New to the intro.


A friend pointed me to the site today, I've been reading it voraciously and decided to post an intro.

I'm 47 (48 next week), married for 16 1/2 years (together for 18) and raising three children - college, high school and middle school. Currently I am the "go-to" girl for my 91-year-old mother-in-law, who is in assisted living. She has two living children, her son - my husband, and her daughter (SIL), as well as multiple grandchildren.

This is NOT my mother (NOTmyCIRCUS!), her children are the co-trustees, but because I don't work full-time, I was relegated to care for MIL since she was in a car accident (her fault) in March of 2013, and after she stroked out while in convalescent care in April 2013. I have been responsible for all her myriad doctor appointments and follow-up since March 2013; I was the primary assistant in the sale and cleaning out of her home; I am responsible for paying all her bills, in addition to catering to her every weekly whim.

This is an extremely toxic and dysfunctional family (just was reading the caregiving and dysfunction thread!); my FIL, whom has passed, was an alcoholic; my MIL is a co-dependent narcissist and my SIL, she's a story unto her own, which leaves my husband, himself unfortunately, a functioning alcoholic (he would deny that) and also a narcissistic co-dependent (deny that too).

My husband has very very minimal coping skills (hence the alcohol), and has had issues in the past with Xanax, to the point that I had to do an intervention in 2008. He claims that he's only using it "like when I have to give a presentation, or have an interview", but the fact that he still even gets it filled pisses me off and I KNOW he's been using more, his personality has changed drastically again.

I provide financial and medical updates to all family members regularly; but having a discussion with my husband about HIS mother is next to impossible as he has no interest in discussing her and doesn't want to hear what the doctors have to say (because that would make it too real that she is declining...but that IS the natural tendency of life). Therefore, we don't have many conversations unless they revolve around him, his work, his music, etc.

My sister in law is useless, she stole thousands while she was living with MIL several years ago, when she was supposed to be caring for her. My interaction with her is only through email and text. When I see her in person, which is rare, I am civil, but my guard is constantly up.

MIL is an ungrateful and manipulative...(I know why FIL drank!) My interactions with her are several times a week, ALWAYS for me to bring her something. I know she is wanting attention from my husband, and he's not giving it to her how she wants it. BTW, I am NOT a doormat...I am very strong, just at this point not giving much of a shit about anything. Lost my own mother in '04, and my brother in 2012, I know tragedy...

She has multiple health issues: decreasing memory, hearing loss, cataracts, open wounds on her legs (from trying to get up and walk unassisted) that require weekly wrapping and treatment, wheelchair-bound due to a stroke, no/minimal circulation in lower extremities (which is why the wounds don't heal), and pain med dependence....and then there is the emotional issues....believing she will leave assisted living and move "home" (house has been sold); belief she can handle her finances (she can't and we give her allowance and minimal checks and monitor spending); belief she will become mobile (it's been 2 1/2 years, PT is not allowed because of the open wounds on her legs)...the list goes on and on. She complains about the people in the facility, feels superior to them, like talking to some of them is so beneath her. She has no compassion, and NO FILTER WHATSOEVER. Going to doctor appointments with her is embarrassing because she talks loud and say super inappropriate things. Doctor appointments consist of her constantly requesting pain medication (she's already on a boatload).

And how does this make me feel? Anger, resentment, anger, more resentment, MORE anger...

I am in process of finding a therapist to help me cope with where I'm at in life currently, because there are days that I don't want to be here. On top of that, my own father (86) is beginning to decline and call on me for more assistance..and to top it off, I myself have health issues for which I was hospitalized in May.

I'm overwhelmed and honestly toggle between filing for divorce and just moving away, or trying to stick it out with my husband (whom by the way will NEVER attend any therapy, because he doesn't have any problems...and as he's said before, "if we can't work things out, then we are just not as vitalized as I thought") WTF? I can't be vitalized with someone who refuses to take any responsibility for their addictions or their own parent and family?

Anyway, sorry for the verbal vomit..happy to be here and hoping to learn.
p.s. I have her dog too...sigh

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Good for you, keep venting.
I was going to say that addiction is a recurring illness, but uppermost in my mind concerning you is that it is not your responsibility to fix all of the dysfunctional people. So sorry that they have chosen you to use up and to be hateful towards.
No one deserves that, ever.

Yes, Xanax and alcohol are deadly...already did the intervention in 2008. As for reporting, there are no appointments for another 6 months...I've already decided no more jumping through hoops for her, or any of them. I'll pay her bills but won't worry myself about her spending...they don't care so I don't care, period.

As far as him having an affair, doubtful. He's just and asshole...has to be right, have things his way. His best friend of over 35 years is just about done with how he talk to, maybe hitting rock bottom is what he needs to pull his head out of his ass and understand you can't treat peopl like crap no expect them to stick around.

I appreciate all the input...please realize that I'm really venting and vetting all my emotions right now...praying dutifully and trying to refocus on myself.

My birthday is tomorrow...middle of a school week, so dinner probably. I'm low-key...

I don't know how strong you are, but I find that I can't schlep my mom's portable wheelchair in and out of the car anymore. We use the transport from her NH (they also had transport at her AL) and I meet her there. It may not seem like you've gained much, but it's a huge lift to know you don't have the physical toll on you plus you avoid the drama back at the AL.

I was able to simplify what seemed like ongoing shopping by making sure she had extras of all toiletries and snack items. Then I mentioned that I'd be resupplying only once a week so please keep a list when things are LOW, not out. I eliminate emergency medication runs by using the pharmacies text alert when a refill was due. In lieu of that, I made a note on my calendar when she had about 10 pills left and called in for a refill, that I could get her on a weekly visit.

Is there something you could do at your kids' schools to help out? It'd show them that they and their lives are important to you, and would also give you another reason why you can't run to MIL.

I'm new here also, as of today. I will also do an intro as you have.

Happy Birthday! ! ! Tell us what you did on your birthday.

Xanax and alcohol are a deadly combination, I think you know that.

Clear your schedule some, right now. You won't need therapy to decide: Stop reporting, informing any in-laws, or anyone for that matter about your MIL.

Your husband is most likely having an affair to treat you that way.

Stop spending your $30 k, stop it, stop it! Think of it as each expenditure is an investment to continue your current lifestyle.

Are you cooking, and he says that stuff? O dear H, as you turn off the stove, gotta go to the bathroom, can you stir this? Don't come back. With every roll of his eyes, or with every cruel statement, you bring back the prettiest blouse new from the store. Soon, you will be looking and feeling so good, he will take notice.

If you don't take advice given to you from those who know, offered generously from forum posters, (take what you want, leave the rest), there will be no one to save you when this gets worse.

**Perhaps he can't deal with the crises in life, perhaps he was always self centered but it didn't show.. I can't really guess, but maybe marriage counseling is appropriate as well, although I doubt your husband feels there's anything wrong with HIM.**

GA: ABSOLUTELY CANNOT HANDLE THE CRISIS...which is why *I* am the one doing everything. NO COPING SKILLS WHATSOEVER! NADA. The typical child of an alcoholic/dysfunctional family where they NEVER talked about the issues within the family of origin and he will NEVER go to counseling...because there IS nothing wrong with him.

There are two older children, the oldest sister - the GOLDEN GIRL - was killed in a car accident in 1997...BUT, she is the one that raised DH. SHE was the one that "prayed to God for a brother to SAVE THE FAMILY". I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this in the 18 years I have been involved with this family...DH SAVED THE FAMILY! Yet, his mother has said, "I didn't even KNOW I was pregnant until I was 7 months along". Unbelievable BS...I've had three live children and been pregnant 5 KNOW when you are pregnant. MIL apparently was "so depressed" after DH was born (allegedly grieving her mother's passing - another N - TWO YEARS PREVIOUSLY), that his oldest (deceased) sister had to raise him the first two years...

So, NO....DH has always been held to a high esteem for saving the family and can/could do absolutely NO WRONG in MIL's truly has been the past couple of years that I've seen the co-dependent dance between the two.

Going to therapy is for ME...and will be during the day for ME

Just read your latest, posted while I was typing mine.

If your husband's verbal abuse hasn't been a longstanding issue, then he obviously has some problems that developed recently as well. Perhaps he can't deal with the crises in life, perhaps he was always self centered but it didn't show.. I can't really guess, but maybe marriage counseling is appropriate as well, although I doubt your husband feels there's anything wrong with HIM.

Still, you don't have to live your life as a verbal punching bag.

Circus, without seeming too focused on the psychological issues, there definitely are some with self esteem. Just think about this that you wrote:

Your husband says: ""f*ck you, you're selfish"...apparently frequently.

You write: "that's the story of my selfish and what a b*tch I am.'s a no-win.:

If anyone spoke to me like your husband speaks to you, he'd be very sorry. I'd be out of there in a flash, even if I had to stay at the YWCA for a few nights just to get away and get reoriented into a more positive and HEALTHY environment.

To me this suggests a pattern of verbal abuse; think: battered woman syndrome.

As to the "story of my life", there are some serious self esteem issues when someone throughout her life has been treated as you have and rationalizes it.

These should be the first topic of discussion with your therapist.

I hope he or she helps you through this; there is no point in living in a life of misery, but it will take some good therapy to help you realize that so you can get out of this life and into a better one away from your husband and his mother.

p.s. My husband and my relationship HAD been good...until the past couple of years...particuarly since I've lost my brother in 2012 in a horrid, freak accident...and my sister-in-law underwent treatment for lymphoma (stress-induced from my brother's death) well as dealing with my own father. I canNOT talk to him about my feelings, because everything will turn to HIS it's pointless. I honestly don't have anyone close to talk to about where I am in life. My May diagnosis was a complete DVT in my left leg and a pulmonary embolism...I shouldn't be alive, yet I am...and there are days that I wonder WHY THE H*LL AM I??? What's in this for ME???

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