No good deed goes unpunished. I am done!

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The lady that's living in my mothers body is a mean, nasty selfish person,and I quit! I haven't posted much since my heart attack and for a while Mom was consumed with worry about me, and quite loving and caring. Now she "forgets" I had a HA and just remembers that it is MY fault that she is in the home. She is on her 4th room mate in 8 months because she doesn't like anyone. She treated the last two so rudely and mean.....like she treats me.

My sister who has been causing all the family grief for many years, (the one who threatened me the day before my HA and shot my stress through the roof) has stepped in and has been manipulating Mom into believing that I am the one that has caused all the discord. My brothers, who know better are both in the mindset of 'Just let it be'. That was ok for a while until Mom called me last week to tell me she tried to love me but she can't and she doesn't like me either. She hates the nurses and aid that make her stay in her wheel chair and every time one of them reprimands her, she takes it out on me. All she remembers about the 3 years I cared for her is that I "took away her independence" and would not allow her to do things that put her life in danger.
I understand as well as you all do that the dementia has her brain so scrambled that she can't recognize truth from lies.

I am in Self Preservation mode and trying to take care of myself, but the stress has me chain smoking and I've had more Migraines in the last 3 months then I have had in the last 3 years.

My brothers love me and understand what I am dealing with, but that is not enough right now. I wish the 2 of them would sit Mom down and tell her the truth! We have protected Mom from the horrible things my sister has said and done, but I want to shout it out to her at the top of my lungs!!! I am tired of taking the blame for all that bothers her, and not getting the appreciation for keeping her out of that place for 3 years and saving her life multiple times.

I want to tell my brothers to back me up to Mom. In her eyes, they are both perfect and she would believe the truth from them. They did 2 things that backfired on me in a big way.When I first came, they went overboard with praise for me and the way I took after Mom, with the sole purpose of pissing my sister off. They both hate her for many years of BS she has put all of us through. She started manipulating my Mother after that and saying I was "bullying" mom. Then a few days before my HA, Mom told one of them some things the sister said and he decided to call her in for a meeting and pretty much told her off. I warned him that it would back fire on me, but he swore it would not. The next day came the threats and a day later, the heart attack.

Now they both just want to pretend everything is fine and take the easy way out."for Moms sake". They visit once a week and only do small talk. I get the all the complaints and accusations and made to feel like a horrible person. I quit! I do not answer her calls, and do not call the home to check on her anymore.

Unfortunately that has resulted in more stress related ailments and lots of sleepless nights. Should I ask my brothers to talk to Mom or just move on with my life, away from the drama? I'm asking the people that know this disease best.Should I wait for the next stage, when she has forgotten even more and then forgive her and go back to normal visits and phone calls? Your advise would be welcome and appreciated.

14 Comments

My mthr was a narcissist her entire life, and it sounds like your mom and sister feed off each other and might both fit that diagnosis. You are obviously showing signs of stress related diseases, and you must take care of yourself first. Remember how the flight attendants tell us adults to take the oxygen mask first then put it on the children? You need that oxygen!

Sister seems to be having a fine time stirring the pot. She probably gets a lot of satisfaction hearing how you are suffering. So don't let the old hag have that pleasure anymore. Don't ask your brothers to get involved, don't ask sis to chill out, and don't go over to visit mom. You know what will happen.

Here's an idea of what to do with mom: Send mom a note along with paper, stamps, and envelopes, saying that you have gotten sick (true) and it's not safe for you to go into the home (psychologically) where she is with those people with the immunity issues there(reasonable with physical illness, which you have). You won't be able to visit for a while, and you need to rest your voice, so you won't be able to visit or call, so you two will have to communicate by letter. Then DON'T ANSWER HER CALLS! Don't answer sis' either. Give yourself a break. Your mom is safe and taken care of, and you *don't* have to go check up on her.

Now go to the doc, get on a smoking cessation, stress management, and exercise program, and take care of YOU. YOU should be around longer than mom, but if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be. The book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud is excellent and cheap if you buy it used. Good for reading while you take a bubble bath every night! Hugs! You can do this!
I don't see any reason you should continue to allow yourself to be sh*t upon by all the family. Your brothers don't want to rock the boat because they are more afraid of your mom and sis than they are concerned about you. No one will treat you with respect until you demand it. Send your brothers this post so they understand where you are coming from and then walk away. Maybe you can reconnect with your mother in the future, you don't have to make a finite decision on that now. You can ask your brothers to send you a weekly (monthly?) email about mom's progress so you don't feel totally cut off, but it seems like neither of you are benefiting from seeing each other for now.
Oh Boni, so sorry to read what is going on now with your Mom and siblings.

What ever you do, don't hop on the guilt trip train that your sister is now driving.... sounds like she's the conductor because she knows she wasn't that much help back when Mom was living with you and you were the caregiver 168 hours a week. I remember those hectic days when you were writing here daily.

I would continue calling the nursing home to see how Mom is doing..... or even going in person to ask how she is doing but not seeing your Mom, and tell the staff that Mom is in a stage where she doesn't want to see her. That way the staff knows you are still caring, I am sure they have seen other family dynamics like that before.

If you know what day your sister visits and it is once a week, go the next day and ask the Staff to take in a greeting card from you to give to your Mom. That way she can see and enjoy the card for awhile. If the Staff can do that while you are there, maybe your Mom will ask for you and you can see her then.
You sound exactly like me. I had to go "no contact" for a while as I was starting to have panic attacks. The people at the home have all of my phone numbers, all the children's phone numbers, emails. I call once a week. I call the staff once a week. That is it. Like you all the drama feeds itself and becomes something very destructive. The let it be philosophy can be a cop out for some, but nobody will ever fix the mean and negative.

Take a walk, treat yourself to something you love, breath deep, find some calm. Most important take care of yourself and your health. Her immediate needs are being met.
Good grief - step away from the crazy and save yourself! No one is looking out for you, so YOU have to look out for yourself. You've just about killed yourself trying to be the good daughter to a thankless mother. Let your crazy siblings and mom fend for themselves.

Build your new "family" of chosen friends who love you and support you. And every time you start to get pulled back in, say, "Not my circus, not my monkeys" and walk away. You DESERVE a happy life! And get some counseling if this seems like too much to handle on your own. You're not superwoman, you're just another human being trying to do the best you can. If you need support, get it! Hugs to you...
Oh Boni one heart attack was one too many so don't risk another.I don't remember if you had POA but if you did give it to one of the others. You have served your time and paid the price. For now put a lot of time and distance between yourself and Mom and the rest of them. go away for a months and don't communicate. Every one has your cell hopefully except mom so if everything goes south you can easily get back. Send Mom postcards and even small souveniers from wherever you choose to go. I don't know what your hobbies are but many craftspeople offer vacations where they will teach you their craft and have you live with them and enjoy their off the grid lifestyle. OK so that may not appeal so how about a luxury cruise. Leave the cigarettes at home and everytime you fancy one go and have a massage. If learning is your thing many colleges have summer courses where you can take classes and live in the dorms for a couple of weeks. The cafeterias are often surprisingly good. Pamper yourself do whatever you can afford. Even a coach tour is better than nothing and not too expensive. Buy some new clothes even if is only on trips to the local thrift store or consignment shop. OK so you are alone and lonely but think of it as your first day at school when you did not know anyone else. Most of the men will be part of couples but there will be plenty of single woman to team up with. Give a little and you will get a lot. Mom has other kids to look after her and whatever she says or thinks you did not have a heart attack just to spite her. I have even spent a week in a convent and really enjoyed the tranquility and the way of life.
Boni, I was just writing this complicated analysis of why we caregivers do what we do, and how we should not do it. Then I realized all the writing was really not necessary. I wish you could for a while sever the mental connection with your mother and sister. You gave so much of your life already. Your brothers can let you know if your mother has a change of heart/mind so that you can let her back into your life again. There is no reason to torture yourself over a situation that you did not create. We know it is the disease with your mother.

But seriously I would love to kick your sister's a$$. Her sister has a heart attack and what does she do? Starts bad mouthing that sister to her mother. Sounds like a pretty nasty person.
I'm so glad I reached out today! Thank you for all your suggestions and caring concern. You have all helped a great deal. I will be sleeping better tonight. ;)
Awh Bon bon.... no wonder you disappeared, heck, I'd hide under the covers too. I'd like to kick her butt as well... then again, I should have kicked my own brother's asses for their lack of emotion and help. Nah... someone bigger than I will eventually kick harder than I ever could...

I have/and am learning to like myself... I am not so much lonely as I choose to be a homebot right now, when we are ready to get back I think we shall just do it, for now, it's ok ( for now) to figure it all out... I mean, how does one comprehend their own mother being such a nasty bitch?... that is the hardest, reminding yourself it's not her fault, it's not her fault... it's so important to deal with this now, before she passes.... you want to be as "clear" in your own thoughts when all Is said and done.

Welcome back... stick around for awhile!
Take of from me RUN and start your life. They always have malice and suggestions but don't help with nothing...Dealing with the same situation my mo health failed. She is at a nursing home by her husband choive and now I'm dealing with her ungrateful mo mind you...just evil and selfish I have done all I'm going to do looking for a home place her in walk away and raise my children and break the generational curse...My sister don't help but has all the suggestions in the world and the nerve to want to make decisions. God bless you but don't let them take another minute of peace or breathe away from you...You gave enough and it still wasn't and will never be enough. Move forward, walk away and don't feel guilty about nothing. As long as you have done what you could...Let them do something...

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