No good deed goes unpunished. I am done!
The lady that's living in my mothers body is a mean, nasty selfish person,and I quit! I haven't posted much since my heart attack and for a while Mom was consumed with worry about me, and quite loving and caring. Now she "forgets" I had a HA and just remembers that it is MY fault that she is in the home. She is on her 4th room mate in 8 months because she doesn't like anyone. She treated the last two so rudely and mean.....like she treats me.
My sister who has been causing all the family grief for many years, (the one who threatened me the day before my HA and shot my stress through the roof) has stepped in and has been manipulating Mom into believing that I am the one that has caused all the discord. My brothers, who know better are both in the mindset of 'Just let it be'. That was ok for a while until Mom called me last week to tell me she tried to love me but she can't and she doesn't like me either. She hates the nurses and aid that make her stay in her wheel chair and every time one of them reprimands her, she takes it out on me. All she remembers about the 3 years I cared for her is that I "took away her independence" and would not allow her to do things that put her life in danger.
I understand as well as you all do that the dementia has her brain so scrambled that she can't recognize truth from lies.
I am in Self Preservation mode and trying to take care of myself, but the stress has me chain smoking and I've had more Migraines in the last 3 months then I have had in the last 3 years.
My brothers love me and understand what I am dealing with, but that is not enough right now. I wish the 2 of them would sit Mom down and tell her the truth! We have protected Mom from the horrible things my sister has said and done, but I want to shout it out to her at the top of my lungs!!! I am tired of taking the blame for all that bothers her, and not getting the appreciation for keeping her out of that place for 3 years and saving her life multiple times.
I want to tell my brothers to back me up to Mom. In her eyes, they are both perfect and she would believe the truth from them. They did 2 things that backfired on me in a big way.When I first came, they went overboard with praise for me and the way I took after Mom, with the sole purpose of pissing my sister off. They both hate her for many years of BS she has put all of us through. She started manipulating my Mother after that and saying I was "bullying" mom. Then a few days before my HA, Mom told one of them some things the sister said and he decided to call her in for a meeting and pretty much told her off. I warned him that it would back fire on me, but he swore it would not. The next day came the threats and a day later, the heart attack.
Now they both just want to pretend everything is fine and take the easy way out."for Moms sake". They visit once a week and only do small talk. I get the all the complaints and accusations and made to feel like a horrible person. I quit! I do not answer her calls, and do not call the home to check on her anymore.
Unfortunately that has resulted in more stress related ailments and lots of sleepless nights. Should I ask my brothers to talk to Mom or just move on with my life, away from the drama? I'm asking the people that know this disease best.Should I wait for the next stage, when she has forgotten even more and then forgive her and go back to normal visits and phone calls? Your advise would be welcome and appreciated.
From what you've written about your sister, her glee at your departure will quickly vanish as all eyes go to her for HC decisions etc. It doesn't sound like your brothers want to be involved in anything other than the occasional visits. Then your sister will have to shift her evil intentions on another family member.
Don't take calls from any of them. It just feeds into the situation. Buy yourself a new outfit, get your nails done, read that book you've been interested in. It will take a while to psychologically removed yourself from the turmoil. You'll be tempted to call..... but don't. Take a walk.
Stay in touch with the facility by calling periodically to check on mom's welfare so that you won't be left out of any major changes in health. You wouldn't want to miss her final days. You will be able to say your final good bye and after she passes, you will be able to move forward without guilt.
You've been a part of this drama for quite some time. After a while it becomes a part of you. I hope you find the courage to extract yourself immediately.
Well, my dear, I hope you find the courage to do whatever it is YOU need and want to do. YOU deserve peace, you deserve to be lighthearted, you deserve to be loved. I'm sorry for your mother, I'm sure you are, too. I'm even kind of sorry for your sis because it can't be nice living in a body/mind that does crappy things to your family, manipulates, etc. But... find some peace, even if it's only for a few months. Can you cut off everything for a few months and fill your time with simple, fun activities? Just fill up your gas tank again, so to speak. Much love to you and I wish you clarity and courage.
I have/and am learning to like myself... I am not so much lonely as I choose to be a homebot right now, when we are ready to get back I think we shall just do it, for now, it's ok ( for now) to figure it all out... I mean, how does one comprehend their own mother being such a nasty bitch?... that is the hardest, reminding yourself it's not her fault, it's not her fault... it's so important to deal with this now, before she passes.... you want to be as "clear" in your own thoughts when all Is said and done.
Welcome back... stick around for awhile!
But seriously I would love to kick your sister's a$$. Her sister has a heart attack and what does she do? Starts bad mouthing that sister to her mother. Sounds like a pretty nasty person.
Build your new "family" of chosen friends who love you and support you. And every time you start to get pulled back in, say, "Not my circus, not my monkeys" and walk away. You DESERVE a happy life! And get some counseling if this seems like too much to handle on your own. You're not superwoman, you're just another human being trying to do the best you can. If you need support, get it! Hugs to you...
Take a walk, treat yourself to something you love, breath deep, find some calm. Most important take care of yourself and your health. Her immediate needs are being met.
What ever you do, don't hop on the guilt trip train that your sister is now driving.... sounds like she's the conductor because she knows she wasn't that much help back when Mom was living with you and you were the caregiver 168 hours a week. I remember those hectic days when you were writing here daily.
I would continue calling the nursing home to see how Mom is doing..... or even going in person to ask how she is doing but not seeing your Mom, and tell the staff that Mom is in a stage where she doesn't want to see her. That way the staff knows you are still caring, I am sure they have seen other family dynamics like that before.
If you know what day your sister visits and it is once a week, go the next day and ask the Staff to take in a greeting card from you to give to your Mom. That way she can see and enjoy the card for awhile. If the Staff can do that while you are there, maybe your Mom will ask for you and you can see her then.
Sister seems to be having a fine time stirring the pot. She probably gets a lot of satisfaction hearing how you are suffering. So don't let the old hag have that pleasure anymore. Don't ask your brothers to get involved, don't ask sis to chill out, and don't go over to visit mom. You know what will happen.
Here's an idea of what to do with mom: Send mom a note along with paper, stamps, and envelopes, saying that you have gotten sick (true) and it's not safe for you to go into the home (psychologically) where she is with those people with the immunity issues there(reasonable with physical illness, which you have). You won't be able to visit for a while, and you need to rest your voice, so you won't be able to visit or call, so you two will have to communicate by letter. Then DON'T ANSWER HER CALLS! Don't answer sis' either. Give yourself a break. Your mom is safe and taken care of, and you *don't* have to go check up on her.
Now go to the doc, get on a smoking cessation, stress management, and exercise program, and take care of YOU. YOU should be around longer than mom, but if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be. The book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud is excellent and cheap if you buy it used. Good for reading while you take a bubble bath every night! Hugs! You can do this!