New to this, New to that, what should be done, what's the next step?

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Ok. I'm going to try to be detailed, but not too detailed that it bores you. I am a late in life baby. My mom was almost 41 when I was born. I am now 32, so she is now 73. My father is 65. Throughout my life, my mom has had back problems resulting in many back surgeries. I was 6 when we moved from Ga to NC. When I was 8, my dad was injured causing him to start having back problems and a few surgeries. When I graduated from High School in 98, they moved back to Ga. to be closer to a back doctor that my mom would go to twice a yr down there (cause she trusted him so).

A few years ago, things have begun to go downhill. My mom started having seizures and would go into a trance like state. Then she had a toxic UTI causing her to go into a coma and almost died. She came out of it (obviously, since I'm here :) ) The seizure activity continued. Sometimes I would talk to her on the phone and she couldn't think of simple words as "book" or little things like that. She would also end up having to hang up with me because she'd start to hit herself on the head with the phone. She ended up in the hospital for dehydration and my dad finally got another doctor to look at her. He ran some other tests and found she was actually having strokes, not seizures. (remember those doctors she trusted so much in Ga....ha!) Got her into rehab in a NH and she started doing soooo good. Dad was doing also good because he was able to sleep since he wasn't having to listen for her to see if she was trying to cook (she once left a pot on the stove in the middle of the night and almost started a fire) or doing laundry or trying to clean up a spot on the carpet from the dog. He was walking up to 2 miles a day and sounded so strong.

Then she came out of the rehab. And she began falling again. She had memory problems again. She was up all the time. I finally convinced them to move back up here to NC to be back closer to me so I can help out some.

They did in Jan. Since then, my mom started getting better, but then turned again for the worse. She has fallen a lot, she forgets when I have talked to her, forgotten HOW she has fallen or how she got a bruise.

Dad has been sooo worn out from AGAIN having to listen for her. He on anti-anxiety meds, then gets upset at himself for getting anxiety. I told him that if he WASN'T upset about this, I would be more worried. This is his wife of 34 years and he doesn't like seeing her this way. HELLOOO!?!?!

She has lately been asking where certain people are or if she can call them. The thing is...the people she is asking about are...dead. The thing that got him was two days ago, she came rushing into the room he was in, looking terrified. She said "Where's my baby?" He said "You haven't had a baby in over 30 yrs." She just walked out. A little later she again came rushing in, again terrified, saying "Where's my baby?!? My blond hair, blue eyed baby boy?" My dad said "You haven't had a baby boy in over 40 years." She said "He was just at the end of my bed!" He told her "You don't have a baby." She walked out of the room (He's not that great at tact..lol).

I saw her today and besides looking tired, she was ok. The main problem my dad has is, since she was ok today, he goes "Well, she's ok today, so maybe it'll blow over." This has been his response every time something happens. I have used the "What if she falls and you don't get to her in time?" and the latest one I used was "What if she walks out of the house and forgets where y'all live?" to try and get some sense into him.

I'm worried that something is going to happen to her and then he's gonna feel guilty that he didn't act fast enough. (or even me that I didn't push more). I don't know what exactly is going on with her, cause the docs say she's fine (I hate to tell them...she's not!!) but something needs to give somewhere, but I'm not sure where and where I should exert myself into it all. Or how to go about doing it.

Thanks for any help :)

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Just wanted to thank everyone who wrote on here. I know I was not always writing on here.

My mother passed away last night. Even tho me and my dad had just spoken to her an hour beforehand and she was feeling great last night.

Thanks for everyone's help.
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Lgm0103, reading between the lines a little, I take it that your mother has not been admitted to a nursing home, but that she is in a transitional care unit (TCU) of a nursing home. (Often called rehab facilitiy.) This is supposed to be a place where people recover from whatever put them in the hospital and then move on. There are some pretty strict insurance guidelines for how long and under what conditions they'll pay for a stay in a TCU. So that "they" are talking about Mother being ready to be discharged they probably mean she will soon not be eligible for insurance coverage where she is. They, of course, want to be sure they will be paid.

It sounds like they consider her not to be qualified medically for skilled nursing care. And you know she can't go home. What is inbetween? Assisted Living for one thing. I suggest you talk to that Social Worker in greater depth and see if AL could work for your mom. She would have activities to participate in and other people to get to know and some supervision such as managing her pills. It might be the perfect solution if it can be made to work financially.

Just be very sure that the social worker knows the home situation with Dad and your other responsibilities that prevent you from helping out as much as Mother needs. And when there is a care conference, attend it and speak up!

Good luck to you, and continue to keep us updated.
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Well, things keep going back and forth. Ergggggg. So mom got in to the nursing home. Yippee.Now they are talking AGAIN about "letting her go home!" Really?!?! Sometimes I wonder if ppl listen. So aggravating.

So since last post (Oct 16th), mom has done well, then not well again. She does the activities that are offered, which is awesome :) While I was growing up, she didn't have many friends and now she is now forming relationships. Also, they have moved her to another room and she LOVES her roommate now. The sad thing is, her roommate has a brain tumor and isn't expected to live but a few more months. She seems so nice (I've only met her once for a few minutes cuz the meds she is on keeps her sleeping a lot) Mom had to have cataract surgery on one eye last week. Then she'll have the other one done later.

But as I said at the beginning, they are talking about letting her go. Last week, she fell 3 times. Yet they want to send her home to a husband who can't take care of her. She is so weak these days, yet they wanna send her home. Last Sat, they had a fall festival. She was looking forward to it (probably more because me and 3 out of 4 boys were going to come). However, she pretty much dozed the whole time. She had a hard time not falling asleep. She's having memory problems again. Couldn't even think of small words. Yet, they wanna send her home to a husband that can't take care of her. I know I'm repeating myself, but it makes me so mad.

Then my dad....he needs to find a new place to live because without having my mom's income, he won't be able to afford the place he's at now. However, he won't go looking. I keep talking to him, giving him #'s and places that are in the paper, yet he's not getting out there and looking. Not even calling. Yet guess who's gonna have to do the moving of him? My family. So he's gonna end up waiting til the last minute and we'll have to rush to get him moved in a few days. I know this because when we got him moved up here to NC from Ga, they had 3 months to get packed up.....they didn't get started until a week beforehand. And so they had to get a couple of ppl in the neighborhood that they were kinda close to to help them. (And now I always hear how they don't like how those ppl packed the things) So my dad has til the 26th of this month to: find a place, get stuff packed, and get it ready to go. Will it happen with time to spare?...don't really think so. In fact when he thought he had to get out by Oct 31st, he wasn't ready AT ALL, with anything. Now that he's got almost a month longer, I STILL don't know if he'll be ready. My 9 yr old is out of school on Monday and Tuesday, so I am having him go and help him with some packing. Hopefully that will motivate him some.

So I'm stressed of what will they decide about mom. One of the social workers mentioned maybe her going to an assisted living that goes off of her income. Just don't know.....

Then my dad not even trying to get things done, then the pressure will be on me to get him moved.

All this while trying to keep up my own home, kids, going to school, doing homework, and worrying about my own financial problems...plus I am almost being a single parent cuz my husband is barely home anymore.

I realized that many of you have been thru this and say that I don't have it bad...but I haven't been in this situation for long, so I don't know how to handle it.
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Thank you for the update! This sounds positive, if not perfect.
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So, it has been an interesting little bit. Dad has been back and forth about mom. I had to keep reminding him that he NEEDED to do it. Finally it got down to mom agreeing to go. They had decided to get her put into the hospital last Fri to start the process. At her doc appt on Tues, she passed out there. The ambulance had to come and take her to the hospital. Turns out, she was 5 pints low on blood. Dad tried to use that as saying "Maybe that's just what's been her problem" I had to again remind him that mom has been having problems for yrs, so I didn't see that as being the cause for so long. He agreed.

The hospital tried to let her go on Sat after having ran test and giving her blood transfusions since Tues. The nurse had to help her to the bathroom and my dad asked her "So who's gonna do that once she gets home?" The nurse:"You can" Dad:"I can't do it anymore. I'm just not able to." So they agreed to keep her over the weekend (even tho now they say they don't know if insurance will pay since they tried to let her go) Then on Monday, the nurse was anxious to get mom out of the hospital all day. She finally discharged mom to the nursing home. Come to find out, she wasn't supposed to do that and had to bring mom back from the home and re-admit her to the hospital (bet someone got in trouble for that) The insurance stuff hadn't been worked out for the home yet.

The next day, mom was finally able to go to the home. She has been there for a week today. Two problems.

1~ She has the most uncompromising roommate. The roommate "has" to have the heat on so high that mom starts to feel ill. I say "has" because when my dad goes up there and turns it down, the roommate doesn't notice for a while. The roommate won't let mom watch anything at all. It "has" to be whatever she wants.

2~ They keep telling mom "Whenever you go home....." Thing is, she can't come home. I got to talk to a social worker today and told her that there is no way mom can come home. If she does, BOTH of my parents were going to end up at the nursing home. Dad just can't do it and mom can't do it herself. I'm hoping that will be the last of people getting mom's hopes up. I think mom knows that it can't happen (the social worker said that mom was the first person she's had to hesitate when the social worker asks about going home. She said most people are "Oh, I AM going home. Mom wasn't sure about it.)

Hopefully this will help dad. Right now, dad is going to have to move to another apartment since the place he's at, he won't be able to afford without mom. So he's hustling and bustling to get things packed up (along with helping mom get settled) So hopefully he will be able to get some rest. He has said he is finally getting some GOOD sleep, so that is DEF. gonna help.
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Is it possible that there is a doctor in the picture who would play the bad guy?
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Yes, I have been pushing for her to be placed for a while now. I just haven't been able to get that across to my dad until this past weekend. My dad finally has accepted that he just can't take take of her. He told me this weekend that he probably wouldn't have let me know any of what was happening (I mean really happening) but since he was sick and needed help, he HAD to let me know.

I totally agree that my mom is not there mentally at times. She doesn't have a true diagnosis of anything, but what she does, how she acts sometimes, and how things are just about her at times....isn't normal (Normal is just a setting on a dryer :) )....but it's wayyyy out there.

My dad is sooo worried that if she gets placed, she will blame him...like "Well, I'm in here because of you." I think that has been one thing that has stopped him before (among other things). I'm hoping that maybe if I get a POA, that maybe she will look at it as I am the one doing it (yea...that's sooo much better...being sarcastic:) ), but that maybe that is one burden off him and he will stick to his guns this time. Hopefully...maybe?
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I am a big proponent of in-home care. I use it myself for my husband, and we also have arranged it for our mother, 92. But I don't think in this case it is the answer. Your mother really needs 24 hour care -- sporadically, but unpredictably. Dad does not sound up to providing the level of care she needs even if he had help with certain tasks, such as bathing her.

If you are having serious conversations with your mother and then are surprised she doesn't grasp or remember the main points, I think that maybe you don't fully accept her cognitive impairments. Whether she officially has a diagnosis of "dementia" or not, this woman is not functioning in good mental health.

This is how I see it. Do you agree? Mother needs placement. Father needs for Mother to be placed. At this time Father does not need to be in a care center. Mother is not able to make sensible decisions in her own best interests. You and Father need to make decisions for her, and implement them. Is that about how it stands?

This is very, very, hard, for all three of you. My heart goes out to you. Best wishes as you struggle with this.
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The one thing I would add to the above discussions is to repeat from time to time, "Mom, it's not your fault." Whether spoken or not, patients often know that something is wrong, but don't know what the problem is or why they even have the problem. My husband cries a lot. It helps if I tell him he's doing everything right and it's not his fault. This is surely a rough time of life, isn't it?
Corinne
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Aug. 20,2012
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I haven't. They tried that back when they lived in Ga (I just got them moved back near me in NC in Jan) and so anytime my mom wasn't feeling good, she had my dad call and cancel them. Tell them not to come over.

My mom will stay awake all night and do stuff, whether it be laundry, vacuum, or she even tried to cook one time. So even just having someone during the day wouldn't help my dad out much.

When my mom had to go into the nursing home in Ga for rehab, my dad did wonderful! He was able to get sleep, was walking 2 miles a day, able to go see my mom 2 or 3 times a day and still feel good.... just because he emotionally wasn't feeling responsible for her 24/7. He is so drained from worry and knowing that he can't help her ALL the time, that he is taking himself down too.

I just got off the phone with him, a few minute conversation since my mom was hanging around, and all my mom got from my conversation with her last night was that they need to be more positive around me. That they don't need to bring me down with their problems. THAT WASN'T what I talked to her about yesterday. I was trying to get her to see what she was doing to my dad and that is all she got out of it!!! I'm aggravated that she doesn't see!!!
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