacation to the far north, to walk or sit unaided, so he went to our daughters, who works remote and could be home to care for him. He was there almost two months, and he passed away Friday morning November 2nd. I have not been able to cry it out. I get close, but that is it. Is there something wrong with me?
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While going through pictures for Em's funeral we had a wonderful time remembering the past. One upside... the funeral is Sat am, starting at 8 am for the viewing and graveside at 10. Going to have to bundle up my mom!
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Pam, my sympathies to you on your loss. I hope your next days will be calm. Hugs.
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(((((((hugs)))))))) Pam and deepest condolences
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Sincere condolences, Pam.
Praying for you and your family.
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Pam, sending my sympathies on this sad day. I’ll be keeping you and your familiy in my thoughts and prayers.
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Pam, I am so sorry for your loss.
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