No good deed goes unpunished. I am done!


The lady that's living in my mothers body is a mean, nasty selfish person,and I quit! I haven't posted much since my heart attack and for a while Mom was consumed with worry about me, and quite loving and caring. Now she "forgets" I had a HA and just remembers that it is MY fault that she is in the home. She is on her 4th room mate in 8 months because she doesn't like anyone. She treated the last two so rudely and she treats me.

My sister who has been causing all the family grief for many years, (the one who threatened me the day before my HA and shot my stress through the roof) has stepped in and has been manipulating Mom into believing that I am the one that has caused all the discord. My brothers, who know better are both in the mindset of 'Just let it be'. That was ok for a while until Mom called me last week to tell me she tried to love me but she can't and she doesn't like me either. She hates the nurses and aid that make her stay in her wheel chair and every time one of them reprimands her, she takes it out on me. All she remembers about the 3 years I cared for her is that I "took away her independence" and would not allow her to do things that put her life in danger.
I understand as well as you all do that the dementia has her brain so scrambled that she can't recognize truth from lies.

I am in Self Preservation mode and trying to take care of myself, but the stress has me chain smoking and I've had more Migraines in the last 3 months then I have had in the last 3 years.

My brothers love me and understand what I am dealing with, but that is not enough right now. I wish the 2 of them would sit Mom down and tell her the truth! We have protected Mom from the horrible things my sister has said and done, but I want to shout it out to her at the top of my lungs!!! I am tired of taking the blame for all that bothers her, and not getting the appreciation for keeping her out of that place for 3 years and saving her life multiple times.

I want to tell my brothers to back me up to Mom. In her eyes, they are both perfect and she would believe the truth from them. They did 2 things that backfired on me in a big way.When I first came, they went overboard with praise for me and the way I took after Mom, with the sole purpose of pissing my sister off. They both hate her for many years of BS she has put all of us through. She started manipulating my Mother after that and saying I was "bullying" mom. Then a few days before my HA, Mom told one of them some things the sister said and he decided to call her in for a meeting and pretty much told her off. I warned him that it would back fire on me, but he swore it would not. The next day came the threats and a day later, the heart attack.

Now they both just want to pretend everything is fine and take the easy way out."for Moms sake". They visit once a week and only do small talk. I get the all the complaints and accusations and made to feel like a horrible person. I quit! I do not answer her calls, and do not call the home to check on her anymore.

Unfortunately that has resulted in more stress related ailments and lots of sleepless nights. Should I ask my brothers to talk to Mom or just move on with my life, away from the drama? I'm asking the people that know this disease best.Should I wait for the next stage, when she has forgotten even more and then forgive her and go back to normal visits and phone calls? Your advise would be welcome and appreciated.

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'can' should be 'have'... sorry

Dear Boni - If you can the HC POA - resign your position and take a hiatus.

From what you've written about your sister, her glee at your departure will quickly vanish as all eyes go to her for HC decisions etc. It doesn't sound like your brothers want to be involved in anything other than the occasional visits. Then your sister will have to shift her evil intentions on another family member.

Don't take calls from any of them. It just feeds into the situation. Buy yourself a new outfit, get your nails done, read that book you've been interested in. It will take a while to psychologically removed yourself from the turmoil. You'll be tempted to call..... but don't. Take a walk.

Stay in touch with the facility by calling periodically to check on mom's welfare so that you won't be left out of any major changes in health. You wouldn't want to miss her final days. You will be able to say your final good bye and after she passes, you will be able to move forward without guilt.

You've been a part of this drama for quite some time. After a while it becomes a part of you. I hope you find the courage to extract yourself immediately.

(((((Boni))))) I'm going through something similar. I'm tired of getting blamed/threatened when I'm the one giving and helping. My dad is volatile and hateful at times... now I'm just avoiding him. I know his mind is not right but the toll it takes on emotions -- and especially when it's been a long term situation! -- it just makes me think I should WALK AWAY. I've been thinking about just that the past few days.

Well, my dear, I hope you find the courage to do whatever it is YOU need and want to do. YOU deserve peace, you deserve to be lighthearted, you deserve to be loved. I'm sorry for your mother, I'm sure you are, too. I'm even kind of sorry for your sis because it can't be nice living in a body/mind that does crappy things to your family, manipulates, etc. But... find some peace, even if it's only for a few months. Can you cut off everything for a few months and fill your time with simple, fun activities? Just fill up your gas tank again, so to speak. Much love to you and I wish you clarity and courage.

Walk away - no phone calls - nothing! You have got your own life to take care of. Seems to me, you have wasted too much time already on a worthless cause. Get yourself healthy and be happy!!

Take of from me RUN and start your life. They always have malice and suggestions but don't help with nothing...Dealing with the same situation my mo health failed. She is at a nursing home by her husband choive and now I'm dealing with her ungrateful mo mind you...just evil and selfish I have done all I'm going to do looking for a home place her in walk away and raise my children and break the generational curse...My sister don't help but has all the suggestions in the world and the nerve to want to make decisions. God bless you but don't let them take another minute of peace or breathe away from you...You gave enough and it still wasn't and will never be enough. Move forward, walk away and don't feel guilty about nothing. As long as you have done what you could...Let them do something...

Awh Bon bon.... no wonder you disappeared, heck, I'd hide under the covers too. I'd like to kick her butt as well... then again, I should have kicked my own brother's asses for their lack of emotion and help. Nah... someone bigger than I will eventually kick harder than I ever could...

I have/and am learning to like myself... I am not so much lonely as I choose to be a homebot right now, when we are ready to get back I think we shall just do it, for now, it's ok ( for now) to figure it all out... I mean, how does one comprehend their own mother being such a nasty bitch?... that is the hardest, reminding yourself it's not her fault, it's not her fault... it's so important to deal with this now, before she passes.... you want to be as "clear" in your own thoughts when all Is said and done.

Welcome back... stick around for awhile!

I'm so glad I reached out today! Thank you for all your suggestions and caring concern. You have all helped a great deal. I will be sleeping better tonight. ;)

Boni, I was just writing this complicated analysis of why we caregivers do what we do, and how we should not do it. Then I realized all the writing was really not necessary. I wish you could for a while sever the mental connection with your mother and sister. You gave so much of your life already. Your brothers can let you know if your mother has a change of heart/mind so that you can let her back into your life again. There is no reason to torture yourself over a situation that you did not create. We know it is the disease with your mother.

But seriously I would love to kick your sister's a$$. Her sister has a heart attack and what does she do? Starts bad mouthing that sister to her mother. Sounds like a pretty nasty person.

Oh Boni one heart attack was one too many so don't risk another.I don't remember if you had POA but if you did give it to one of the others. You have served your time and paid the price. For now put a lot of time and distance between yourself and Mom and the rest of them. go away for a months and don't communicate. Every one has your cell hopefully except mom so if everything goes south you can easily get back. Send Mom postcards and even small souveniers from wherever you choose to go. I don't know what your hobbies are but many craftspeople offer vacations where they will teach you their craft and have you live with them and enjoy their off the grid lifestyle. OK so that may not appeal so how about a luxury cruise. Leave the cigarettes at home and everytime you fancy one go and have a massage. If learning is your thing many colleges have summer courses where you can take classes and live in the dorms for a couple of weeks. The cafeterias are often surprisingly good. Pamper yourself do whatever you can afford. Even a coach tour is better than nothing and not too expensive. Buy some new clothes even if is only on trips to the local thrift store or consignment shop. OK so you are alone and lonely but think of it as your first day at school when you did not know anyone else. Most of the men will be part of couples but there will be plenty of single woman to team up with. Give a little and you will get a lot. Mom has other kids to look after her and whatever she says or thinks you did not have a heart attack just to spite her. I have even spent a week in a convent and really enjoyed the tranquility and the way of life.

Good grief - step away from the crazy and save yourself! No one is looking out for you, so YOU have to look out for yourself. You've just about killed yourself trying to be the good daughter to a thankless mother. Let your crazy siblings and mom fend for themselves.

Build your new "family" of chosen friends who love you and support you. And every time you start to get pulled back in, say, "Not my circus, not my monkeys" and walk away. You DESERVE a happy life! And get some counseling if this seems like too much to handle on your own. You're not superwoman, you're just another human being trying to do the best you can. If you need support, get it! Hugs to you...

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