Love has flown the coop.

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Peter, a gentleman(?) I fell in love with over 2 years ago, has become impossibly self-centered and vicious. He has so many ills that I find I can't list them all here. Brain wasting is one. ADHD is another. Diabetes. Obesity. Social Anxiety Disorder. Non Rem or REM sleep disorder. (he has attacked me physically in his sleep-to the point where I have had to fight back to save my sorry skin.) He has been loving and caring in the past, but has changed into a 300 lb. 58 year old toddler. Everything that goes wrong in "my fault." he refuses to even take responsibility for his actions. the verbal abuse is beyond the pale. I am no longer in love, nor do I even "love" him any longer. It's just a question of who outlives whom now for me. Yesterday he did nothing but self-diagnose online all day and come running to me every 5 minutes with this "information." Hypochondria ruled the day. I had just had oral surgery-wisdom tooth-and was in no mood to deal. Nor did I have the wish to leave my own house. (yes he is living with me. Yes I am footing all the bills.) I am an idiot and I am ready to kill-either him or myself. I won't but still...self-centered, irresponsible, forgetful, easily agitated if he doesn't get "his way" I am at an end. I swear. The only shrink I have been to around here has not been helpful. She basically said that all this is my fault. cannot and will not see another one. can't afford it. Help.

14 Comments

You can file eviction orders if he won't leave at your request. Good luck!
It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with him and tell him that it is not working out between you. Ask him to leave. Have an exit plan in place -- perhaps friends waiting outside the door in case he becomes angry. If he doesn't leave, have eviction papers served. If he gets violent, seek a protective order that will bar him from coming to your house. There's no reason to live with someone you detest.
Yes, there is no reason for you to have to deal with this particularly if you are providing everything. When you sit down with him, ask him his opinion what it would cost him to rent an apartment, to feed himself and provide insurance, or what ever else you have done. Say to him that you would like him to contribute that amount to the household though mowing the lawn (if you have one) or cleaning, shopping for groceries. Tell him that if he was a grown child you would both expect an adult contribution. He is an adult and he should be your partner in this. If you are providing the roof over your heads, he should think of contributions as well. Doing laundry is another possibility. Get him to agree that those things are his job in exchange for room and board. Once he gets moving, he will feel better, lose weight, get into better shape, endorphins will flow. Do not under any circumstances, help him with his jobs and only compliment, no criticism of his work. I hope that is a helpful suggestion. I know one home where it's working nicely. ;-)
Pack his bags, change the locks. Get friends or family to back you so you are not alone when you tell him you're done. He is a big baby and needs to grow up and act like a man.

I have been there. It took a 357 magnum to get the one I had to take me seriously. I had had enough and he was not going to say no he wan't going anywhere again. Just tell the police he hits you in his sleep and you are scared, but you need to get a few police reports under your belt so there is an awareness there is a problem. Next time he acts like an ass, call the polic and tell them he scares you. Everything ads up. Its time he move on. And don't fall for the oh poor me stuff he will throw at you. Whats happening to you IS your fault as long as you allow it. Whats happening to him is HIS fault, and you need to take care of you.
The most important questions are do you want him in your house or do you want him to change so that he is more of an equal partner? I think the answer to the first is no.....and the second will never happen. So what to do? What do you want to happen? Why try and live with someone you don't like, who is abusing the hospitality of you and your home? And he is also endangering your health and welfare. You no longer love him and before whatever "like" might be gone it's probably wiser to sit him down, tell him things are over, and he has 30 days to find another place to live. It is difficult and time-consuming to have someone evicted....a restraining order may work if you are having to defend yourself. I'm sorry you are having to endure this now and wish you good luck in whatever you decide.
I agree. GET HIM OUT...PERIOD. I've lived through this before as well. It took police to remove him. As long as you are enabling him, he will LET you. Your most imporant person is you. Don't worry about the poor, poor me words or the blowup he will have (have police present when you TELL him or EVICT him)..that way you will be covered and safe. Once he is gone, by no means EVER let him back in.. I learned this the hard way. Please, do this for you.
So sorry you have to deal with this. His behavior is probably related to all the meds he is taking if he is that much of a hypochondriac. Listen to what these ladies are saying. You need to get the authorities involved so you have proof if you need it for prosecution. Good luck.
Muddiggermom, you've made a mistake but everyone does, now it's time to fix it. He has more problems than you're willing or able to address, so tell him it isn't working out and he has to leave. I wouldn't kick him to the curb overnight, but he DOES have to go sooner than later. Meanwhile you need to either move to a different bed or couch or whatever, or he does, but you need to remove your body from the harm he does during the night. I know he can't help some of these things, but there has got to be someone or something that can step in and take care of his problems and get you off the hook. It's not the end of the world, just a stupid mistake is all, it'll be fine.
Yeah, I agree. I told him in no uncertain terms that he has to leave and to start looking. I told him I would get the authorities involved if I had to. Now we will see what happens from here. I was very clear. I also just repeated myself this morning. We are sleeping separately, thank goodness, and have been doing so since the strangle hold incident. Oh yeah, he's gonna get outta here-one way or another. Thank you for all your support.
Please do what you have to do to get this man out of your home and your life. . I agree the first thing is to stop sharing a bed, and then also to contact the police, social services, etc to get a paper trail started. Is there any free counselling service in your area. They may be more helpful than a psychiatrist. It is true only you can stop this. In the meanwhile, you might tell him if he wants to eat, he must buy food for himself. In other words draw some boundaries. If he gets abusive, call the police. Is there a woman's shelter in your area? Visit them and ask their advice. Their job is helping abused women and they will help you find the way through this. Please take some steps to end this, and restore sanity to your life. You are worth more than this, and I am sure once he is gone, you will be able to enjoy your life and your home once again. My sympathies about the wisdom tooth extraction. I had one that was very painful. Do let us know how you are. ((((((hugs))))))

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