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Ok. I'm going to try to be detailed, but not too detailed that it bores you. I am a late in life baby. My mom was almost 41 when I was born. I am now 32, so she is now 73. My father is 65. Throughout my life, my mom has had back problems resulting in many back surgeries. I was 6 when we moved from Ga to NC. When I was 8, my dad was injured causing him to start having back problems and a few surgeries. When I graduated from High School in 98, they moved back to Ga. to be closer to a back doctor that my mom would go to twice a yr down there (cause she trusted him so).

A few years ago, things have begun to go downhill. My mom started having seizures and would go into a trance like state. Then she had a toxic UTI causing her to go into a coma and almost died. She came out of it (obviously, since I'm here :) ) The seizure activity continued. Sometimes I would talk to her on the phone and she couldn't think of simple words as "book" or little things like that. She would also end up having to hang up with me because she'd start to hit herself on the head with the phone. She ended up in the hospital for dehydration and my dad finally got another doctor to look at her. He ran some other tests and found she was actually having strokes, not seizures. (remember those doctors she trusted so much in Ga....ha!) Got her into rehab in a NH and she started doing soooo good. Dad was doing also good because he was able to sleep since he wasn't having to listen for her to see if she was trying to cook (she once left a pot on the stove in the middle of the night and almost started a fire) or doing laundry or trying to clean up a spot on the carpet from the dog. He was walking up to 2 miles a day and sounded so strong.

Then she came out of the rehab. And she began falling again. She had memory problems again. She was up all the time. I finally convinced them to move back up here to NC to be back closer to me so I can help out some.

They did in Jan. Since then, my mom started getting better, but then turned again for the worse. She has fallen a lot, she forgets when I have talked to her, forgotten HOW she has fallen or how she got a bruise.

Dad has been sooo worn out from AGAIN having to listen for her. He on anti-anxiety meds, then gets upset at himself for getting anxiety. I told him that if he WASN'T upset about this, I would be more worried. This is his wife of 34 years and he doesn't like seeing her this way. HELLOOO!?!?!

She has lately been asking where certain people are or if she can call them. The thing is...the people she is asking about are...dead. The thing that got him was two days ago, she came rushing into the room he was in, looking terrified. She said "Where's my baby?" He said "You haven't had a baby in over 30 yrs." She just walked out. A little later she again came rushing in, again terrified, saying "Where's my baby?!? My blond hair, blue eyed baby boy?" My dad said "You haven't had a baby boy in over 40 years." She said "He was just at the end of my bed!" He told her "You don't have a baby." She walked out of the room (He's not that great at tact..lol).

I saw her today and besides looking tired, she was ok. The main problem my dad has is, since she was ok today, he goes "Well, she's ok today, so maybe it'll blow over." This has been his response every time something happens. I have used the "What if she falls and you don't get to her in time?" and the latest one I used was "What if she walks out of the house and forgets where y'all live?" to try and get some sense into him.

I'm worried that something is going to happen to her and then he's gonna feel guilty that he didn't act fast enough. (or even me that I didn't push more). I don't know what exactly is going on with her, cause the docs say she's fine (I hate to tell them...she's not!!) but something needs to give somewhere, but I'm not sure where and where I should exert myself into it all. Or how to go about doing it.

Thanks for any help :)

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Just wanted to thank everyone who wrote on here. I know I was not always writing on here.

My mother passed away last night. Even tho me and my dad had just spoken to her an hour beforehand and she was feeling great last night.

Thanks for everyone's help.
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Lgm0103, reading between the lines a little, I take it that your mother has not been admitted to a nursing home, but that she is in a transitional care unit (TCU) of a nursing home. (Often called rehab facilitiy.) This is supposed to be a place where people recover from whatever put them in the hospital and then move on. There are some pretty strict insurance guidelines for how long and under what conditions they'll pay for a stay in a TCU. So that "they" are talking about Mother being ready to be discharged they probably mean she will soon not be eligible for insurance coverage where she is. They, of course, want to be sure they will be paid.

It sounds like they consider her not to be qualified medically for skilled nursing care. And you know she can't go home. What is inbetween? Assisted Living for one thing. I suggest you talk to that Social Worker in greater depth and see if AL could work for your mom. She would have activities to participate in and other people to get to know and some supervision such as managing her pills. It might be the perfect solution if it can be made to work financially.

Just be very sure that the social worker knows the home situation with Dad and your other responsibilities that prevent you from helping out as much as Mother needs. And when there is a care conference, attend it and speak up!

Good luck to you, and continue to keep us updated.
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Well, things keep going back and forth. Ergggggg. So mom got in to the nursing home. Yippee.Now they are talking AGAIN about "letting her go home!" Really?!?! Sometimes I wonder if ppl listen. So aggravating.

So since last post (Oct 16th), mom has done well, then not well again. She does the activities that are offered, which is awesome :) While I was growing up, she didn't have many friends and now she is now forming relationships. Also, they have moved her to another room and she LOVES her roommate now. The sad thing is, her roommate has a brain tumor and isn't expected to live but a few more months. She seems so nice (I've only met her once for a few minutes cuz the meds she is on keeps her sleeping a lot) Mom had to have cataract surgery on one eye last week. Then she'll have the other one done later.

But as I said at the beginning, they are talking about letting her go. Last week, she fell 3 times. Yet they want to send her home to a husband who can't take care of her. She is so weak these days, yet they wanna send her home. Last Sat, they had a fall festival. She was looking forward to it (probably more because me and 3 out of 4 boys were going to come). However, she pretty much dozed the whole time. She had a hard time not falling asleep. She's having memory problems again. Couldn't even think of small words. Yet, they wanna send her home to a husband that can't take care of her. I know I'm repeating myself, but it makes me so mad.

Then my dad....he needs to find a new place to live because without having my mom's income, he won't be able to afford the place he's at now. However, he won't go looking. I keep talking to him, giving him #'s and places that are in the paper, yet he's not getting out there and looking. Not even calling. Yet guess who's gonna have to do the moving of him? My family. So he's gonna end up waiting til the last minute and we'll have to rush to get him moved in a few days. I know this because when we got him moved up here to NC from Ga, they had 3 months to get packed up.....they didn't get started until a week beforehand. And so they had to get a couple of ppl in the neighborhood that they were kinda close to to help them. (And now I always hear how they don't like how those ppl packed the things) So my dad has til the 26th of this month to: find a place, get stuff packed, and get it ready to go. Will it happen with time to spare?...don't really think so. In fact when he thought he had to get out by Oct 31st, he wasn't ready AT ALL, with anything. Now that he's got almost a month longer, I STILL don't know if he'll be ready. My 9 yr old is out of school on Monday and Tuesday, so I am having him go and help him with some packing. Hopefully that will motivate him some.

So I'm stressed of what will they decide about mom. One of the social workers mentioned maybe her going to an assisted living that goes off of her income. Just don't know.....

Then my dad not even trying to get things done, then the pressure will be on me to get him moved.

All this while trying to keep up my own home, kids, going to school, doing homework, and worrying about my own financial problems...plus I am almost being a single parent cuz my husband is barely home anymore.

I realized that many of you have been thru this and say that I don't have it bad...but I haven't been in this situation for long, so I don't know how to handle it.
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Thank you for the update! This sounds positive, if not perfect.
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So, it has been an interesting little bit. Dad has been back and forth about mom. I had to keep reminding him that he NEEDED to do it. Finally it got down to mom agreeing to go. They had decided to get her put into the hospital last Fri to start the process. At her doc appt on Tues, she passed out there. The ambulance had to come and take her to the hospital. Turns out, she was 5 pints low on blood. Dad tried to use that as saying "Maybe that's just what's been her problem" I had to again remind him that mom has been having problems for yrs, so I didn't see that as being the cause for so long. He agreed.

The hospital tried to let her go on Sat after having ran test and giving her blood transfusions since Tues. The nurse had to help her to the bathroom and my dad asked her "So who's gonna do that once she gets home?" The nurse:"You can" Dad:"I can't do it anymore. I'm just not able to." So they agreed to keep her over the weekend (even tho now they say they don't know if insurance will pay since they tried to let her go) Then on Monday, the nurse was anxious to get mom out of the hospital all day. She finally discharged mom to the nursing home. Come to find out, she wasn't supposed to do that and had to bring mom back from the home and re-admit her to the hospital (bet someone got in trouble for that) The insurance stuff hadn't been worked out for the home yet.

The next day, mom was finally able to go to the home. She has been there for a week today. Two problems.

1~ She has the most uncompromising roommate. The roommate "has" to have the heat on so high that mom starts to feel ill. I say "has" because when my dad goes up there and turns it down, the roommate doesn't notice for a while. The roommate won't let mom watch anything at all. It "has" to be whatever she wants.

2~ They keep telling mom "Whenever you go home....." Thing is, she can't come home. I got to talk to a social worker today and told her that there is no way mom can come home. If she does, BOTH of my parents were going to end up at the nursing home. Dad just can't do it and mom can't do it herself. I'm hoping that will be the last of people getting mom's hopes up. I think mom knows that it can't happen (the social worker said that mom was the first person she's had to hesitate when the social worker asks about going home. She said most people are "Oh, I AM going home. Mom wasn't sure about it.)

Hopefully this will help dad. Right now, dad is going to have to move to another apartment since the place he's at, he won't be able to afford without mom. So he's hustling and bustling to get things packed up (along with helping mom get settled) So hopefully he will be able to get some rest. He has said he is finally getting some GOOD sleep, so that is DEF. gonna help.
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Is it possible that there is a doctor in the picture who would play the bad guy?
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Yes, I have been pushing for her to be placed for a while now. I just haven't been able to get that across to my dad until this past weekend. My dad finally has accepted that he just can't take take of her. He told me this weekend that he probably wouldn't have let me know any of what was happening (I mean really happening) but since he was sick and needed help, he HAD to let me know.

I totally agree that my mom is not there mentally at times. She doesn't have a true diagnosis of anything, but what she does, how she acts sometimes, and how things are just about her at times....isn't normal (Normal is just a setting on a dryer :) )....but it's wayyyy out there.

My dad is sooo worried that if she gets placed, she will blame him...like "Well, I'm in here because of you." I think that has been one thing that has stopped him before (among other things). I'm hoping that maybe if I get a POA, that maybe she will look at it as I am the one doing it (yea...that's sooo much better...being sarcastic:) ), but that maybe that is one burden off him and he will stick to his guns this time. Hopefully...maybe?
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I am a big proponent of in-home care. I use it myself for my husband, and we also have arranged it for our mother, 92. But I don't think in this case it is the answer. Your mother really needs 24 hour care -- sporadically, but unpredictably. Dad does not sound up to providing the level of care she needs even if he had help with certain tasks, such as bathing her.

If you are having serious conversations with your mother and then are surprised she doesn't grasp or remember the main points, I think that maybe you don't fully accept her cognitive impairments. Whether she officially has a diagnosis of "dementia" or not, this woman is not functioning in good mental health.

This is how I see it. Do you agree? Mother needs placement. Father needs for Mother to be placed. At this time Father does not need to be in a care center. Mother is not able to make sensible decisions in her own best interests. You and Father need to make decisions for her, and implement them. Is that about how it stands?

This is very, very, hard, for all three of you. My heart goes out to you. Best wishes as you struggle with this.
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The one thing I would add to the above discussions is to repeat from time to time, "Mom, it's not your fault." Whether spoken or not, patients often know that something is wrong, but don't know what the problem is or why they even have the problem. My husband cries a lot. It helps if I tell him he's doing everything right and it's not his fault. This is surely a rough time of life, isn't it?
Corinne
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Aug. 20,2012
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I haven't. They tried that back when they lived in Ga (I just got them moved back near me in NC in Jan) and so anytime my mom wasn't feeling good, she had my dad call and cancel them. Tell them not to come over.

My mom will stay awake all night and do stuff, whether it be laundry, vacuum, or she even tried to cook one time. So even just having someone during the day wouldn't help my dad out much.

When my mom had to go into the nursing home in Ga for rehab, my dad did wonderful! He was able to get sleep, was walking 2 miles a day, able to go see my mom 2 or 3 times a day and still feel good.... just because he emotionally wasn't feeling responsible for her 24/7. He is so drained from worry and knowing that he can't help her ALL the time, that he is taking himself down too.

I just got off the phone with him, a few minute conversation since my mom was hanging around, and all my mom got from my conversation with her last night was that they need to be more positive around me. That they don't need to bring me down with their problems. THAT WASN'T what I talked to her about yesterday. I was trying to get her to see what she was doing to my dad and that is all she got out of it!!! I'm aggravated that she doesn't see!!!
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Have you contacted a Home Health Care Agency that could provide someone during the day to assist your parents? Depending on your location could be a way to locate in home help. This would be an option until you are able to find a nursing home and might even keep them at home long enough for a better transition.
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Sorry I haven't been on here for a while. I have been trying to convince my dad that he just couldn't take care of my mom and take care of himself too. I am a mom to 4 boys ages 12, 9, 4, and 1. I am also a full time college student 3 semesters away from getting my degree. I'm telling you this because for the last few months, my dad has been hiding how downhill it has been going over at my parents house. Whenever my dad hasn't been feeling well, luckily, my mom has been able to take care of him to an extent. And then when my mom has been bad, my dad has been able to take care of her. I have been onto him because I have been telling him that since he can't sleep well since he is always half asleep/half awake listening for her, his body isn't able to get rested and replenish itself when he is down a bit.

This past Fri., dad was down bad. When mom called me, she told me that she was waiting on the doctor to call and what was going on. My dad was having problems waking up and was moaning and my mom was worried. Then she said "Wait. The doctor did tell me what to do. What was it? Did she tell me to take him to the ER? I can't remember. Because I think I asked her how I was going to get him there since I couldn't drive. But I don't know if that's what she said. Is that what she said?" I told her to call the doc back and then call me. Two hours later I called her back and she said dad had woken up and was doing better.

Then later me and dad had a serious talk. I told him he couldn't keep putting his body through this and putting himself and her in danger. Then I flat out asked "How long are you going to live like this?" That is the question that he needed to hear, I guess, because he said that no one has ever put it to him that way before (although I have, but he doesn't remember it) I spent a few hours on Sat over there so that dad could rest and not worry about mom.

On Sunday, I went back over there for the day. Dad asked me to talk to mom. To see what her feelings were and to see where her head stood. She doesn't realize what she's doing to my dad. She thinks something is wrong with my dad cause he "sleeps" all the time. When I say that he don't sleep because he's worried about her, she says that she's worried about him, but you don't see her being like that so obviously something is really wrong with him. She doesn't remember falls she has, doesn't remember things she does. She threw away her glasses the other day so now she has to use her prescription sunglasses in the house.

So dad has finally broke down (literally) and said that he just can't take care of her anymore. I went by a nursing home here and asked what all I needed to get done. She also suggested I get a POA so that if she tries to fight it. I'm worried she might. Mom DID bring up her AND dad going into the nursing home. When I asked her "What if there's not an opening for both of you?" She replied "I guess we'd just get on a waiting list and wait til there is one." I just know dad can't do that. My heart was breaking this weekend seeing my dad break down in tears. He doesn't do that around me and he did it a lot this weekend.

Hopefully he's not going to back down again, because I think if he backs down again, it won't ever happen.

(I hope all this makes sense...I usually proofread before posting anything, but I'm pooped...lol...and I just wanted to get this out there :) )
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I've been through this to verying extents with both my grandmother and now my mom. I pretty much accepted my grandmother getting and acting older because, well, she was always old to me anyway. When it's your parents you really tend to internalize it and take it personally, like they are not allowed to get older. Some folks like my dad just have a heart attack and leave you. Others like both our moms go through what you are explaining. Yes, like everyone has already said, you need to get better medical advice and exams, but don't fool yourself . . . your parents are only going to get older. Taking care of your parents can be very taxing as you've found, but you won't deal with this forever and when they are gone you will miss the part of your life that had purpose to their caregiving. What I'm saying is you just need to keep it all in perspective. Don't become anyone's full-time caregiver - that's what medical and social services are for.Best of luck.
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lillian41, thank you for sharing your experience. Perhaps it will inspire someone to take a tough stand and intervene earlier. But please don't beat yourself up for doing your best. We can't always prevent our loved ones' unsafe behavior.
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I agree with earlier post, you really need to get mom a complete physical. This sounds like things my dad was doing, we had been told two years before he had dementia but he refused to believe the doctor, wouldn't take his medicine for memory, etc. I watched my dad get progressively worse, i was receiving phone calls from the police department that dad was driving poorly and I needed to pick up his truck. I begged my dad to go to the doctor or go to the nursing home, my mom is in the nursing home and dad would go visit her every day and they old feed him lunch. I said all this to say on super bowl Sunday I thought dad was getting ready to watch his team play but couldn't get him on the phone so I went over there, glad I had a key, I found my dad in the bathroom floor, I believe he had been there for a day, he hasn't been the same since. We spent a week in the hospital and he is now living at the nursing home sharing a room with my mom. He doesn't talk a lot and some time I don't know if he even knows me but he is safe and that is what matters. Please get your mom help, something is going on, I wish over and over I would have done more maybe dad wouldn't have progressed so fast.
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Hi lgm-Tuesday alert! We are off to run some errands, hope u had a good weekend. I thought of a NP that I think a lot of; she moved to your region. It doesn't look like she is working for a regular practice tho, maybe a facility or ins co. If u have trouble finding someone, let me know, n I can see if she could make
a suggestion. Have a good week! Kimbee
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Glad to hear mom had a good day! And sorry to hear she's having more bad ones. I'm day- challenged w/o a holiday thrown in!! Hope you get some stuff going next week. Glad you're still with us! Kimbee
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Still here :) Guess I was just thrown off by the holiday week...couldn't ever keep my days straight..lol. Tues. was Wed. Wed. was Thurs. I finally got Thurs right, but it just felt weird..lol So since I had Tues wrong all day, I didn't make any calls for my mom :( And then of course Wed was the actual holiday, so I couldn't call...uggg. So I guess I will be working on the calls this week.

Dad and Mom came over today to spend time at my house. Dad called me later and said that today was a good day for her, so he wanted to make sure she got around family because she was having more bad days than good. Said that he was afraid to leave her alone any, although there were times that he had to (to run to the store or such), but he tries not to, but today was a really good day for her.
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Lgm, how are you doing? Thinking of you, hope you have a little 4th fun today. Kimbee
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Lgm-so glad your dad is receptive-you ARE doin great. Duke is a long trip. You can go for a one time evaluation and get some direction how to proceed and give a referral to local provider. U can also go to NC medical board and look up docs by location and practice specialty. There u can see where they went to med school, board cert's. N practice info. it took us a doc or two to get going but we have both a local geriatrician and still go to duke about once a year, until the trip is too much for her. Both doc's happily coordinate w each other. I think you cac also just contact the Geriatri Dept. At Duke and ask if they can suggest a few docs in your area. They seem to pretty much know most resources in the state, as far as other Geri specialists. Plus- if they have a duke grad near you, they will let u know that. Let us know what you find out. I too got a POA for my mom too, very helpful...
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Lgm: Yeah for you and your dad. Your dad sounds like such a sweet man. Do you have POA for your parents? That would be something to pursue, but maybe get mom to her new doc first. I think your mom knows more about her mental status than she is admitting to. I hope the new doctor can gain her confidence. Their might be some medication that can help her.

You are doing a great job. Keep us posted.

Cattails
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Ok. Talked with my dad today and told him about this wonderful site :) Told him that I am starting the search for a geriatrician. It actually works out good because she's not happy with the doctor they got in with when they first moved up here. I had been planning on looking for another doctor for her anyways. He agreed and is happy for me to do this.

He said he is keeping a journal right now of all that has been going on. So that's good. Although I am going to make sure that I do it, too, so that I make sure it's with us somewhere.

When I asked if she knew about the baby incident and the asking for her mom and others, he said that one time he had asked her if she remembered falling the day before and she said yes. Then he asked if she remembered asking for her mom and she took the conversation off in another direction, like she didn't hear him, so he let it go. So he don't know if she remembers or not.

He thanked me for all the help I'm giving him/them and said sometimes his mind can't keep up with what needs to be done. They have been late on a few bills because dad has forgotten to write the checks. He has never forgotten to pay bills before, so he's getting down on himself for that. I told him he has to let me know what he needs help with because if I don't know what's going on, I can't help. :)

Kimbee~ I'm in the middle of the state. In Salisbury, about 45 miles N of Charlotte.
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Lgm, Yes make a list of the things that are scaring you and your dad. Sit mom down when she has a clear mental moment and say "Mom, remember when I was growing up and you would see that there might be something wrong with me? maybe you thought I might be getting sick, even though I didn't think so? Well that's what's happening now to you, and I NEED to get you in to see a doctor in order to see if I'm right or not". Paint a 'word picture' for her to understand what's happening to her, in relation to how she felt when you were in need of help. Tell dad to get his head out of the ether bag and get on board with you, cause you're taking her in no matter what. None of you can live like this, especially your poor mom. Good luck.
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Hi lgm, you are in NC? Great geriatric treatment and eval clinic at Duke. at 1st visit, family w SWorker, mom w MD &RN. yes write out concerns. Sw will meet w md and then everyone meets together for results, recommendations. The give mom a written report to take with her that day. Great service! They also have a memory disorder center at Duke. Which region of NC R U in? I know of some other resources too, Duke is great though.good luck.
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Lgm, 2 years ago my father in law went thru some congestive heat failure and skin cancer surgeries. He's very closed mouth about his dr visits. Since I do not work during the summer, I was the obvious choice to take him to dr appts. I filled the paperwork in for him to sign. There was a paper involving the privacy act, and the question was did he give permission to discuss his health with anyone other than him. I filled out my mil and all 4 of his children. Now after his appts any one of them can pick up the phone and find out his examination results. I would think that would apply in each state.
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And, by the way, a geriatrician is not a "specialist" in the sense that you would have a "regular doctor" that you see about some things and then also a geriatrician that you consult about only special things. It is like a child having a pediatrician -- that doctor is the child's primary care provider.

Both my father and now my mother had/have geriatricians as their PCP. It has nothing to do with dementia in either case. My husband sees a dementia specialist for treating his Lewy Body Dementia and sees a geriatrician (who keeps informed of his dementia treatment) for everything else.

A geriatrican is a great place to start and would be a wonderful choice for a PCP, but there may be additional referrals involved, too.
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A geriatrician is simply a doctor who specializes in treating elders, just as a pediatrician treats children. There is no stigma attached to seeing such a doctor. Now that your parents have moved near you, you are trying to see that they have good care, including a great Primary Care Provider. You've heard good things about this doctor and you want Mother to start by having a check up, seeing if she likes this doctor, then having her records transferred to this clinic, etc. Personally, I wouldn't go in to all the episodes with Mother. There may be a need for that at some point, but I don't see it just to get a check up.

Having an established relationship with a PCP before need arises is just good practice. Dad should have a local doctor, too, now that they've moved. If he doesn't, then he should have an appointment, too. (Of course I'm not suggesting the same kind of testing for him. But that is behind-the-scenes with the doctor, and Mother doesn't have to know about that.)

Good luck!
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Hi Lgm: First of all, everything posted above is excellent advise. Absolutely, get your mom into a geriatric specialist who deals with dementia. Maybe her primary doc can give you a referral. Are you or your father authorized to speak to her primary doc on the phone or in a consultation? Hopefully, that is the case and it will make things easier.

My suggestion would be that you write down all of the problems your mom is having and take it with you to the specialist. He can read it so you don't have to explain it all in front of your mom.

I think I would approach it from her falling. Does she have a memory of her falls? Can you say, "Mom, we are taking you to a specialist because you are having too many falls and we want to see if there is some medication that can help. We want an expert in on your care, a good second opinion." This may not be the perfect words, but you will need to be somewhat honest that you feel she is having more small strokes and you want to get her the best medical help. She might know more than you think she knows, even if it's just a feeling that something is wrong. I hope she will listen to your father and understand that you both want her home and safe.

My dad has had a couple of strokes and he has some dementia as a result. It's vascular dementia and that could certainly be the case with your mom. It does sound advanced, but there could be some medications that will help her sleep at night and stop the hallucinations.

You are starting a new journey. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Take it a day at a time and do all you can to let your mom know she is loved and safe with you.

Please keep us posted. Love and Hugs, Cattails
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Ok. So what should I say to her..or what should he say to her..either and or...in order for her to go to a geriatrician? She doesn't remember these episodes and I always hate to even suggest to her that she has forgotten something. So should I/he/we tell her anything of what she has been doing or just tell her it's for a check-up? But wouldn't she see thru that? See...I'm at a loss at how to approach her (and so is my Dad).

But yes, I will definitely call about the geriatrician, just...what to say to her.
(And thanks...cause I woulda never known about doing that! :) ...I might have found that long post by accident, but there was a purpose :) )
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I agree with Nancy. Mom needs to be seen by a geriatrician. And that doctor needs to be breifed about what is going on at home -- not just what shows up in the office.

Mother is not fine. Women who are fine don't ask where dead people are and don't think there are babies at the foot of their bed and don't wake up every few hours and become active. Mother is Not Fine. This will not Blow Over.

How much should you butt in? I think it would be a great service if you can have your mother thoroughly evaluated.

Once you have a better handle on what is behind her not being fine, then educate yourself and gradually your father about the most effective ways to deal with it.

For example, if she has dementia with delusions and/or hallucinations, telling her "there is no baby," may not be as helpful as "the baby's mother came and picked him up a few minutes ago. She thanked you for taking such good care of him."

Once Mother's problems are better identified, it may be possible to help her sleep through the night better, and hence give your father a better rest.

It may be necessary to bring in outside help.

But first things first. Try to arrange for a geriatric evaluation of your mom that considers all aspects of her health, not just her back.

Good luck!
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