This is Frantic Girl: My Mom lives in heaven now which she so richly deserved. I know it is best in every way but I HAVE lost my best friend. She truly was my ideal until the end.
Mother was very physically heathy up until March of this year, though she was beginning to require much more care concerning every aspect of daily living. I was stressed to the max between caring for her, my tiny grandson and my husband who had had double knee replacements. Went one evening as per usual to take care of my mom and knew instantly something was very wrong. We took her to the hospital where she was admitted. She was admitted on Tuesday and went to heaven on Friday evening. We thought she was getting better but in retrospect I think it was a gift from God to us, a magical last four days with Mom. She never realized she couldn't even walk now, much less ever go back home. Her room was so filled with the light of love between her and her children and grandchildren that all the nurses and even the doctors just wanted to hang in her room because they said you could actually feel and see the love. I had left the hospital briefly on Friday evening so my brother was with her when she took a deep breath and then she was in her new Home. I think God knew my heart would shatter so He shielded me from that.
I made her celebration of life as perfect as I could because that really mattered to her. I had many people tell me it was the most beautiful and moving service they had ever seen. I sang my Mother into heaven with gospel songs because she always loved to hear me sing.
However, my heart was so broken because I wondered if it was because I was busier than usual taking take of my husband after his surgeries and had not been able to spend as much time as usual with her Did she get too lonely? Did she hurt and couldn't verbalize it? Was she too sad to live? How could i, who loved her so much and was her caregiver, let her die?
Here's where my story becomes such a message of hope. About two weeks after she passed I had a dream that I went up to heaven and I was outside looking in, trying to find my Mom. Somehow, she knew her baby needed her so she stepped out from a tall, tall beautiful window. She took my hands in hers and she told me she was SO very happy here and that I had loved her and taken care of her so well and made her so happy. She then explained that she needed to be here now and she was with Daddy and all the others that she had longed for. She said not to worry because this was how it was supposed to be. She did not linger with me but I had felt her touch and seen her face one more time and her love gives me strength to face each day with grace.
So, though I will miss her every day for the rest of my life, I know where she is and she will hold me again. I want so much to help any of you who are hurting and feeling that your life is over. As it got harder and harder to care for Mother, I simply prayed for grace and strength for just each day. I prayed to let go of perfection and to always be kind to her and for her to never doubt how I loved her. I realize that many of you care for people who are very mean and difficult, due to their cruel illness which steals the beauty of their former personalities. But please search for any beauty or joy that you can find in your situation. Please see the glass half-full instead of half-empty. It is what it is, but there can be joy to be found, depending on how positively we approach life. I never mean to be uncaring or unrealistic and know that I will lift you up in prayer because I, too, have walked your path.