I'm new here, and to the whole caregiving thing.... I feel so lost and alone!

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Hi everyone! I don't even know how to start on here.... I just feel so alone and frustrated and am hoping I can find some inspiration on here. My husband and I (30 and 27 yrs.) took in my mother (only 46) in March. I have an almost 5 year old and am pregnant (high risk) with baby number 2. We never thought we would be dealing with care giving until much later in life. This time last year my mom was almost dead in the hospital with kidney failure, liver disease, and lupus with severe rheumatoid arthritis. She has had 2 known strokes, but I am thinking there have been more. She was living alone and drinking and whatnot for years, and it was really becoming unsafe.
We took her in knowing it would be rough. I didn't realize how hard it would be on my family. My mom is angry and bitter and mean to everyone. She is having really bad memory loss, and issues moving around. She mixes up words for things or names for people, and asks the same questions many times within a 5 minute conversation. The worst part is that she wont let me help her. She yells at me all the time, is so mean and sarcastic to my son, and is taking too much medication (sometimes knowingly, sometimes not). I don't feel like I can handle her much more. I have no help from my brother or sister, who in all fairness are younger than me. Mom wont let me regulate her meds, and I found out last night that it's because she stole some meds and doesn't want anyone finding out, she doesn't know I know. I believe that's also why she wont let me go with her into the dr.'s office. She only yells at me when my husband isn't around, otherwise she is just mean or stays in her room. Yesterday she went off on me so bad I told her I was sending her to assisted living because I can't handle it anymore. Of course, that just made things worse,but I am honestly considering it. I don't even know how how that works!
I know I probably sound whiny and terrible, I feel awful for being so mad and stressed out about it, I mean, she's my mom. But she is making things impossible around here. Even my son wont go near her anymore. What do I do? Can I make things better? Am I really doing everything I should? It's just so much! Thanks for listening (or reading). It helps a little just getting it out somewhere when you don't have any other outlet.


Young1, it sounds like you are in a terrible predicament and need to get your mother out of your house. We had another very long thread on here about a woman with a mother from hades, but I don't remember the name of the thread. I hope someone else will. If your mother is making your home a miserable place, shop around for a senior facility that she can move into. I hope that she will go willingly. You need to recapture your life. If it goes on too long it can cost you your marriage and your children could come to resent you. There are too many options available to let that happen.

I hope that you are able to avoid stress right now as much as possible. I wish there was a way you could get away from it while you're carrying your baby. This is so complicated. Wish we could wave a wand and fix it. I know a hug won't help much, but I'm sending a huge ((((hug)))) your way.
Thanks JessieBelle, The hug helps! :)
I just feel so bad finding her a senior facility, she's SO young!
I will look for that other post, many of the posts on here have been very insightful and helpful so far so that's awesome.
Its not the age that makes her appropriate or inappropriate for a facility, and not even the mixing up words and all...it is a combination of the disease, and how she is handling it, with her addictive personality as well. She is not benefiting from being in your care and being able to just do whatever she pleases with medications and not have anyone able to work with her to manage pain, treat depression, etc. I'd be rehearsing the speech, "Mom - this is just not working. You are angry and lashing out all the time and it is hurting us and not helping you. We have to get you somewhere they can actually help you feel better. We will be there for you - if you let us - but we cannot go on like we are doing now." If she is not on disability, she needs to be. There are often at least a few younger people in assisted living or care and board homes. Area Agency on Aging or equivalent could be a resource for finding options even if she were younger than she is, and the county social services is the other place to turn if you are not already in touch. So sorry this is happening to you!!
What a horrible situation to be in. For your own health, and for the sanity of your young family, you need to get her OUT of your house. Do NOT feel guilty! Your brother & sister may be "younger" than you, but so what??? You said yourself you are in a high-risk pregnancy - why should their youth have priority over the life of your unborn child?? Bullsh*t!!! You NEED to get them on board to help you out, and that means helping you find an alternative place for her to live - period. You should not have to deal with this by yourself!!! Think of that baby you are carrying and put him/her FIRST over the needs of your mother. Talk to your mother's doctor and get the ball rolling. Good luck!
The thread is: Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

If you can manage to read the whole thread through over a period of time, it may help you find answers and how to cope. It is long but well worth the read.

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